Financial insecurities/ Independance Issues

[RedBus]

Hi,

My girlfriend is currently in another town on short term work contract. When this comes to an end she will be unemployed and come back home. She wants to move in with me (we even spoke of marriage) but is worried that she will not find any work. She is scared of loosing her independance in relying on me to support her.

As such she would rather end/stall the relationship and find work in another town (which is easier to find work in) or move back with her parents (also in another town). She says she does not want to leave me but is battling to be a 'kept-woman'.

What can I do to convince her
(a) I am happy to keep her as a kept woman? (She thinks I would resent her for it)
(b) She will not loose her independance
(c) That the pro's outweigh the con's

What advice would you have for her?

Thanks.

[alovehangoverr]

I suppose I can see where she stands. Moving in with someone is a big deal-- not being able to contribute things can become a huge issue down the line if the relationship goes sour.

I'm sort of confused as to why she would have to put the brakes on the relationship just to find work. Is she saying she won't continue to be with you if she can't find a job?

I guess my advice would be that if she's not comfortable moving in with you until she can support herself.. then she should work on finding a job, saving up money, etc so that she can feel ok with it.

[vashti]

I think she should move home with her parents if she needs to. It is inappropriate for a girlfriend to be financially dependent on her boyfriend.

[RedBus]

I think she should move home with her parents if she needs to. It is inappropriate for a girlfriend to be financially dependent on her boyfriend.

That would be the end of us then... Parents live 1000miles away. Getting a job there will not help the relationship. She wont marry me until she gets a job.

[vashti]

Why don't you go live near her, then?

Alternately, why can't you just try out the long-distance thing for a while until the economy turns and one of you can move?

[alovehangoverr]

That would be the end of us then... Parents live 1000miles away. Getting a job there will not help the relationship. She wont marry me until she gets a job.

Do you really blame her though? Idk about you, but being fully dependent on a guy to take care of me isn't all that appealing.

You need to consider what's best for her and not just what's best for you. Why don't you make some compromises and move closer to her? Why not try long distance? Why not help her find a job closer?

You need to figure out some course of action because realistically, you can't ask her to just rely on you and give up things she wants.

[carl1222]

I assume you've been using all your acquaintances and networking to find her a job near you, right?

Carl.

[lahnnabell]

Agreed, Carl!

I moved out here from Boston, MA with a boyfriend. We moved because of his job, and I came without work. (I'm the adventurous type and it was time to give Cali a try). I wasn't working at first, but was making every effort to get a job.

My boyfriend (now ex) mentioned to his boss that I was looking for work, my credentials, and his boss then contacted me. Now I work for the school system and am going back to grad school for education.

In the mean time, when my ex and I were still living together, I worked two jobs and saved as much as I could to help out with rent, utilities, and household essentials. It was about 60/40 when it came to money due to the fact that my ex made significantly more than I did.

It can work out, but you have to exhaust all your efforts. My situation didn't pan out due to the fact that I ended up doing more work than we'd initially divided up. It didn't become an issue of being kept, but keeping him. I wasn't up for that.

You guys need to have a talk about what you want. If she wants to be as independent as possible, then help her accomplish that. Don't try to convince her that staying at home is "okay" with you. This isn't about what's okay with you, this is about her.