what do I do about this situation... advice please

[925esahc]

Me and my girl went out for almost 4 years. She recently broke it off with me (about 6 weeks ago), and I am trying to get her back. The first week of the breakup I was really hounding her.. calls/ emails/ texts. I finally got smart and cut communication. I even changed my cell number. So a couple weeks go by and she emails me with how upset she is I changed my number (so obviously she tried to call). I dont respond. Another couple weeks go bye, so now its been about a month, and I call her. I ask her out for coffee and she agrees. We have both really calmed down at this point. We go out to coffee, and even do lunch. I didnt want to spill my heart to her, but I did. I told her how I had strong feelings for her still, and that we can work on our problems if her heart is still in it with me (trust issues). She says no she doesnt want a relationship.

So I stay strong, and call her a week later again (because she said at the end of this "date" to keep in touch, call whenever I want, we should be friends, etc.). So I call a second time to ask her over for dinner. She says no and starts crying on the phone saying she cant be friends with me at this point. So I leave her alone, and decided to email her this past weekend and ask her out for lunch. She says YES.. and now seems to want to be friends. Now this second date went a lot different. No longer was I all over her, spilling my heart, being a sob. I was strong, and very "friendish". Now this is what is confusing, she kept telling me about all this fun stuff shes been up to, and these dates shes been on, story after story. Then tells me she hasnt been up to much and has just been home a lot. I kept quiet for the most part and just listened, didnt even flinch. Just smiled and said Im happy for you. I didnt respon with "Oh yeah well Ive been doing this...." Which I think is what she wanted.

Then she started questioning me on what I have been up to. Really questioning me, but I didnt tell her. This upset her but I didnt give in. I told her hey we can still be friends without talking about my private life, from my perspective at least. By the end of our lunch date, she was rubbing my back in my car, and giving me a long hug with our heads on each others shoulders. It felt how it used to for a second.

I dont know what to think... do I have a chance still? What do I do now, ask her out again or leave her alone? There has been no contact since this second "date". Should I spill my heart again? I really want her back and am not sure what to do.

[925esahc]

anyone have any thoughts?

[IndiReloaded]

What were her reasons for the break & why do you think those reasons have changed?

If they haven't, I'm not sure you should be considering getting back together. Generally those issues don't just go away, esp with how long you have been seeing each other.

[925esahc]

I Agree.. we arnt going to get back together tomorow or anything, but I want to work on it. There were some lies (by both of us) and some cheating early in the relationship. Most recently I lied to her about where I was at, more of witholding the truth actually, but yes same thing. I am working on this, I want to work on it with her, I know what I have to do personally, I just dont know what my next move should be in terms of our relationship (keeping in mind I want to get back with her)... what do you think?

[Cbrider]

I think you should move on. Its one thing to break up over disagreements or differences of opinion, its a whole different story when the lines of trust have been bent and broken.

Lie to me and you have dug your own grave, you will never get another shot with me. Trust is a HUGE factor in relationships and generally impossible to fix. Leopards never change their spots.

[925esahc]

Its not impossible... so you cant tell someone to move on when theres a chance. If I am willing to change, willing to give my honest word to her that I will work on my problems that lead to this... you cant say move one. Realistically yes I am trying to move on, but I also want to work on us. So lets just say I want to apply myself to this relationship 100%... what should my next move be, if moving on is not an option.

[IndiReloaded]

Realistically yes I am trying to move on, but I also want to work on us. So lets just say I want to apply myself to this relationship 100%... what should my next move be, if moving on is not an option.

I'm going to preempt Mis & tell you to get married and have a pack of kids who can grow up with you two fighting all the time.

Sorry, but the things you describe would be deal breakers for me in my marriage. You aren't even that committed. I think you would be foolish to continue together. You should both move on & lessons learned (hopefully). I suspect your reasons for wanting to stay are more to do with being afraid of not finding someone else than an unshakable faith in the strength of your current relationship.

