He's seeing a therapist

[Naples]

I was dating this guy for 2.5 months. When we met he was just a couple months out of a 3 year relationship. In the beginning everything was fairytale-- he took me out every weekend, told me he liked me, called me every other day, etc. We started to see each other twice a week and he called me every night. He told me he was "soo crazy" about me. We got to the point where he asked me to be exclusive. I complied. However, just days later it came out that he doesn't think being "exclusive" means that we are boyfriend/girlfriend. And he didn't want to rush into using that label. It actually led to my breaking up with him for 4 days, but we talked it out. I tried to be patient. I'm a virgin so we never want all the way. I kept telling him I wasn't ready, I was waiting til we were in love... One day we were out at Dunkin Donuts and ran into a friend of his, who asked, "is this your girlfriend?" to which the dope replied, "Not yet." This lead to an argument where I told him, by the end of next month I am going to want more clarity. Well, a couple weeks later he began pulling away from me. Calling and texting less, wanting to see me less, etc. So finally one morning (2 days ago) on AIM he asked me if I was coming over that night like we had planned. Put off by his standoffish behavior, I bluntly asked, "Why don't you just tell me what is bugging you?" he said "we need to talk about us" I told him, "I agree." he said he'd prefer to do it in person. I said--just tell me. He said he wanted to talk about where we were going. I asked, "so you're not breaking up with me?" He replied--"not entirely but I do want to slow down." Basically he told me that for the past 2 weeks he's been lying to me about having doctor's appointments, he's really been seeing a therapist. He says he's a jerk, he's not the person he used to be..he needs to resolve his issues before we get more serious. I told him that it would have to be a break-up then because I wasn't interested in going backwards. He still wanted to see me to return my necklace I left at his place, and I had worn his clothes home the last time we saw each other. I said I didn't want to see him that night. I wasn't angry, I told him, I just didn't want to see him. I told him the same thing the next day. He said "let me return it soon, I know it means a lot to you." I told him that I have others. Today, I mailed his clothes. I don't want to see him. I don't really have a specific question. I'm just looking for insight. Did I do the right thing? Was I too pushy? Is he being honest with me? I never believe the "It's not you it's me" line. Does he want to see me to just return my necklace? Or do you think he wants to talk and try and get me to go back, but at a "slower" pace. And, what does it mean to slow things down between two people? See other ppl? See me less often? Please give me insight. Thank you.

[carl1222]

You are putting enormous pressure on him to give you a level of commitment that he does not feel comfortable with yet. That in itself is enough to explain why he pulled back from you.

He's only been out of a significant (3 year!!!) relationship for 4 months. It's not at all unusual that he wants to be cautious when going into a new one ... not because he's hoping to get back with his ex, but he wants to be extra sure that he's making the right choice. It does not surprise me that your demands spooked him.

By taking things in smaller, slower steps (and even him seeking therapy) it will give you both a better chance of having a good relationship in the long run. In the meanwhile, he did offer you a slightly smaller commitment step ... exclusivity. This means he hopes you two will concentrate on exploring a relationship without the distraction of dating others, and expects it to lead a fully committed relationship soon. This is what I think he means by a "slower pace."

His comment "not yet," while somewhat lacking in tact, was completely accurate yet you think it was "dumb" ... I wonder why, embarrassment?

As far as I can see, the only real problem here is your impatience. Why is it so important to you to "close the deal" at the early end of responsible commitment when he needs more time to clear his head? If it were six months, you'd have a point. After only 2 1/2 months, you are still relative strangers getting to know each other.

Carl.

[Naples]

You are putting enormous pressure on him to give you a level of commitment that he does not feel comfortable with yet. That in itself is enough to explain why he pulled back from you.

He's only been out of a significant (3 year!!!) relationship for 4 months. It's not at all unusual that he wants to be cautious when going into a new one ... not because he's hoping to get back with his ex, but he wants to be extra sure that he's making the right choice. It does not surprise me that your demands spooked him.

