a woman's past

[yolo]

I am a woman who had body odor, due to a medical condition, in the past. Never been married, 28 years old. I have worked hard to get my health back and it was no walk in the park. However, the harsh treatment which I received from others due to this problem has scarred me, for life I believe. No guy who knows of me would ever date me and the way some of them treat me is reminiscent of being on a school playground. Nobody plays with me, if you get my drift. And they laugh at and sneer at me openly, publicly, in groups.

So, while in another city I met a guy who has no idea about my past. I have been having a Long distance relationship with him. I know the rumor will get to him, if not to him, certainly to his friends and family members. I figure they may not tell him if they hear it, but only try to get rid of me in an undercover (cruel) way AND ridicule him (his friends). I am scared witless remembering how everyone else treated and continue to treat me. I'm just afraid that a) I'm misleading him. I am attractive, but he doesn't know that I'm a basically a joke to many men. b) He'll feel betrayed by me, misused and scarred. c)Other women will judge him in the future for having dated me. d) he won't want to be seen with me anywhere. He'll be ashamed of me.

I have experienced moving to another city and know that it only takes one person to start rumors and put their spin on something. Most don't seem to care that it was a medical condition anyway. It's just hilarious to everyone, dehumanizing to me. And I know how quickly everybody just joins in the fun of behaving badly toward me. If not for a desire for a relationship, I could live just fine with the harassment, but I do want a relationship and I do feel like I am in a desperate position.
I don't want him to see me as desperate either.

Can I survive a relationship?

Very Insecure

[GBRaul]

It's only BO. No big deal. For me, I was born with several medical problems that affected my mental capabilities (refer to another post) and was thus the butt of jokes when I was younger. I can understand how you are feeling now. Everyone just sneers at you even though it's an affliction. And yes, recovery is no walk in the park. I made several sacrifices in my life and worked my ass off to hide (not get rid of) those problems. Up till now I'm still plagued by them, though not as badly as in the past. Personally, I think if that guy loves you for who you are, he won't care how you were in the past, especially since it wasn't even a big problem anyway (not as if you were some serial killer or something).

[blue_moon2]

Who cares about ur past? if u where bullied then so? if he really loves u then he wont care about it. i always used 2 get the piss taken out of me 2. im alot more shy now and not so out going so it does effect us.

why dont u just talk 2 him about it.he will most likely understand. you will have a laugh about it afterwards probbalt then it wil all go away.

maybe it will help build ur confidence 2.

[Uncertain]

If your odor problem is now over, I don't see why you should worry so much. You could even tell him about what happened to you, if he really cares about you, he won't mind at all. If the "rumors" on your subject ever reach his ears, he'll just say "So what?" to whoever brought it to him.

[sfalexi]

As to your assumptions.

A) It doesn't matter what you are to others. Only what you are to him. You're not misleading him, and I'm sure when the time is right you'll tell him about your past. And he won't care. Cause that's in "the past".

B) Why? Have you betrayed him? You didn't say you have. You just said that you haven't mentioned your past medical problems to him. So what?

C) That's complete BS. No one will.

D) If he ain't proud of you, he ain't the one you marry then. Simple as that.

Rod Steele

[Anthony]

I apologize in advance if I seem to have taken your post more personally than would be normal. Your message struck an issue with me that always causes anger and frustration when I see it happening, especially among adults.

I agree with sfalexi's message, especially in that you shouldn't feel the need to "measure yourself up" to your partner's friends and standards. If he can't accept you for being who you are, you need to find someone who will. I would suggest that you simply be honest with him.

I'm also fairly concerned that you're at least partially content to live with the harassment you receive, which you have absolutely no requirement to tolerate. No one has the right to degrade you through insulting actions and cruel behavior, no matter what the circumstances; I certainly wouldn't stand for it, and I sincerely believe that you shouldn't feel obligated to continue enduring those behaviors. The fact that they're being expressed in a derogatory fashion in the first place is juvenile.

Your concerns about future women judging him based on the fact that he's dated you and that he'll be ashamed to be seen associating with you are valid, though I believe they're unfounded. In the same way that men and women have no right to degrade you for being who you are, they have no right (and most would have no desire) to judge him on his past relationships.

I don't know how comfortable you are towards your partner, but I believe it might help to talk with him about this type of thing. Explain to him (or someone you feel comfortable with) how you feel and why you feel that way. If he's able to understand your situation, the extra support may be helpful to both of you. At the least, it would foster an extra degree of trust.

Either way, I feel it's important to suggest that you speak to someone about this. It may help to alleviate some of the stress you could be feeling as a result of your past experiences. If that's not possible, would writing down everything you feel towards this subject be helpful, if you were to read it back once you had finished? It might be something worth trying. Failing all of that, punching bags can work wonders.

Best of luck with your partner, let us know how it turns out.

[Illusional]

i think that deep down inside, yolo, your problem is bigger than just body odor. i think that you may be using OB as an example, because you don't want the real problem to get out. whatevers. it doesn't matter.

however what really matters is the degree to your problem and what you are actually keeping from this guy. if you only had a BO problem then obviously it shouldn't matter to this guy, but if you were a guy first, and you had a sex change, that is another story. you should basically consider, what if he was in your shoes. would you want him to tell you, which you probably would. i suggest that you be honest with him because these types of problems always have a way with catching up to you later. raverboy

[GBRaul]

Actually your problem is something deeper than BO. It's your lack of self-esteem. I used to be made fun of too, the kind of kid that gets pushed around in the playground. But look at me now! Self-esteem is very important.

[yolo]

I know I do have low self-esteem. Your messages give me some things to think about. Thanks

[GBRaul]

You've been in this state for almost all your life! That should be about... 2 decades? Snap out of it and good luck with this man!

[pofforandy]

Is this odor something that comes from your body overall, or just your private areas?

My ex g/f had a distinct odor about her nether regions, even if she just took a shower. I can't explain it, but it wasn't good. I just ignored it, b/c she was a beautiful girl with a great personality. I know she had a little insecurity about it, though.

What causes it?

[yolo]

Sadly for me it was underarm and nether regions. They both smelled the same. Regardless of deodorant. And about 15 minutes out of the shower. FRUSTRATING AS HELL. I understood that people were uncomfortable, but earth ain't exactly a luxury hotel where I was the only unpleasantness they ever encountered. I had smelled other people before and don't remember being so traumatized and disgusted that I had to just harass them everytime I saw them. Or had to get off on it. And of course, I'd never do it now.

It definitely makes you feel insecure. Shower and deodorant are supposed to do the job.

[Anthony]

I had smelled other people before and don't remember being so traumatized and disgusted that I had to just harass them everytime I saw them. Or had to get off on it. And of course, I'd never do it now.

It's a wonder that some of those people can manage to support themselves financially without becoming homeless from spending the rent money on novelty jack in the box heads, in an attempt to impress their friends. I've never been able to understand why one person would purposefully degrade another because of their own lack of self-respect and internal insecurities; it seems like something so rediculously juvenile that it wouldn't even warrent consideration, yet it still happens.

[GBRaul]

Actually, other than a problem that comes at birth, BO is caused by a collection of uric acid on the body. Like if someone happens to sweat a lot but does not have a habit of taking regular showers, he or she would probably get BO cos of the uric acid accumulating on the skin. Over a long time, it's not washable.

Anyway, it's frustrating but you've got to live with it. Up till now when people tell me something, I may have to ask them to repeat cos I have a comprehension disability. Even when I read something, I may have to read it again to understand it. As long as you have some understanding friends, it's good enough. And who gives a damn about the rest of them?

[Illusional]

i thought she had gotten rid of the problem??

raverboy