Relationships and the friends who hate them

[The Godfather]

A woman that I am entering a relationship with is still close friends with an ex of hers. Possibly best friends. No big deal, right? Well... not exactly.

The guy used to be a friend of mine too. He stopped being my friend in order to pursue a relationship with her. Long story short, the relationship was terrible and he ended up being abusive.

Anyway, now he hates me. HATES. I'm talking, worst enemy. I know for a fact that he goes out of his way on a regular basis, in order to try and convince her that I am evil. It has even caused me and her some problems already. He obviously knows that me and her and dating now, and it has only made things much much worse.

I'm not sure what to do... I don't see it as my place to tell her she can't be his friend, but I'm not sure how well the two of us will work out, if he is character assassinating me all the time.

Not sure. Advice?

[vashti]

Why did he have to stop being your friend in order to pursue her? Was she your girlfriend first?

If this was his girlfriend first, I can see why he hates you. I think you may have violated some sort of guy code.

[The Godfather]

Why did he have to stop being your friend in order to pursue her? Was she your girlfriend first?

If this was his girlfriend first, I can see why he hates you. I think you may have violated some sort of guy code.

I was with this women for a few years, and decided to separate in order to get our lives on track. We both needed space, and it was very mutual... that's when he stopped being my friend. Get it?

[Mish]

Tell her to cut contact with him. You can use the same words you used here, tell her you don't like his influence on your relationship and how he talks about you behind your back. You don't need to hide this if it worries you.

[vashti]

... yeah, and cross your fingers that she is mousy and will actually follow your commands. Personally, I wouldn't cut him off if someone demanded it of me. I would have to cut him off of my own volition. Make her your ally, and she will cut him off on her own.

[Mish]

Make her your ally, and she will cut him off on her own.

What if she doesn't want to? Wouldn't he still have to cross his fingers that she won't be influenced enough by the ex and for relationship problems they had before not to come back?

[vashti]

If I was crazy about my new guy, I wouldn't risk making him feel insecure by allowing the old guy to hang around.

If she cares more about keeping him around than she does about keep her new BF happy, then she isn't all that crazy about her BF, IMO.

[Mish]

If I was crazy about my new guy, I wouldn't risk making him feel insecure by allowing the old guy to hang around.

If she cares more about keeping him around than she does about keep her new BF happy, then she isn't all that crazy about her BF, IMO.

Exactly. That's what's happening at the moment. Since she doesn't want to cut contact with her ex, which means she is not all that crazy about her bf the only option left is to bring the issue to light. Tell her contact is an issue. If she keeps it up then break up.

[Lite]

Sounds rather socially incestuous to me but, that can happen.

She still has feelings for him, or she'd be telling him to step the **** off and stop interfering with your relationship.

[Aeradalia]

This is one of those 'tell it like it is' moments that you and your gf need to have.

Any friend you two have needs to be beneficial to the relationship somehow... either by it not affecting the relationship at all or contributing something good to it. This guy is interfering with the relationship --- greatly. Hell, the guy might as well be in bed with the two of you... because that's how bad this situation really is.

Tell her this guy is a bad influence on the relationship... that she needs to choose to either exclude this guy from both of your lives for the sake of the relationship... or she can throw away the relationship for the 'attention' she receives from someone who will only abuse her again.

The choice is hers... either she helps the relationship or she helps destroy it. You're not obligated to waste your time if she chooses the latter or she chooses to not make a choice at all.

[Rollerderby]

I think I remember you mentioning this in a different posting. You used to date and then they dated, and now you are back together correct? Except he also abused her. Verbally or physically? Was that the reason they split?

If he was that bad to her, I'm sorry to hear she still keeps in touch (or maybe he is chasing her, and she is trying to put distance?). Is she telling you what he says? Obviously he is manipulative. Get some serious distance.

This is definitely a case where you need to get the negative energy out of the your life. Both of you. Is she someone that is worth putting up with his shit for?

[alovehangoverr]

He was abusive and she's.. still.. best friends with him?

Sounds like really bad news to me.

Essentially, she's letting him still abuse her by bringing issues into her current relationship.

Doesn't sound like a great situation to be in.

You can't demand her not to be friends with him-- that never turns out well, but you should try having a serious talk with her about it and tell her that if these issues and problems continue to happen with him as the source you'll be unable to continue this relationship.

If I were you though, I'd skip the talk and completely end it. There's a whoooole lot of issues in that situation and none of them involve you.

[doppelgaenger]

Sounds like a crock of shit to me. A big-ass pot filled with drama and stuff. Do you really need to boil yourself in that mess? I don't think so.

Don't pursue this girl. She sounds like a bowl full of crap.

[The Godfather]

Sometimes the truth is tough to hear... thanks everyone

[lesa]

Sounds rather socially incestuous to me but, that can happen.

Darn it, you beat me to it.

OP, why are you guys dating each other's "relatives"?