When a man asks "what's wrong?"

[Pikabu]

The thing is we've been together 6 years, and in the beginning, before I realized it would be his response every time, I DID try to communicate, I did tell him what was bothering me, I did do it in the "this is what I'm feeling" calm manner, not an accusatory, "here's what's wrong with you" manner. All the things that have been suggested are things I've done in the past, that yielded horrid, drawn-out conversations that left me feeling worse.

He hasn't the ability to simply hear what's causing me pain, and offer an ounce of compassion. It always turns into him either launching into defense mode, even when I made specific attempts to word it in a way that showed, (should've shown), that I didn't blame him for what I felt, OR he basically tells me I'm stupid to feel the way I do. Why the hell a simple, "I can't say I understand why you're upset, but I'm sorry you're feeling crappy right now...how 'bout a backrub" is like asking for the moon.

I sometimes wonder if his first wife must've been more the blame and yell type, and he got used to that and still reacts towards me the way he would with her. I'm SO not her.

[misombra]

have you told him that?

[lesa]

Give us an example of how you used to react. Do you go into a long story of how everything is wrong or not going right? In other words, do you complain to the point that people try to avoid you?

If he asks what is wrong, just say that you are sad and you would appreciate a backrub.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL. Typical.

Hey Picachu, just letting you know that all the folks you agreed with, none of them are married. I've been w/my husband almost 20 years. First marriage, both of us.

Good luck getting that far with your attitude.

[misombra]

what's wrong?

nothing except that i'm going to stab you in the eye with a butter knife while you're asleep.

[Aeradalia]

LOL. Typical.

Hey Picachu, just letting you know that all the folks you agreed with, none of them are married. I've been w/my husband almost 20 years. First marriage, both of us.

Good luck getting that far with your attitude.

I was married before... and I think I did a pretty damn good job all things considered.

Oh and btw... my parents were married for 22 years and then got divorced... so duration alone is not a testament of a successful marriage either. That's folly to think so.

Picachu... it should be your goal to strive to create a comfortable, functional relationship with your husband. One in which you both can agree that you are happy the majority of the time and feel that you have both helped each other develop as people --- benefited from the relationship.

One of the fundamentals of a relationship is good communication --- you not only have to be honest with each other... but you have to be able convey to each other your needs and wants... come to a peaceful compromise -- in which both feel they have benefited (none of this 'I'll just cave because it's easier')... and build from each compromise --- learn how to give and take... how to keep the balance without 'keeping score' or struggling to prove who's 'right' and who's 'wrong.'

As was mentioned before... read the book 'men are from mars, women are from venus' and learn all you can about male behavior (from other sources as well). He is not a woman... and you are becoming angry with him because he cannot pick up on your subtleties --- why? Because he is a man and has his own default way of thinking and problem-solving strategies. Learn the difference between how women think and how men think. Use this knowledge as a way to bridge the gap so that both of you can have your needs and wants fulfilled in your relationship.

Do not let your relationship fail due to something as easily preventable as a breakdown in communication.

[IndiReloaded]

Why do I get the feeling that those of you recommending Mars/Venus have never actually read the book? John Gray, was divorced, FYI. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

Many of the concepts in that book are totally outdated. Mastadon dinner, being just one of several. Thats not to say that all his concepts are wrong, but given the book is coming from an 'expert' one should be able to rely on it a bit better.

If you want a better, more reasonable approach to marriage, I highly recommend Will Harley's stuff. Google for it. Stephen Covey's '7 Habits' series has also helped quite a few people.

[BrokenPieces]

You have to bear in mind that men and women think entirely different, Pikabu. This is just in my experience, mind you...but if one of your girlfriends asked you what was wrong and you said "nothing's wrong", they would persist, knowing that something IS wrong since women tend to think about meanings behind words. If you say nothing is wrong to a man, however, it will usually be dropped soon because they think logically; And, logically, if you say nothing is wrong - they should believe you. They expect you to be open, and if you're not, it's left alone until you are ready to be. This can be interpreted as not caring, but that usually isn't the case.

