Need a females perspective on this...

[averageguy]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 6 months, we dated whilst she was with me in nyc in the first month and then she had to go back to chicago... since then we have kept in contact via the internet and she has been looking to move to nyc to be near me... However she has not told many people of our relationship and portrays that she is single... she has already stated that she did not want anyone to know of us until she is ready, ready meaning once she is with me, and a decent amount of time has passed, as an internet relationship is not something we're keen on... however, the issue i am having is she recently stated that when she is here with me, on occasions friends of hers in nyc, will come and stay over at hers and they will share her bed to sleep in... these friends will be either girl or guy... and these friends will be under the assumption that she is single... should i be red flagging this?

[averageguy]

I do trust her immensely, have no reason not to, we talk to each other all the time everyday through the night and keep in touch during the day too... And I love her to bitssssssss... But should I be feeling uncomfortable with the fact that guys or girls would share the same bed as her? Or should I be ok with it?

[elektra]

I'm reading this and shaking my head....a lot of times when we are in a relationship, we talk ourselves into things that we need to be believe rather than the reality right in front of our faces.

I think most people would agree that when we are in a relationship, especially starting a new one, we are excited about it and want to tell our friends all about our new love. The only reason I can think of for wanting to keep it a secret would be if it were something taboo...keeping it going over the internet is hardly taboo. And even if she were an extremely private person, presenting herself as being single when she clearly is not, is inappropriate.

As far as men sleeping in her bed with her...c'mon now...really. Would you have a female friend sleep in your bed with you? I'm hoping the answer is "no". And if it is, why wouldn't you? Those are the reasons she shouldn't.

This girl is definatly not committed to you and this relationship.

[averageguy]

I'm reading this and shaking my head....a lot of times when we are in a relationship, we talk ourselves into things that we need to be believe rather than the reality right in front of our faces.

I think most people would agree that when we are in a relationship, especially starting a new one, we are excited about it and want to tell our friends all about our new love. The only reason I can think of for wanting to keep it a secret would be if it were something taboo...keeping it going over the internet is hardly taboo. And even if she were an extremely private person, presenting herself as being single when she clearly is not, is inappropriate.

As far as men sleeping in her bed with her...c'mon now...really. Would you have a female friend sleep in your bed with you? I'm hoping the answer is "no". And if it is, why wouldn't you? Those are the reasons she shouldn't.

This girl is definatly not committed to you and this relationship.

I posed a similar question to her... If I had a friend stay over who was female, and she slept in the same bad as me, how would you feel? The reply was simply totally fine as long as the relationship is plutonic, why not? I have stated my discomfort with this and simply put, she says I have a problem trusting her... I have thought about it, and really am just considering ending it as it is just too much, as a friend calls it, 'head****.'

[bluesummer]

Either she's a lot more open minded than you, or she's bullshitting on some level.

Really, there's not too many girls out there that would say they're "okay" with the guy they're in a relationship with sharing a bed with a female friend. I don't get that. I think she's just saying that to you to make you feel like you're the one with the issue, so that you'll drop the whole thing.

[IndiReloaded]

I posed a similar question to her... If I had a friend stay over who was female, and she slept in the same bad as me, how would you feel? The reply was simply totally fine as long as the relationship is plutonic.'

Ask her how she would feel if you slept together in the same bed, naked. But the relationship is still, absolutely platonic.

Sleeping in the same bed, except for some emergency (like one of the people is hypothermic and going to die w/o body heat), is generally a boundary that isn't crossed. But you have to know your own boundaries, they aren't always the same for everyone.

[elektra]

Loving relationships are about compromise, give and take and most importantly, having respect for your partner's feelings.

You are not being unreasonable by telling her you do not want and are extremely uncomfortable with, male friends sleeping with her. It does not matter that she is telling you that she wouldn't care if you were to do it...and I think she can say that because she thinks you never would.

The main issue here is that she knows this hurts you and she still chooses to do it. Think about it...when you truly love and care for someone, whether it be a parent or child or friend, the last thing you want to do is deliberately hurt them by doing something that can easily be changed.