Having trouble accepting fiancée’s male friends

[HopelesslyInLuv]

I am having problems accepting my fiancée’s relationship with her male friends. Obviously I am not unique in this. It seems to be a very common problem for men.

She has many male friends. I have met all of her old male friends and we have spent time with them as a couple. There is a group of six or eight guys and three girls that have been hanging out together for the past few years.

The group gets together for all sorts of events. Sometimes it is for a weekend away (without me sometimes). Sometimes it’s a party (often without me). When it is a party they end up all sleeping over-sharing beds as required. Mixing of sexes in bed is common. I can’t say they entirely innocent parties, but I am absolutely certain nothing happens when they are together as a group.

I have had some concerns about when she goes out with them individually. But, generally I can deal with it. I feel some jealousy, but manage just fine. We don't argue about it, and I recover quickly.

The main problem I am having is the new men she is meeting. She is going out with men she meets on the Internet via chat and forums. Up until now she has always went out with them as part of a group. It was an agreement we had. I felt that meeting random guys she met on the Internet alone was risky from a safety perspective. It also helped calm my jealousy.

Three days ago she told me that she no longer wanted to stick to our agreement and there was a man that she wanted to go out with individually. She had met him once before and found him interesting.

I must mention that she will not go out a second time with a man she finds physically unattractive. That seems to be more important than all other things.

I have had an incredibly hard time accepting her individual outing with this fellow she met on the Internet. She was out with him for five hours, and though I am virtually certain nothing happened, at the time I felt overwhelmed with fear for her safety and jealousy.

I feel like I have reason to be at least somewhat jealous. I think that it is a normal and expected emotion. It is a matter of controlling the emotion and limiting its effect on our relationship. But, I wasn’t entirely successful with this one-on-one Internet outing.

I honestly can’t understand her need to go from one male Internet acquaintance to another. She isn’t nearly as interested in meeting women. She says that the reason for this is that women don’t approach her. But, there is at least one woman she has met via the Internet that she talks to often yet hasn’t bothered to get together with.

So, my questions are: From a women’s perspective is her relationship with these men acceptable? Am I being unreasonable in feeling that she shouldn’t be going out alone with men she meets on the Internet?

[MavViper]

hate to break it to you, but that doesn't sound like a exlcusive relationship. She is dating people and you're accepting it.

If she had these friends before, that's fine. But she is going online and meeting and dating men. What exactly is your reason for accepting this? I dont see why you would accept this, so please enlighten the rest of us. Because from what you have posted, sounds like she is already out of the relationship emotionally. Afterall, she is going out on dates with men.

I am kind of in shock you would allow this, afterall she IS your fiancee. So obviously you two plan on getting married, why would she need to go out on dates with men from the Internet? She's playing you for a fool.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

I accept this behaviour because she will not allow me to say no. It seems pretty clear to me that if I interfere in her desires she will immediately break up with me. After all, she doesn’t need to be with a man who restricts her ability to make and have male friends.

Here is her explanation as to why she wants this:

“Because I need a balance between not exposing our relationship to danger and meeting and communicating with new people. I'd like to enlarge my circle of encounters. I've been very careful not to expose us to harm. I've been cold and distrustful.”

It is very clear to me now, as of this last “outing” that these are not “outings” at all, but dates.

I should mention that I am away a fair amount. Over the past six months I have been away about 1/3 of the time. Generally she restricts these dates to when I am not there. Though, she does communicate with these men while I am there.

I don’t agree that she out of the relationship emotionally. I don’t get that impression at all when I am with her. Actually, I feel the opposite.

[MavViper]

I accept this behaviour because she will not allow me to say no. It seems pretty clear to me that if I interfere in her desires she will immediately break up with me. After all, she doesn’t need to be with a man who restricts her ability to make and have male friends.

To me, that is a huge red flag that she is controlling you and manipulating you into getting what she wants. That and she doesnt care for your feelings or opinions. She's your fiancee, I would expect she would care about you and your feelings but it doesn't seem like that is she is refusing to compromise or not allow you to say no.

“Because I need a balance between not exposing our relationship to danger and meeting and communicating with new people. I'd like to enlarge my circle of encounters. I've been very careful not to expose us to harm. I've been cold and distrustful.”

I dont know about her or you, but generally speaking if someone is cold and distrustful to me, they aren't going to be my friend. And it's not new people, she is specifically looking for men. Does she not already have friends that she can hang out with?

You know, it almost sounds like she is using the fact you aren't there a significant amount of time as an excuse to date other people.

[Junket]

I suggest you start exclusively meeting female strangers, and hang out with them a bit, stick to the more attractive ones too.

[alovehangoverr]

I accept this behaviour because she will not allow me to say no. It seems pretty clear to me that if I interfere in her desires she will immediately break up with me. After all, she doesn’t need to be with a man who restricts her ability to make and have male friends.

Here is her explanation as to why she wants this:

“Because I need a balance between not exposing our relationship to danger and meeting and communicating with new people. I'd like to enlarge my circle of encounters. I've been very careful not to expose us to harm. I've been cold and distrustful.”

It is very clear to me now, as of this last “outing” that these are not “outings” at all, but dates.

I should mention that I am away a fair amount. Over the past six months I have been away about 1/3 of the time. Generally she restricts these dates to when I am not there. Though, she does communicate with these men while I am there.

