Dating a great guy with no goals...

[poelover]

Well, I've been dating this guy for about 3 months, and he is really good to me. I've been in some doozies of relationships in the past, and he actually treats me kindly and affectionately. But not anything over the top and psychotic. He's a real sweet guy! However, there are a few factors that are raising some questions in my head.

1) He's filing for bankruptcy. yeah, I know the economy sucks right now. He made a poor purchase, and the roof of the house collapsed....his home owners was expired, so it wasn't covered.

2) he's had some pretty mental issues. He lost his house, car, slipped into a serious depression requiring medication. lost his job because he had no way to get there. actually took a few weeks off work to deal with his depression. Of course I know that is a lot of stuf to deal with, but I can still see a little bit of those emotional tendencies.

3) poor choice of friends. His two closest friends are, i guess you could say, losers. And I really think they are using him, and he just lets them walk all over him. He gave them a car (now he has none). They lived in the house that he lost and never gave him a single penny. yet he still looks up to them. they are basically bums. I don't tell him how I feel about his friends. that'd be too harsh

4) he doesn't seem to have any goals. Maybe it's some lingering effects of the depression, but he doesn't seem to want to better himself. In his spare time he plays computer games and smokes weed. Doesn't reach for anything better than where he's at.

5) BIG ISSUE...we work together and have a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances. we're not in the same dept, but we are on the same schedule. His current roommate (who he had to move in with after he lost the house) is one of my close friends and we ALL work together. they aren't BEST friends (though I wish my bf would soak some of his roommate's ambition)

6) My brother can't stand him. He thinks he a loser that is never going anywhere in life. I can see how he may think that, but the bf does have potential, if he'd just USE it.

So, I guess...I don't want to give up on the guy, but at the same time I don't want to waste either of our time. Is there a way i can light a fire under his butt and realize that there is a lot more in life? AND...if it turns out there isn't enough spark to light a fire, how do I deal with the whole working together situation. I don't want to leave my job. HELP

[vashti]

You need to accept that despite his sweetness, he has some serious character flaws. It is very unlikely they will ever change because character is ingrained into your personality. Sorry, but I think your brother is 100% correct about this. You will need to either accept this man "as is", or let him go be a bum on someone else's time.

[bluesummer]

If I had a quarter for every time I heard "He has SO much potential if he's just USE it....."

Honey, they never live up to their 'potential'. I don't know why women wait around for these guys to do so, or think they can help them do it. Like Vash said, either love and accept him for what he is now, or let him go. You can't be with someone hoping they'll change. It means you don't really love him as he is, and that's not good.

[poelover]

So....what do I do about this work situation that I so stupidly put myself in!?!?! I'm pretty sure I could handle it, but I'm not sure if he could. And I don't want him to leave his job. He needs it more than I do, but I'm not going to leave either.

[gottabethejuice]

You sound like an episode of the Simpsons, They show Marge Simpson who in a flashback saw Homer do something she didn't like and she said to herself "Oh, I'll change that bad behavior into good", they then showed Homer present day doing the same thing and then panned to Marge and she was still saying "he'll change".

Point is...he's not going to change, espically if you stick around, you're rewarding his bad/lazy behavior.

[IndiReloaded]

Any number of those would be deal breakers for me. They suggest lack of planning, lack of responsibility, and possibly other things.

[poelover]

So how do you guys feel about ultimatums? 'either get yourself together or i'm out' kind of deal. I know it's wrong to try to force someone to change for ME, but it'd be more than just for me. If he saw was a little gumption could do, maybe he'd add that to his personality traits...with or without me

[gottabethejuice]

Nope, won't work. He might start the motions of change but a theat alone won't cause real change and he'll go back to being dude on the couch and you'll have wasted your time.

[Junket]

[url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/26633-description-shining-knight-syndrome.html[/url]

I posted this as a permanent thread in this forum, just for people like you.

(Yes, it applies to women too).

[Mish]

Sounds like too many problems for just 3 months into the relationship

[corinthian]

Speaking as one of these "great guys" myself (see my own thread on this), my strong advice to you is to get the hell out of this one. I am absolutely not giving up on myself and intend to fulfil a substantial part of my own potential but there is no good reason for you to be with someone with this many issues. If he changes, which will likely take him a hell of a long time, then the World will be a better place but there is no chance whatever that you will still be with him.

It is not your problem how he deals with this in respect of keeping his job. I have been there too and actually it is ok after a while. Time is a great healer.

And above all, forget about the ultimatum, that is just embarrassing and utterly doomed to fail. However, you should definitely tell him what you _ought_ to think about him - i.e. he is a loser and needs to get real.

[Naples]

I'm not one for sob stories, myself. All of those things going wrong is an indication of much more than simply "bad luck." I'd move along.

[misombra]

dump him.
________

[Gigabitch]

Use really good birth control.

[misombra]

... yeah, such as abstinence.