Got a little bit of a problem with an over-protective girlfriend.

[whitevanman88]

Hi - sorry this has to be my first post. I'll try to keep it brief.

I am 20 and my girlfriend is 18, soon to be 19. We have been going out since September of 2008. We've had to go through quite a lot, as her family didn't take kindly to me at all (for reasons still unbeknown to myself or my GF). She went out with a few older men who had their own houses etc... and obviously I do not. I think this is possibly why they have taken a dislike...although I can't be sure.

Her parents have now moved abroad, and despite most of her family in the UK still hating me, we're doing pretty well. When we're together and things are working it's great. We both really do love each other, it's obvious from how we both act around each other. Also a lot of her friends have commented on how well we go together.

I think the issues in this are bedded in the way she has been treated while growing up. Her Mum walked out on her when she was 8, and left her Dad to bring her up. Her Dad met another woman and moved to 60miles away, so obviously that was a change of friends / school for my GF. When she was 15 she had a major (violent) falling out with her Dad's partner (now wife) and moved back with her Mum & Stepfather. There have been a few occasions when I have been fairly appalled at how they have spoken to her and treated her. When they then "banned" her from seeing me (about Christmas time) it all came to blows with them and I told them what I thought of the way they treat her...obviously this made things worse.

Her Mum & Stepfather have now left to live abroad leaving her with no money (she was made redundant some months back), in full time education and unable to get a job (believe me we've tried! Over 30 applications to date). As she is in full time education she is unable to claim for any benefits either.

Since they have gone, she has become very clingy (this is the real issue here) towards me. This leads to various arguments between us, as I need to work, yet she wants me at home 24/7. I am self-employed so my income is directly related to how much I work. Today it came to the point where she locked me inside the house. I now have 3 not-so-pleased clients and a lot of explaining to do. I think her Mum walking out on her for the second time is the culprit for this behavior, and admits to being frightened that I will leave and not come back. Realistically that won't happen. I couldn't leave her in the lurch emotionally and financially.

She acknowledges this is a problem, but won't even try to do anything about it! It's just part of who she is, apparently.

I could really do with some advice here, and would really appreciate it.

Sorry for the long-winded post!

Cheers.

[vashti]

I think you should consider the possibility that her mother walking away from her may have been somewhat justified. Her locking you in the house is extremely disturbed behavior, and quite honestly, she sounds mentally ill. Perhaps some of this behavior has worn away at the relationships she has with her family.

I think she needs counseling, and I would make it clear that it wasn't optional if she intended to be my partner.

[whitevanman88]

I think you should consider the possibility that her mother walking away from her may have been somewhat justified. Her locking you in the house is extremely disturbed behavior, and quite honestly, she sounds mentally ill. Perhaps some of this behavior has worn away at the relationships she has with her family.

I think she needs counseling, and I would make it clear that it wasn't optional if she intended to be my partner.

I can tell you now, what her family has done is in no way justifiable.

She isn't mentally ill. I can understand that if my mother had just walked out of my life for the second time (with less than a weeks notice) I would not be in a good state. I think what she's trying to avoid is losing me too, which if she keeps this up, she is going to.

I think to suggest counseling is an over-reaction. There must be a better way to help her through this?

[vashti]

Hello? She LOCKED YOU IN THE HOUSE, potentially costing you 3 clients because she doesn't want to be home alone. Do you really think that falls within the range of normal human behavior?

I'm not saying her parent's behavior was appropriate, but I am saying that perhaps they were feeling a bit desperate to get away.

She isn't over-protective. She is pathologically insecure, for whatever reason. You can't fix this. She needs help.

[Trimac20]

Damn, I want a crazy gf that locks me inside the house! Or rather, handcuffs me to the bed and ravages me!

[Illusional]

i'd be damned if i "ever" let a women get the control over me. you'd better show her wassup or break it off wimp.

raverboy

[youreit]

You need to sit down and tell her the truth. You said she acknowledges the issue and doesn't want to do anything about it. Well..give her notice. Tell her you love her, don't want to leave her, like spending time with her, but work is work and you have to do it. Leaving the house doesn't mean leaving her. Then tell her if she doesn't stop, then that would be the only thing to break you two up. There's no rational reason for her to lock you in the house regardless of how much she misses/loves/needs you. It's just not..normal?

If she doesn't quit, nicely tell her to get some help. Not because of the locking you in thing (necessarily) but because she clearly needs to talk to someone about her family issues. Locking them in like that obviously makes her a little crazy.

[lovemuffin]

I can tell you now, what her family II think to suggest counseling is an over-reaction. There must be a better way to help her through this?

I think just about everyone can benefit from counseling at some point in their lives. I can't believe there is still a stigma with it.

[doppelgaenger]

I think you need to talk to her about this. You need to explain to her dick-and-jane style that you *must* work in order to support the two of you. Explain it calmly and sincerely, because she sounds bat-shit crazy, and you want to come off as her caring, loving boyfriend that would never hurt her.

The arguing and stuff probably isn't helping, either. You should talk to her about that too... tell her that it is hard on both of you and you want to work with her and approach issues in a more civilized manner.

Her locking you in the house is just absurd, and completely unacceptable. There is no excuse for such things. You need to talk to her about that as well.

If she can't get those things through her thick skull, then perhaps you should consider seeking counseling.

For your clients, it's going to be extremely difficult to explain the situation without getting personal. Perhaps the best thing to say would be that your SO's parents deserted her and she is having a hard time and lately you have been getting in a lot of fights, and it's starting to get in the way of your career... followed by an apology, and an oath that it won't happen again.

[vashti]

I don't think you should open your private life up to your clients. It would be very unprofessional to do so. Just tell them an urgent family matter came up, and apologize.

[supernova415]

hey mate, i understand you like her and everything, but she locked you in the house. I would be scared to sleep next to her. As for the problem, thats all her not you, you can reassure her over and over that you won't leave her and talk her to sleep saying her mothing stinks and what not. But when she locks you in, she has become obsessed, stay at a motel or something for a week or 2 and do all your talking on the phone see how she reacts. Again thats very creepy.