Is it time to be honest?

[Razor1234]

Hi all

New poster here, im going through a rather painful dilema here and im desperate for input. First a little background. Im male in my late 20's with very limited dating experience. Ive always been shy, and self concious and now the fact that im almost 30 and still havent dated much has kinda created a snowball effect as far as my confidence goes for dating. And not a good snowball effect. Ive never had any interest in going out to bars and just "hooking up" .

So enough backstory, i recently started dating a girl i have known for a few years.. but weve only been dating a month or so. I like her... ALOT. Probably more then ive ever liked anyone. But she WILL NOT initiate a conversation with me... in the 2-3 months leading up to when we started dating and the month we have been dating she has NEVER initiated a conversation with me. Its starting to make me think shes not interested. I have found out however that she read the book "Hes Just Not That Into You" and what she basically got from it was that the guy has to do EVERYTHING and shes trying to live her life according to the premise that if hes really into you he will almost stalk you to be with you. Im fine with a disproportinate amount of give and take but i need to feel like im getting a little something back... instead of nothing. Several times ive asked her to call me and let me know how something was going or how something went and she wont. I cant be the kind of guy that this book has convinced her she wants i dont think. Im not wired that way. Im shy, and its hard for me to make a move. My question is should i be honest with her and explain that i really like her alot, i just havent dated much and im very shy and its hard for me to be outgoing, or should i just write this off as we are 2 incompatible people?

Sorry for the long post. Any advice is appreciated.

Razor

[NeverBeenNLuvB4]

I'm in your exact position brother.

This girl I'm talking to seems to want me to initiate all the moves. I still don't know if she sees me as a friend or something more. I made the first move by calling her the first time & a few times after that. She's yet to call me once. I'm feeling I'm just annoying her if we're just friends by calling her too often. It's the 21st century, and both parties have to show each other they're interested. Otherwise it'll just confuse the hell of us men.

[vashti]

I must admit that I think those kind of books are silly, but dude! Get a grip. This really isn't so hard. If you really like her, you know what she's needing from you. Give it to her, or don't. Just keep in mind that relationships will ALL require effort on your part. You can get rid of her by indulging your shyness, or you can actually pursue a relationship.

[KidA]

I think a lot of women think that way. But thats so old fashioned in my eyes. If you like her I would loosen up a bit and take initiation for a while.. at least until she feels comfortable doing so. It will help you both get aquaited with the new relationship and soon the first bit of shyness will subside. However if it doesn't I would talk to her about it, and if still nothing, then go about your seperate ways. Don't give up on a good thing because of a little bump in the road. Give it some time

[lahnnabell]

Honestly, I would question dating someone who was trying to model a portion of their life after a novel/movie premise. Regardless of whatever drivel is written in that overly-popular book (I work at B&N; I've read it), it is no basis for real life experiences.

There is no sure-fire way either of you will get what you want. She seems to have a fantastical sense of how to go about initiating a relationship or courtship.

If I am interested in a guy, I say it. I express it in my body language and my desire for intelligent, meaningful conversation. If this girl wants to be waited on emotionally, you don't sound like the kind of guy who wants to put up with that. Either way, decide what you want to do pronto.

[vashti]

Actually, I think it's sad that people become so desperate they feel the need to resort to those books, but i think they contain a lot of plain old common sense. My only real issue with the underlying message of those kinds of books is that they don't have much room for flexibility. These are the rules, period.

It's been my experience that if a guy REALLY wants you, then yes, he WILL pursue you (assuming you are both available). If he is wishy-washy about you, he will make excuses about how he doesn't want to be the only one pursuing, it's too much effort, blah blah blah. Conversely, if a girl really like the guy, she will be encouraging when he makes advances, and if she isn't encouraging him, she may not really want him so much.

However, our own personal opinions of these books are irrelevant since this particular girl supposedly subscribes to these rules (BTW - how do you know that razor? Most females who read them dismiss large portions of that advice.) Razor is interested in her, and so if he wants her, he is going to have to step up.

