Why is marriage difficult?

[Cbrider]

Growing up I had a lot of friends, a majority of which were practicing LDS families. I have always stay clear of religious anything as a personal choice, so I never got drawn into the inner circle to see how it all worked. Now that I am 22 all my friends are getting married, I'm losing about 1 every 4 months and it isn't slowing down. I will not be married anytime remotely soon, I have a life to live and for better or worse am passing through my invincible stage before I settle down.

I was talking with my best friend who got married about a year ago. He just had a beautiful baby girl and seems happy as a clam. His wife is a wonderful person, they get along great as far as I can tell. Little fights here and there but nothing out of the ordinary. I remember shortly after he got married he was talking to me and losing it with her. There was always a problem and his frustrations were boiling. He got it all figured out and they are obviously happy now. He looked at me one day and said "man...no one tells you how hard marriage is, its a lot of work and theres no handbook for this..."

This isn't the first time I have heard that, but this is my best friend telling me this. All the people roughly my age that are married seem happy, but always tell me the same thing, "Don't get married yet, its not worth it..."

What makes marriage difficult, I believe what people say about it, but I don't understand why. From being in close quarters with my last girlfriend a lot, I can understand its possible to get "too much" of that certain person, but that can't be the only thing. What makes marriage so astronomically difficult to hold together? Its quiet evident by the U.S. divorce rate that its no cake walk.

Its kind of a generic, open ended question, but its something that kind of fascinates me in a lot of ways. They're very few things that scare me, but marriage is a potential one. Commitment never has and never will be an issue for me, I just want a lot of time to know who I'm considering. My parents both went through very nasty divorces prior to finding each other and are extremely strong advocates of not getting married young (early/mid twenties).

I talk with my dad about it from time to time, he coped with a cheating first wife. Although it was torture for him, he tells me what signs he missed he doesn't want me to follow in his steps there. I specifically remember asking him one day if there were any signs and he said one thing without hesitation, "We never fought." I didn't even know my mom was previously married until my aunt mentioned a guys name when I was 18. I inquired about it with my dad and thats how I found out, its not something she wants to talk about.

Throw out whatever you've got, I'm interested in hearing it.

[Lipp]

Although it was torture for him, he tells me what signs he missed he doesn't want me to follow in his steps there. I specifically remember asking him one day if there were any signs and he said one thing without hesitation, "We never fought."

If that's true my current relationship is terrible >,<

But yeah, while the missy is looking to be married before 30 (she's 23, so years to go, but still) I think that marriages can work somewhat without tying you down entirely depending on the couple's attitudes, however marriage + kids should only be undertaken when you're ready to settle down for sure.

[Cbrider]

If that's true my current relationship is terrible >,<

We're talking once in the entire course of dating and their some odd month long marriage. One argument between two people over the course of a few years and its not an exaggeration....

I think you're just fine.

[vashti]

I think many people in our society are unused to having to work at much of anything, and don't understand what real commitments mean. They have poor negotiation skills, and when things get tough, they have learned to walk away because their parents have role modeled that divorce is an option. they have unrealistic, romanticised expectations of marriage, and didn't consider that when they got married, they might still be attracted to other people. They overlook bad behavior when they are dating because they feel obligated to "work things out", and that behavior is even more intolerable when they get married. Combine this with your friends getting married too young, and you have "difficult" marriages.

[misombra]

everybody i know that went out and got married after highschool or a few years after are divorced. with children. people have fantasies about marriage that it's milk and honey. that all of a sudden their partners will be so much more in love with them because they have a ring. then people start to outgrow each other.

i think when you get closer to my age you'll start seeing people separating, and it will be for all kinds of different reasons.

[Gribble]

Just the other day a guy in his early twenties told me he was getting married and then he stared at me expectantly. I assume he thought I was going to congratulate him. The only thing that came to mind was, "I'm sorry to hear that." I doubt that would have gone over well so I didn't say anything.

I've never had anything good to say about marriage, particularly in regards to young couples. It's a wonderful way to squander what's left of your youth and not much else. Live a little. When you're old and tired, fine, go get hitched and live a shitty life. But why the hell would anyone want to rush into that? There's so much to see and do before you go off breeding like a ****ing farm animal.

