Having trouble accepting fiancée’s male friends

[IndiReloaded]

Don't get me wrong. All I'm agreeing to is her going out in a public place to talk with men. Anything romantic or sexual is still a no-no.

Being sure that is all that is happening is the problem. But, at least she is being up front about it. She could just as easily sneak around with someone she meets at work.

Read this, and then tell us what you think:

[url]http://ca.askmen.com/dating/doclove_300/325_relationship_expert.html[/url]

[Junket]

She's insecure, and it won't be long before she comes across a new male acquaintance that takes advantage of her insecurities.

If she's willing to work on this character flaw, I say good for both of you. However, I'm curious as to whether she's really interested in marrying you because she loves and respects you, or if she's interested in marrying you because you've been such a forgiving, "nice" guy who coddles her no matter what she does.

Does she have daddy issues?

[IndiReloaded]

She's insecure, and it won't be long before she comes across a new male acquaintance that takes advantage of her insecurities.

THIS is a fantastic point & I hope you read it! Nice one, Fras, you smartie!

[HopelesslyInLuv]

IndiReloaded,

Excellent article. Thanks.

The funny thing is that she is beginning to agree with my view on men’s intentions more and more. As it says in the article: “There are very few guys who’ll be loyal when it comes to your squeeze -- very, very few.”.

She was an ugly duckling growing up and definitely became a swan. I sent my sisters a picture of her and one of them showed it to her friends and said “Look what my brother is going out with!” (I’m sure expressed with a great deal of shock). She’s absolutely beautiful and more beautiful now then when I met her. She has to deal with more and more attention all the time, even when she isn’t going out looking for it.

I think the most worrisome part in all of this is that she is putting herself in a situation where she might actually find someone she is romantically or sexually interested in, even if she isn’t looking for that. Normally when in a committed relationship one would try to avoid situations such as these rather than look for them. I think she needs to be able to recognize when she is starting to feel a romantic or sexual interest and have the good sense to cut it off before it goes too far. Actually, I think this should be a boundary for her. I don't think she will disagree with that one. But, the problem is that these things can come on fairly quickly and I’m not certain that she will see it before it is too late. I guess time will tell.

Frasbee,

I wouldn't say I have coddled her no matter what she does. She did make some pretty bad mistakes that put her in a potentially dangerous situation recently. I made sure to point it out. She acknowledge that I was right and said she wouldn't do it again. But, I have given in more than I should. I know that.

I don't think she has daddy issues. Growing up she was daddy's girl. But, I can't say that I really know what to look for. Her Dad and I have absolutely nothing in common. Her father is a strict disciplinarian. I don't think anyone can suggest that I am. ;-) I would prefer if she rebelled against her parents with me, rather than rebel against me. So, I have to keep the boundaries to a minimum.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

She's insecure, and it won't be long before she comes across a new male acquaintance that takes advantage of her insecurities.

Yes, this is a good point. A point that I am more than aware of, and terrified of.

I don't think she has any idea how manipulative people can be.

[IndiReloaded]

I thought that article might clear some things up for you. He's a good writer.

So, there is some truth that 'attraction isn't a choice'. Meaning that, the more she is 'out there', the more likely she is to find someone she likes more than you. Its just a matter of time, really.

People in committed relationships actually make an effort to avoid putting themselves in situations where they might be tested in this way. Because, while we are always able to rise above our emotions (which are, really strong hormone responses), sometimes its damned difficult to do. And many can't manage it, hence the cheating and divorce rates we see.

There is one researcher who says, with some biologic backup, that men can train women to bond with them through simple physical contact (touching, hugging, etc). Its all hormone driven.

So, upshot for you is, if you don't somehow convince your lady to put the brakes on this attention-seeking behaviour, you are going to be saying goodbye to your birdie before long. This is my prediction. Good luck.

[youreit]

No girl, esp. engaged, would go out of their way to find some other man to be "friends" with. Age has nothing to do with it. She's just immature period, especially saying you have no choice in the matter.

I'm almost 22 and engaged..and I even see this as ridiculous..even for a 22 year old....

[hohol]

youreit i totaly agree with you
being faithfull is an obligation for both men and women .
well i think that being engaged means your are testing your partner and he's also testing you so screwing up here means you're no good for marriage and that's maybe what she's trying to do.Anyway i'm sure this girl will dump you as soon as she find someone who suit her better
you'd better find someone better

[misombra]

i say knock her up. that'll definitely make her unattractive to the internet guys.

[bluesummer]

I would tell her you're interested in expanding your social circle with women, even if you're not. Sign up on some friend finding site and meet a couple girls for coffee, and be perfectly up front about it.

Then sit back and guage her reaction.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Yeah, I have thought of that too. When I am away I am pretty bored most of the time, and she knows that. I wouldn't mind having some company.

But, I'm concerned about "2 can play that game". I would hate to do it just to demonstrate that your future spouse going out on dates is upseting. But, as I said, I do get bored. So, it might happen, just to save my sanity.

[misombra]

if you don't listen to us and dump this girl, you're gonna be fuked.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVVxGY_7I5k&feature=related"]YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.[/ame]

[HopelesslyInLuv]

In my head, I know you are right. But, I feel that I have to give her the opportunity to mature a little, and see the light. She's worth the risk.

The latest: She wonders if I have some sort of "complex" because I don't think she should be forming new relationships with guys and going out alone with them.

I think she has absolutely no idea that my views are "the norm" from both a man's perspective and woman's perspective. She just has no idea of how quickly an acquaintance can turn into something romantic/sexual.

Before we move forward I am going to insist on a few things from her:

1) If I am out of the country when she meets these men, the three of us have to get together as soon as it is possible after I return. If I'm in the country then I must be allowed to go along.
2) If she begins to feel anything for these guys, either sexually or romantically she has to stop seeing them immediately
3) She has to tell me the details that might upset me (for example she didn't tell me that one guy tried to hug her good-bye)
4) That she understands and accepts that what I am agreeing to (her forming new relationships with men-going out alone) is quite irregular and that she understands why establishing relationships with new men is so much more dangerous to us than the existing relationships she has with her old male friends

[HopelesslyInLuv]

One out of four. That's what she gave me. She said I can go out with her and her male friends.

She believes that it is normal and expected that men will be ok with their fiancee going out individually with new men. She does admit that perhaps the fact that she is going out with men she meets on the Internet may be a bit unusual. But, certainly any man she meets any other way is perfectly OK for her to go out with alone. No one could doubt that being OK.

She refuses to tell me details of these "outings" that might upset me. For example, she shook the hand of the last fellow and he said "is that all I get?". She won't volunteer information such as that. I must ask the correct questions and if I do, she will answer it truthfully.

And finally, she will go out on individual "outings" with men who she is sexually and/or romantically attracted to even while engaged to me and supposedly "exclusive" to each other. She says "If you are trying to stop me, I am afraid I will become curious and desiring those things in an ill manner. I count on my mind, moral carriers, experience and intuition and other things to be circut brakers. Bad things can happen in unexpected ways, and you can't guess them all."

I don't think there is any need for anyone to respond. I think it was all said in previous posts.

I am just here to share what I thought was impossible: that she thinks it is perfectly ok to go out on "outings" with men she is sexually and/or romantically attracted to while engaged to me and supposedly in an exclusive relationship.

[Gigabitch]

Wow.

So many sweet, decent girls with total bozos and now this. This is just salt in the wound.

Would you PLEASE ditch this unbelievable hussie and find a good girl that deserves your love? This one is just... awful.