So, in answer to your question - yes, they do care. If they didn't they would ignore it and not ask. And when you do bring up a problem with him, just make it detailed enough to explain yourself but concise enough so he pays attention. If you go into a long speech not only will it be difficult to keep his attention, but he'll feel as though you're attacking him, which will make him defensive. Don't make a big deal out of things, just state your point instead of playing "guess what's wrong".

[denfor25]

... he asked 2 nights ago, "what's wrong"? I say, "nothing", .... He goes about the next 2 days as if nothing is wrong, ... ignores me completely....
I guess I just don't undertstand why someone that professes to love me so much could not care less that I'm obviously upset about something, and has no desire to find out why...

check out this reference from book "what women want" by Laurence Roy Stains:
"...another key feature of fabled female ego is its desire that men be able to read her mind and read between lines... Listen to this honest self-assestment from Trixie, 28-y.o. single lawyer in Philadelphia:
I can be demanding at times, but also like to feel like i am not demanding. So pampering me without me realising it is always a nice thing. Without me saying, "I want this". You know what I mean. I want a mind reader, basically. That is the best kind of pampering. "

Pikabu, do not you think it is your case exactly? You saying "nothing is wrong" but want him to find out what is wrong anyway? Do YOU want him to be a mind reader?

[Aeradalia]

denfor25 makes a point... you can't expect anyone to be that attentive... even your friends could misinterpret how you feel if you don't come right out and say it.

[Pikabu]

The thing is, and I guess again I wasn't very clear, sorry for that, is that I don't want to discuss what the original cause of hurt was. It's actually quite trivial compared to how his reaction to the hurt is.

I'm not trying to get him to read my mind and guess what it is, nor do I wish he'd ask repeatedly "what's wrong", I just want him to give some sign that he cares that I'm upset, even if I don't want to talk about it.

Like I said before, he hasn't really done anything "wrong", just something that, unintentionally, hurt my feelings. If he HAD done something wrong then I absolutely would discuss it with him. It's like when you're out with your guy and you can't help but notice him noticing attractive women. (and no, that's not it, just an example). That wouldn't be a crime..it's natural...but it still stings a little, KWIM? And I feel too silly about it to want to actually discuss it, but at the same time, when it's obvious that something has me feeling bad, I would hope he would instinctively offer some comfort. I know I would, were the roles reversed.

I guess what I've learned in this thread, (and thank you ALL for taking the time to read my drivel and respond,) is that men...my man...will never just "instinctively offer some comfort". And that's my crap to deal with and accept, and I'm trying.

Fortunately, this type of thing only happens maybe once every 3 or 4 months, and the rest of the time it's all good, so I don't see it as a threat to our marriage so much as the one thing that kinda drives me crazy about him. So I guess I'm lucky in that respect...I don't have daily or even monthly stuff to get ruffled over. He's a pretty terrific guy really. I'll get over it. I feel a lot better today and have opted to let go and move on.

I realize there are many varying perspectives on relationships...how they should work, why they don't, etc.. on a site like this, and that's what's great about it! We all come at life with our personal experiences that shape how we handle things. Thanks for the support

[LoveHurts09]

maybe he needs a reward for being attentive

maybe it's got more to do with his experience of how u react to him offering his help.... saying "nothing is wrong" is bad but then again he should know better and show his interest.
seems to be that there's no reason for him to worry tho, if it's not bothering him then why should he help some1 who won't be helped?

also what do u do if something is bothering him?

[IndiReloaded]

Fortunately, this type of thing only happens maybe once every 3 or 4 months, and the rest of the time it's all good, so I don't see it as a threat to our marriage so much as the one thing that kinda drives me crazy about him. So I guess I'm lucky in that respect...I don't have daily or even monthly stuff to get ruffled over. He's a pretty terrific guy really. I'll get over it. I feel a lot better today and have opted to let go and move on.

