How to get over this guy? Am I interpreting his behavior correctly?

[Wings1104]

I'm 27y/o, in grad school, and recently became attracted to a guy several weeks ago who is also in the same school. We've known each other since January since we're in an extracurricular activity together, but since I started spending more time with him socially in March, I realized how fun he is and how much I like him. While most of the other guys I know are a bit more inhibited, this guy is so exciting and brings out a different side of me. I am also really physically attracted to him. When we see each other, especially in a bar or club, we flirt a lot (and just with each other, not necessarily with other people). Even my friend keeps asking me if we like each other. We've had dinner together, and he's asked me to come along when he goes out with his friends. We've talked on the phone, too, and had some good conversations.

One barrier I have to admit, though, is it sometimes can be awkward between us if it's just the two of us alone and not flirting in a bar (I guess the atmosphere of a bar at least helps me feel less inhibited?). I think I'm sometimes a bit nervous around him, and I wonder if he is around me, too. But still, I am hopeful that if we spend more time together, we can get over that stage and open up to each other more.

Anyway, my problem is, despite all of the above, we are still not a "couple." He keeps talking about doing dinner and wanting to hang out more with me, but even though he gives me a lot of attention when we happen to see each other, he doesn't initiate going out with me all that much. Perhaps he's just busy with school work, he'd rather hang out with his other friends, he's just not that into me, or all of the above. I'm guessing that he feels attracted to me (he calls me "sexy and fun"), enjoys flirting with me, and likes the attention that I give him but doesn't want any type of relationship and doesn't want to pursue this further. Also, I will be graduating soon and moving away while he is staying behind to finish up schoolwork since he's in a different year, so perhaps it's possible that he doesn't want to get to know me better b/c he already knows that a relationship isn't possible (although I would think that if a guy likes a girl, he'll do almost anything to be with her regardless of the circumstances).

Bottom line is I am still really attracted to this guy and still hopeful that he likes me, and I find myself even planning my social life around him, trying to find any opportunity to spend with him. I feel like I just need to get over him, but how? And my other question is, do you all think that I am right in interpreting his behavior? Is he flirting b/c he may be attracted to me but doesn't want anything more b/c a) I'm moving away, and b) he doesn't like me enough to take our relationship more seriously?

[Rollerderby]

You already know the answer to your dilemma. He likes the attention, probably likes you to a certain degree, but doesn't really care about making time in his normal schedule to hang out with you.

The fact that outside a bar atmosphere you guys don't seem to vibe is more important than your giving it credit. He probably feels that too. It's always weird when you meet someone that you "think" you like, but then find yourself having all these weird little awkward pauses unsure of what to say next. Definitely hard to even move to a phone call level.

It's hard. I had one like this that I was totally infatuated with back in college. The experience taught me a lot but it was really really painful. I've seen the guy since sometimes and while we can talk/drink/smoke/make-out it never moved to where I wanted it to go. It's hard to know that you get along with someone and that you respect each other on some level and are attracted but that that ONE THING THAT ONE SPARK is completely lacking.

Stop re-arranging your life for him right now. Immediately. If he wants you, he will come to you. I will give my number to guys if I am interested if they don't ask for them, but I won't make the first move. Does he have your digits but fail to call/text? He is not putting anywhere near the amount of energy into seeing you as you are into seeing him. And really, don't you want someone who will?

[Wings1104]

Hi Rollerderby, thank you so much for your reply. Actually, if I count how many times he and I have initiated hanging out with each other, I realize that it's pretty evenly cut. What gets me is that he keeps talking about future dinners/breakfasts/etc. together but he doesn't initiate them. I purposely step back to see if he will initiate.

Also, another weird thing is I called him once to ask him to dinner, and we talked for 45 minutes. It was a really good phone conversation, too! And before I started liking him, I felt like our conversations were a lot smoother. So I get the feeling that I at least (maybe him, too) don't act "normally" around him now that I have actually developed feelings for him... which still leaves the possibility that things could work out if we spend enough time together to feel more comfortable. Unfortunately, it's that hope that I'm hanging on to, but as hard as it'll be, I'll try to forget about him....

[Rollerderby]

Yeah. Well, those are some new details that paint a slightly clearer picture. Maybe he's just a slacker. Point is, you don't really want to be gun-ho about someone who seems wishy washy with you.

[Mish]

I feel like I just need to get over him, but how? And my other question is, do you all think that I am right in interpreting his behavior? Is he flirting b/c he may be attracted to me but doesn't want anything more b/c a) I'm moving away, and b) he doesn't like me enough to take our relationship more seriously?

It's impossible to know for sure based on the short description given here. The best and easiest way to find out is to talk to him and ask the question directly. Though, I'm not quite sure what your expectations are if you already know you are going away. If you know that no relationship would have a chance of lasting, then it might be best to simply distance yourself from him regardless of the answer.