[Razor1234]

However, our own personal opinions of these books are irrelevant since this particular girl supposedly subscribes to these rules (BTW - how do you know that razor? Most females who read them dismiss large portions of that advice.) Razor is interested in her, and so if he wants her, he is going to have to step up.

I know she's following the book because someone who is very close to her told me that when i expressed the doubts i was having about the fact that she wont call me. Anyway thanks for the advice... i am trying to "step up" but its hard for me and im just having doubts that i can step up the extent that she is looking for without much reciprocity. Ill keep trying tho!

[vashti]

Have you tried discussing this with her? Try saying something like "I really like you, but I sure would enjoy it if you called me first every now and then". She's not a mind-reader, and she probably has no idea you have issues. It is absurdly unfair of you to expect her to behave in a particular way if you have never even discussed it with her.

[Razor1234]

Have you tried discussing this with her? Try saying something like "I really like you, but I sure would enjoy it if you called me first every now and then". She's not a mind-reader, and she probably has no idea you have issues. It is absurdly unfair of you to expect her to behave in a particular way if you have never even discussed it with her.

No your right. That will probably be the next step. I just wanted some other viewpoints. Also i have told her if anything is bothering her or if she just needs to talk to feel free to give me a call anytime... but maybe i need to be more obvious.

[carl1222]

My biggest objection to these stupid rule books is that they encourage game playing as a way to conduct a relationship. They start on the assumption that your potential partner is going to try to take advantage of you and teach you defensive moves instead of telling you to be direct and to demand directness. Her refusal to initiate contact is, in a sense, a deception if she's interested in you because she is pretending indifference.

The real irony here is that the one kind of guy who will be put off by these games is the one kind of guy that most women say they want most ... a confident man who is looking to invest in a relationship.

I don't mind giving a girl a few "chase me" ego cookies, but it gets old real fast. If a girl remains aloof, it means one of three things to me: 1) she's not really interested; 2) she's being dishonest; or 3) she's playing a power game. It really doesn't matter which ... they are all dealbreakers for me and any serious confident man anyway.

The common decency of showing a little interest in the person you're dating is not something she should have to be told Razor. Constant pursuit by a guy is not a sign that he's really into a girl ... it's a sign that he's obsessive. What girl wants that?

I would meet her indifference with your indifference and back off a bit. Sure, it's a bit of a game, but probably what's needed for her to throw the book in the fireplace.

Carl.

[GemStar]

I agree with Carl. .... To me, she sounds like a player. Or like Carl said, she's playing the "power game" where she wants to remain in control so she can always have something to fall back on. I very much disagree with doing this. But ultimately, you must assess the situation yourself.

[stbmrs]

Have you tryed talking to her about this not just asking her to call you? I mean sitting down and saying "<Name> I really like you and i really like calling you and stuff but i need you to show your interest too. I need you to call me every once in a while because other wise i wonder if you want me in your life or if i'm just a pest to you" Maybe telling her that will open her eyes to the fact that a relationship needs to be as close to 50/50 as possible and that includes contact.

[Razor1234]

Have you tryed talking to her about this not just asking her to call you? I mean sitting down and saying "<Name> I really like you and i really like calling you and stuff but i need you to show your interest too. I need you to call me every once in a while because other wise i wonder if you want me in your life or if i'm just a pest to you" Maybe telling her that will open her eyes to the fact that a relationship needs to be as close to 50/50 as possible and that includes contact.

Not in so many words... ive been more subtle but its obviously not enough. Im realizing its basically to the point where i need to bring it up and talk with her about it and we will see what happens from there.

To Carl and Gemstar i agree with you that shes playing some kind of game, and im starting to resent it. The problem is that im already emotionally attached to her so its not as easy as just stop talking to her. But i think i will just bring it up and see how she responds. Worst case scenario she tells me shes not that interested in me and we go our seperate ways probably saving alot of aggrivation and heartache over the long run. Thanks for all the advice!