Now, this^ attitude WILL keep you married. Good job doll. If you have need, do look into the fellow I mentioned. While communication IS important to a good relationship, it is NOT the reason people *stay* married.

Do you two date? Meaning go out w/each other at least a couple times a month? Preferably weekly. If not, start doing so.

[denfor25]

...

I'm not trying to get him to read my mind and guess what it is, nor do I wish he'd ask repeatedly "what's wrong", I just want him to give some sign that he cares that I'm upset, even if I don't want to talk about it....

Pikabu, do you want him to be sympathetic then? Check out if you can relate to the following story from the same book:

"Take Vanessa," for instance. She's a 42-year-old interior designer from California.
My last husband was a doctor. We liked to ski. We were skiing in Aspen one Christmas, and we had just gotten on the hill when I blew my knee on a mogul field. I fell, and all of a sudden I hear this big "pow!" I try to stand on it and i can't. And I m looking at the bottom of the mogul field and he's there waving me down. "C'mon! Hurry up! We just got here!" So I slid all the way down on my good knee and said, "I think I blew my knee. I mean, I 'can't stand on it or anything. "And he says, "Lay down. Take off your ski." He's rotating my whole leg 360 degrees, then he says, "Yeah! You tore your ACL." I say, 'What are we gonna do?" He says, "Ski down to the next chairlift." So I skiied down on one leg while he was waiting very impatiently for me to catch up with him. "Okay," he says, "take the chairlift up to the top so they can put you on the gondola-and I'll see you later." And I said, 'Wait a minute: If you leave me here, when I get down to the bottom, I'm not seeing a doctor-I'm seeing a lawyer."

He finally helped her down the hill, but the incident was the beginning of the end of that marriage. "There was no sympathy there at all," Vanessa said, looking back on it. "If that had been a woman I was skiing with, she'd have said, 'Oh my God, your arm is hurt too! Let's get the ski patrol. 'She would have been sympathetic. Woman talk to each other. They are caring. They are listening. They discuss each other's problems. Men talk about sports. That's it. Sports or their jobs.""

[Sixpacj]

"I just want him to give some sign that he cares that I'm upset, even if I don't want to talk about it."

Well, from what you wrote, he does seem to care cause he asked you what was wrong... He did notice you were upset. And you said nothing was wrong (=you didn't want to talk about it). Sorry to be intrusive, but do you want to talk about it, or just want him to notice you're upset.

Also, to give you my perspective as a guy, there is usually a reason why a guy would not show compassion, and IMHO it is usually a history in a relationship/or family upbringing of emotional manipulation. And by this I mean pushing his emotional buttons in order to get some specific reaction from him, instead of talking about it/ asking him for it in no uncertain terms. For a man, if tehre is a problem you talk open about it. If you say "nothing is wrong", there is nothing fukking wrong! But of course, the man will notice the incongruence between your verbal message ("nothing is wrong") and your body language, facial expressions, spacial orientation cues, voice timbre fluctuations, and he will know that something is wrong, but:

1. Out of respect, he will let you be with it, cause this is how men deal with it, when a man is having a problem he is expecting to be left alone so he can deal with it, if you do this, it will be a sign of respect casue it communicates you trust in his capability of solving the problem on his own. If a man is having a problem and you rush with your probing, and insistence, to "talk about it", there is nothing more offensive as it means you do not trust him enough/don't think he is capable enough to solve his problems.

2. The man will start suspecting (and rightly so) that you are trying to manipulate him emotionally to get a specific reaction from him. Then he will start withdrawing. Of course, you will start probing and insisting even more, and he will withdraw even more, till suddenly... poof...goooooooone! And you're wondering, I don't understand... what happened...

This has been attempted on me a number of times and my reaction was always to withdraw and resent that person later, to the extent of open enmity. You don't want this in you relationship, I gather ...

I you were a guy I'd say "man up, step up, and take responsibility"...

So "woman up", step up, and take responsibility!