I don’t agree that she out of the relationship emotionally. I don’t get that impression at all when I am with her. Actually, I feel the opposite.

Yeah, these are definitely dates. Individual meetings with men she has only communicated with online and have approached her with every intention of doing something that has NOTHING to do with "being her friend."

As for you not saying anything for fear she'd leave you-- really? So, when she starts have sleepovers with these new guys under the guise of "just friends," you're not going to say anything? Do you really think these "friendships," won't escalate? Do you really want to continue a relationship where you can't be honest for fear that she'll break things off?

This whole situation is ridiculous. You can claim she's not stepping out on you emotionally or even physically-- but what exactly do you think she's getting from these guys? It's clearly not a "meeting new people to make friends," situation. She has friends. The fact that all of these "new friends," are male is a huuuuge red flag. You don't think that in the LEAST she's not having an emotional affair with them? What do you think they talk about? The weather? C'mon.

[Junket]

Well, clearly this guy is a walking mat.

She's looking for a man with balls, and he can't even put his foot down.

[bluesummer]

My god. She's meeting men to 'hang out with' on the internet....and you think she's looking for just friends? If she was really looking for JUST a friend, then their level of attractiveness should not be a factor in who she chooses to spend time with. She's looking for hot boys to give her attention, and you're letting her. There's a huge difference between expanding your social circle and what she's doing. Ever ask her why she isn't out meeting women the same way?

I'm sorry, if my fiance was doing this, I would consider the relationship over. She's openly disrespecting you.

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Thanks everyone. Those are just the sort of responses that I need. You've given me a few things to think about and a comment or two to shake me up.

I posted here to confirm my feelings about the situation I am in. Basically: No man should accept this from his fiancee and no woman should expect her fiance to accept this. (assuming they are not in an open relationship)

I have to admit that I left a lot out when I posted this in order to focus on this specific issue. The detailed story is much worse. I am sure she would say I was very kind to omit certain details.

I should say a little more on why I have been accepting of this behaviour from her. She has spent pretty much her entire life being told exactly what she can and cannot do by her parents. Now, that's fairly common for someone 22 years old, but in her case it was to the extreme. When I have suggested boundaries she has said that she doesn't need me setting restrictions for her like her parents do/did. She is very insistent about this. That is why I hesitate to push her, or say no to her. But, clearly things have gone way too far.

[Junket]

22?

That explains a lot.

[bluesummer]

Oh my gosh, 22. I agree with Fras, that explains a lot.

First of all, she's too young to be engaged. She is young and probably wants to sow her wild oats still. So she's basically gone from her parents home to the confines of a committed relationship, and it doesn't seem like this is working for her. She hasn't had any time to live by her OWN rules. Not saying this is your fault at all, she shouldn't have agreed to get married when she clearly isn't ready for it yet.

I think you need to think twice about the marriage thing, perhaps even the relationship.

[alovehangoverr]

Thanks everyone. Those are just the sort of responses that I need. You've given me a few things to think about and a comment or two to shake me up.

I posted here to confirm my feelings about the situation I am in. Basically: No man should accept this from his fiancee and no woman should expect her fiance to accept this. (assuming they are not in an open relationship)

I have to admit that I left a lot out when I posted this in order to focus on this specific issue. The detailed story is much worse. I am sure she would say I was very kind to omit certain details.

I should say a little more on why I have been accepting of this behaviour from her. She has spent pretty much her entire life being told exactly what she can and cannot do by her parents. Now, that's fairly common for someone 22 years old, but in her case it was to the extreme. When I have suggested boundaries she has said that she doesn't need me setting restrictions for her like her parents do/did. She is very insistent about this. That is why I hesitate to push her, or say no to her. But, clearly things have gone way too far.

I can understand her complex about boundaries.. however, her using that as an excuse to disrespect you is RIDICULOUS.

Not hooking up with other guys she meets off the internet isn't a relationship boundary but rather an expectation of a monogamous relationship. If she can't handle that, she shouldn't be in a relationship.

[SexySam]

I accept this behaviour because she will not allow me to say no. It seems pretty clear to me that if I interfere in her desires she will immediately break up with me. After all, she doesn’t need to be with a man who restricts her ability to make and have male friends.

WOW! i am kind of speechless here. Dude you need to wake up and smell the coffee.. she is playing you and playing you HARD. you are not in a relationship with her. you are just one of her "harem". and if you let her, she will continue to do exactly what she is doing.. Do yourself one huge favor, and walk away from this.. you will wake up one day realizing you have wasted toooo much time in this so called relationship.

[Junket]

WOW! i am kind of speechless here. Dude you need to wake up and smell the coffee.. she is playing you and playing you HARD. you are not in a relationship with her. you are just one of her "harem". and if you let her, she will continue to do exactly what she is doing.. Do yourself one huge favor, and walk away from this.. you will wake up one day realizing you have wasted toooo much time in this so called relationship.

Aren't you the dude that came on here flirting with that other chick?

[HopelesslyInLuv]

Given her age, I have lower expectations for some things than if she were older. Certainly she will make mistakes and learn from her mistakes. We all have to go through that, and I'm still going through it. I realize that I have to give her leeway to, as you say ,"live by her own rules".

We have no plans to marry before she is 25. It will be a long engagement.