By taking things in smaller, slower steps (and even him seeking therapy) it will give you both a better chance of having a good relationship in the long run. In the meanwhile, he did offer you a slightly smaller commitment step ... exclusivity. This means he hopes you two will concentrate on exploring a relationship without the distraction of dating others, and expects it to lead a fully committed relationship soon. This is what I think he means by a "slower pace."

His comment "not yet," while somewhat lacking in tact, was completely accurate yet you think it was "dumb" ... I wonder why, embarrassment?

As far as I can see, the only real problem here is your impatience. Why is it so important to you to "close the deal" at the early end of responsible commitment when he needs more time to clear his head? If it were six months, you'd have a point. After only 2 1/2 months, you are still relative strangers getting to know each other.

Carl.

Thank you. You make some valid points. I can see where you are coming from. However, with all of this new talk of "he's just not that into you" if he so much as misses a day in calling you or doesn't propose to you after a week of dating, it gives girls the impression that if a guy is anything short of falling at our feet, he doesn't care about us.

I suppose I was a little impatient, but my point was and still is this-- I have been dating him for the same amount of time he has been dating me, and I am ready to be at a stage that he is not. If being with me, wholely (not this "halves" bull crap), is spookey to him, then clearly we are not meant for each other. Clearly I am more into him than he is into me, he cannot reciprocate my feelings. And therefore, I think I made the right decision in moving along to find someone who can match my affections.

Thanks again, Carl.

[Naples]

Oh, to answer your question about the "not yet" comment, you asked if I called it dumb because of embarassment. Yes, that's correct. We had just spent the night together and I was wearing his clothes, and it just seemed disrespectful and degrading for him to not at least give me the dignity of saying "yes" to that question. Even if HE himself isn't ready to use that title. I think another issue was that he overanalyzed everything. He thought it was a HUGE deal to use the word "girlfriend." For me, it's like--there ar 13 year olds who declare someone as their "gf" it's not that monumental.
Let me tell you how our first fight on the issue came about. It was like, 3 days after the phone convo in which he asked me to be exclusive. His aunt had written on his facebook wall, "I wanna see pics of your new girlfriend." I'm over at his apartment, and he just suddenly brings up, "Oh, did you read my latest wall post?" I said--no. So he told me what it said, and he made a point of saying, "I wrote back to her and was like--I told you I was dating someone, I don't know if you would call her my 'girlfriend.'" That's how it came up. My point is simply this--I NEVER PUT PRESSURE ON HIM to use these labels, or change his facebook status from "single" to "in a relationship." Both times the subject came up it was from someone other than me. However, once it was brought up, yes it did bother me that he went so far out of his way to shy away from such titles. idk, it's important to me. The way he refers to you speaks volumes of the respect he feels for you.

[IndiReloaded]

You know what you want, this is a good thing. However, you do sound like you tend to overreact emotionally.

Personally, I wouldn't get worked up over someone after so short a time. So, in that sense I can see his point. Tho, I do think he was mincing words with this "exclusive but not BF/GF" thing. That sounds odd; to me they are the same thing. Also his "not yet" comment sounded a bit disrespectful somehow.

I think you'll end up pulling your hair out over this one. Just drop him and find someone more ready to have a relationship.

[Naples]

Thanks IndiReloaded! I agree with most of what you said. And I did "drop him." :-)

[Naples]

So he texted me today after recieving the package I sent him containing his clothes. He said he didn't feel comfortable sending my "valuables" through the mail and that we have to arrange a meeting. I replied, "It's 20 bucks worth of Target jewelery...pitch it. Thanks anyways though."
WHY does he want to see me? I don't want to hear AGAIN how he can't be with me right now. I get it. And am currently packing to spend another night at my old, old boyfriend's... why does this guy want to see me, just to tell me he can't give me what I want? In my experience, guys AVOID telling a girl such things with all their might...it's one of the hardest/most unpleasant tasks. What the heck.