[lovesjoyajm]

I think a bad marriage has always been the thing that has scared me most in life. I probably assumed there were "good" people whose marriages lasted and "bad" people who got divorced, and God help me if I wasn't going to be the second type. I was going to find my Prince Charming at 20 or 22 like most of my family and friends, get married and live happily ever after.

Then the statistics started getting to me, and a few years ago I subconsciously developed the philosophy, "get married later so you have 5, 8, 10 fewer years to start hating each other." It's tragic, actually.

Plus I kind of agree with Gribble although I do have a positive view of marriage - I want some time for me. And I'm taking it before I have to give myself up. And I do want to give myself up for my family eventually, I'm just not ready yet.

[kate_spencer]

everybody i know that went out and got married after highschool or a few years after are divorced. with children.

This is one of the reasons why divorce rate is high.. couples, especially young couples don't thought twice or thrice or a hundred times before they enter into getting married. Until they realized that they're not meant for each other.. or thought that they were missing something in their lives that they wasn't able to do because they married young.

There's nothing easy in this world.. everything is hard and have to be worked hard to achieve what you want to achieve. But achieving it depends on how persevere a person is or a couple is. And every relationship is a working relationship.. as long as a couple is respecting each other and understanding each other, other than loving each other and admiring each other.. then the marriage will work til the end.

You'll just have to measure how ready you are to enter into getting married.

[bluesummer]

Getting married young doesn't work 95% of the time becaue you're still growing as a person. I'm 29 now, and I can say that I changed a LOT between the ages of 18 and 26, which means the partners that were right for me then wouldn't be right for me now.

Most people get married for 'love', but that's almost the least important factor. Love changes. It starts off romantic and exciting, and changes to something familiar and cozy. A lot of the excitement goes away, and people panic when that happens.

Being married or even in a committed long term relationship requires you to be considerate, compromising, and respectful of the other person's decisions, goals, and personality traits. It requires patience. It requires an ability to work as a team through rough times. This can be harder to accomplish in some relationships than others.

[Mish]

I'll marry when I'm ready to breed

[lahnnabell]

I know several people who have gotten married. I'm 24, and they're either a year younger or older than I am. I don't know why they're rushing everything.

My best friend used to go to Barnes & Noble and make a beeline for the wedding books. I just kind of stood their awkwardly for a while, then snuck away to the graphic novel section. Now she's married to an amazing guy and I'm happy for them. They just bought a house. But man, is it gonna last? It's been almost a year for them and there's so much time for them to change and grow. It'll either be together or apart.

The way my friend would talk about getting married freaked me out for her. She would say things like, "Yeah, I hope he wants to travel with me." Why is that something you would assume and not discuss? It makes me happy that I've taken the chances I have. Backpacking in Europe on a whim, driving out to San Diego and staying there despite my difficult break up.

I'm gonna have stories, man. Stories that start, "You know, before I met your father..."

[tooxshort]

This is not the forum to ask why marriage is difficult. However, you'll get a ton of responses AGAINST marriage.

I don't know what it is, but marriage is challenging. Accommodating a family is the big thing and it's hard to do anything without putting your spouse and children into consideration. My wife swears that she doesn't care if I go out with the fellas and have a drink or two or twenty, but the fact that I'm leaving my wife bored at home makes it less appealing ... and at the same time, I'm bummed that I can't go out and go into a drunken frenzy because of my consideration to her and my daughter.

I don't know how to explain it, but it's deep as f*ck ...

[Cbrider]

This is not the forum to ask why marriage is difficult.

I don't have a better place to ask, nor a place I would really trust peoples opinions and believe it was their honest responses. I can see why you would say that though.

[Gigabitch]

It's difficult because if you really mean it, it's for the rest of your life, and that's a pretty heavy burden to take on. Getting married effectively seals the exits and most people find that to be uncomfortable. Trusting someone so completely is scary.

[DoesntMatter]

Interesting, my grandparents and all of my great aunts and uncles got married young, and none of them divorced. Then again none of them were idiots either