[alovehangoverr]

Its not impossible... so you cant tell someone to move on when theres a chance. If I am willing to change, willing to give my honest word to her that I will work on my problems that lead to this... you cant say move one. Realistically yes I am trying to move on, but I also want to work on us. So lets just say I want to apply myself to this relationship 100%... what should my next move be, if moving on is not an option.

While it's all great and dandy that YOU are willing to change, YOU are willing to be honest with her, YOU are willing to work on problems-- it says nothing about how she feels.

It's really up to her. If she can't get over your lies and previous behavior, you need to move on. Seriously, speaking as someone who has been cheated on and lied to-- it's near impossible to rebuild trust and move on from something like that. Once trust is gone it's incredibly difficult to get back.

Have you told her how you feel/what you're willing to do since that first time? You may want to bring it up again. If her response to your attempts is still "I don't want a relationship," you might want to listen.

[925esahc]

Incredibly difficult yes... but not impossible. I am just stuck in this gray area, between complete closure and the possibility that at some point in the future we could work this out. Like I said, I agree with you its very hard but it can work. Kind of like im hanging by a string and either waiting for her to pull it up or cut it. I hate to use the word waiting. Its unfortunate that it took these extreme circumstances for me to realize where she stands in my life, but now I know, isnt that a good thing in the long run?

And what would you people recommend I actually do.... because whether I agree with what you say or not, im still going to pursue her and try to work our problems out (which im sure yall can understan)... with that being said lets move forward... what steps would you recommend? Call? Email? give it more time before I do any of these (our last get together was this past saturday).

[IndiReloaded]

Of course, your life is yours to live. We have given you our thoughts from our experience. What you choose to do with them, or not, is up to you.

Few people are able to learn from the experience of others. Most people in situations like yours have an irrational belief that your case will somehow be different.

But you ignore the fact that you have behaviour traits that got you into this situation in the first place. If you didn't you wouldn't be here, so logically there is no reason to expect your outcome will be any different from what has been described to you.

In other words, it is a rare person who can pull their own head out of their ass. Good luck on your journey, 9'er.

[925esahc]

My belief cant be to irrational... Of course theres the very clear reality that we may end up like you and the majority of most relationships in my position. (I just say you because it sounds like youve been here before). But remember, and this is something you should apply to all aspects of your life: There is always a brighter side. Maybe its with her and maybe its not. I dont want to wildly speculate on a fantasy relationship that will never happen, but then again there is hope. If what your saying is that my behavior traits have dictated this breakup, then I am actually in quite a great position to set up something beautiful, and like you said yourself, something most people have never seen. Youll get there someday, but thanks for your input. And im not a 9'er. Im a Raider.

[IndiReloaded]

(I just say you because it sounds like youve been here before).

Actually, I've never been in your particular situation but I have seen plenty who have. I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. First marriages, both of us.

My experience is knowing the conditions for when a relationship *will* work. Yours doesn't fit my criteria. I am just wanting to spare you a lot of wasted effort.

There is always hope. There is always the chance that you don't need to actually work & save for retirement b/c you will win the lottery. Some bets are smarter than others. Up to you, tho, as I said.

[alovehangoverr]

Incredibly difficult yes... but not impossible. I am just stuck in this gray area, between complete closure and the possibility that at some point in the future we could work this out. Like I said, I agree with you its very hard but it can work. Kind of like im hanging by a string and either waiting for her to pull it up or cut it. I hate to use the word waiting. Its unfortunate that it took these extreme circumstances for me to realize where she stands in my life, but now I know, isnt that a good thing in the long run?

And what would you people recommend I actually do.... because whether I agree with what you say or not, im still going to pursue her and try to work our problems out (which im sure yall can understan)... with that being said lets move forward... what steps would you recommend? Call? Email? give it more time before I do any of these (our last get together was this past saturday).

At this point there isn't much you CAN do. If you've expressed how you feel and she's said no.. what exactly are you waiting around for? Her to change her mind suddenly and come back to you?

[IndiReloaded]

He wants to try tho.

Like I said, in that case he should just buy her a ring. Flame ON!

[LoveHurts09]

He wants to try tho.

Like I said, in that case he should just buy her a ring. Flame ON!

agreed, maybe w/o so much sarcasm but only maybe