Newbie here, husband can't decide to stay or go

[missycalrissian]

Hi all. Up late here and looking for ideas on support. My husband is wanting to leave and it's killing me. He left just a couple of days ago and I called him that very night begging him to come back and talk to me. He came home and I begged him to stay. Initially on that day when he left, he said he would just take couple of days to find himself then come back to see if I would still have him. I know that he was talking to another woman at that time and wanted to meet with her to see if there was a connection. The other woman has stopped talking with him as of now. He is back at home, but it feels like he is here only to look after me. I admit that i was extremely pathetic when he came to talk with me the night he left. I cried, begged and pleaded. I convinced him to stay the night with me that night and asked if he would stay with me the next night so that I could sleep. He decided to stay at home with me (after he realized this other woman wasn't talking to him any longer) for some odd reason. I've been pestering him about why he is here with me. He has told me that it's because I need him here. So, he's pretty much here for my safety, in his mind. He tells me he loves me and will always love me. He made love with me today and seemed so far away. I couldn't understand and still don't, why he would want to leave me but doesn't mind making love with me. He has also expressed that he would like to sleep with other women. Says he has urges and fantasies that he needs to explore. A couple of days before he left, he was telling me he loved me and never wanted to live without me. It's been an extreme roller coaster of emotions. I can't eat or sleep and I can't concentrate. I would be surprised if this thread makes any sense.
So, I'm stuck. Scared as hell and don't know what to do. Let him go? Do I really have any choice? Is there something I can do to make him realize this is his home and he should be here with me? Most likely not, right? Within a week he's told me he could never live without me, would never do anything to mess up our marriage, promised forever, talked online with another woman and made plans to meet her, made love with me, left me, came back, lied, says he doesn't know if he wants to leave or stay, says he wants to stay, says he wants other women, says he doesn't, says he wants to be single, says he wants to be married, held me, pushed me away, cried with me, got mad at me for crying and on and on and on. He is sleeping in the same bed with me and holding me at night. Says that I shouldn't be any different. That I can still hug and kiss him and so on. But, at this point he's back to telling me that he doesn't know what he wants. I try to talk with him and work through it, but his answer is always the same..."I don't know". Not only am I hurting terribly, but I'm going mad from the roller coaster of emotions.
If anyone could offer some advice or words of wisdom, I would appreciate it. I think in my heart I know I need to quit acting so pathetic and try to remind him of the reasons he married me. If that doesn't work, then I have to let him go, right? Well, why isn't it that easy then? And how in the world do I cope with a pain of this magnitude? I never learned any sufficient means of coping.
Sorry for the book, feedback is greatly appreciated.

[vashti]

How long have you been married, and do you have children? If so, how old? Does your husband have a history of selfishness?

[LoveHurts09]

too early, he wasnt ready for the commitment but then that's very common... he'll likely leave u if he gets a better offer but as u saw if he doesnt get anywhere then he's happy(?) to stay with u.

ur 2nd best to him right now, if u want to make him love u again ur going to have to go back to basics

[alovehangoverr]

I'm going to suggest a site to you that has really helped me in the past: survivinginfidelity.com

You should read some of the articles there, especially about the 180, and post your story there for people who have been cheated on and who have done the cheating to give you some insight.

My take on this? He's back because he doesn't have anywhere else to go. Do you really think that if he met this women, she continued talking to him, and there was a connection-- that he would be back home with you now?

As for the sex and going back and forth-- that's called fencesitting.. he wants a relationship with you, but he wants to pursue other women as well. He'll just keep going back and forth the longer you let him. By having him sleep in the same bed with you, begging him to stay with you, etc.. you're telling him it's ok to be so back and forth with things.

If you want this to stop, you have to take a stand. He's not sure where he wants to be? Kick him out until he becomes sure. Why should he get to stay with you, share your bed, etc when he's telling you he wants other women?

[Gigabitch]

Oh, my freaking God. Look, I absolutely adore my husband, but if he pulled the shit your husband is pulling, he'd be out on the curb in no time flat. Sure, men have mid-life crises, but that's no reason to mess with you this way. He needs to make up his mind. Either he's with you or he isn't.

[missycalrissian]

I believe that you all are right. I know that I have some self confidence issues and am afraid of being alone. He came to me today and said for certain that he wants to stay with me and that he actually called a councelor about his problem. We seem to think it's something called sexual compulsive behavior. I never would have expected this at all! To answer some of the questions asked...
No, we do not have kids together. I have one from a previous marriage that he absolutely hates. This is another reason we have issues. What's so weird is that we are great together until it comes to the infidelity or my son.
We have married for 7 years and together for 9.
Yes, he has a history of being selfish. What's funny is that he can really come across as selfless sometimes.
I agree with what all of you say, but I'm more afraid of being without him, then I am of being with him and hurting over his actions. I feel like I need some sort of new found strength to fight all of this. I don't understand it, but I have a horrible weakness when it comes to this man. In my previous marriage, there was no way in hell I would let him do any of this to me. I left him for far less than what this man has done. But no matter how much I stick by him and support him, he never appreciates it enough.
Will I ever reach him again?

[vashti]

Oh my god! I don't care at all about the infidelity! How can you stay married to a man that hates your son? Do you have any idea of the kind of emotional problems you are likely allowing this man to create for your baby?

Please, I beg you. Get rid of him.

[missycalrissian]

Well, the baby is actually 15 years old, but you are still correct nonetheless. I recognize that no matter what amount of pain this man causes me, I still hold on to him and love him. I'm certain that I need help, just not sure where to seek it. Therapy has never worked for me and I don't want to be like every other woman in my family that has failed at marriage and lived alone for the rest of their lives.

[Aeradalia]

This....

don't want to be like every other woman in my family that has failed at marriage and lived alone for the rest of their lives.

... leads to this...

no matter what amount of pain this man causes me, I still hold on to him and love him.

Therapy will tell you this in a very long, drawn out way.

I have a 'failed' marriage. It didn't kill me... I found love again... and you know what. I am so ****ing happy to be rid of my self-centered, egotistical, lying ex-husband. I am so happy to have found a guy who treats me right, and makes me feel like a real person. But I wouldn't have met this man if I hadn't taken the risk and went through a divorce.

As for my family... I could care less what they think in regards to my 'failed' marriage. It's my life I'm living... not theirs...

[missycalrissian]

I can't thank you all enough for the advice. I need as much as I can possibly get right now. It truly helps me to come to my own decisions. Currently we are "trying to work things out", but I really don't feel that he is very sorry for the pain he has caused. I don't feel that he's attracted to me anymore either. I went through the trouble of doing up my hair and putting some make up on tonight along with something besides the weekend sweats. It didn't even phase him.
Aeradalia...I love your simple break down of what therapy would teach me. I've been through therapy a couple of times and it didn't teach me a damned thing! Thanks!

[misombra]

omg woman you need a freakin backbone. how do you stay with a man who "hates" your son? you're crazy. i can't even feel bad for you. that shit is truly pathetic.

[missycalrissian]

Misombra...You don't think that I know I need backbone? What in the hell do you think I'm searching for? I know that I have issues and I'm trying to work through them and it's always SO helpful when someone like you comes along to remind me just how pathetic I am. Thank you for your feedback! Really.

[misombra]

no problem. anytime!

[lesa]

The part about the husband hating the son disturbed me too. How could someone stay in a relationship where the guy hates the children or actively pursues other women for sex and/or relationship? I would be permanently pissed off and ruin my marriage over those comments.

[Gigabitch]

missy, you give me the creeps.