Dealing with first breakup

[Kevman87]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forums. I finally decided to post my situation and see if I could get any opinions. This is my first experience with heartbreak, and this is the first girl that I ever considered a "true love"

So, I'm here because my girlfriend of two years left me near the beginning of January this year. We had been living together, and when she finally told me she was moving out and we were breaking up, I was shocked. We had a long talk that night, and at the time that she left, it was clear she still loved me, but I guess she kinda felt like our relationship wasn't heading in the right direction. I'm still a little confused about why she broke up with me, without even trying to fix the problems that we had. I Believe her main issues were that she felt like I wasn't making as much of an effort to persue my life goals as she was, and also whenever we argued, things would blow out of proportion because neither of use knew the correct way to handle things. Also, I was going to marry this girl. We were suppose to get married in November of 2008, but about month before the wedding we decided it would be better for both of use to wait a little longer. But we bought the rings, the wedding dress, the center pieces and all this stuff for it too. So the fact that we loved one another that much just a few months ago, and now we're here, it's just kinda unbelievable.

So anyway, she left, but when she left she also made it seem like a very real possibility that we would be getting back together. She said we just needed time apart to grow as individuals. Because of this I tried to get her to make a promise with me that we wouldn't see other people while we were apart, just because if we did it could ruin any chance of use getting together again at all. But, she said she didn't think it was fair of me to force her to make promises to me, and that she wasn't going to see anyone anyway because it would just be added drama she didn't need. I believed her, but I think deep down I knew it was going to happen (mostly because she's an actress, and in the theater people go out and drink after shows, and usually end up hooking up).

So during our time broken up, we would occasionally hang out with each other, and that sometimes lead to us fooling around (not sex though, since we both wanted to wait till we got married), and that kinda made me feel better because I knew there was still something there. And since being apart, I was trying to do things to show her I was working to change and fix the things that I know I did wrong in the relationship. Even bought a book that related to our problems, so that if we did end up back together, the same things wouldn't happen again. But then a few weeks ago, she tells me that she hooked up with these two guys, one day after the other. She regretted it and had trouble telling me because she thought I would hate her. And although I was hurt, of course I couldn't hate her. And Inside, I was still harboring hope of saving our relationship.

Ugh, but it seems like just when i'm about to climb out of this deep dark hole I'm stuck in, something happens and I slip back down even deeper. About two weeks ago, she was dropping the car off to me (since we share a car, and that makes this all a lot harder) and I could sense something was up. I asked if it was another guy, and she said "kinda". Apparently this guy in her play likes her a LOT, and she does like him too, but she doesn't want anything serious. But what's weird is that this guy is a lot like me. They meant in the same way I meant her, and she tells me that he says the same things to her that I do. AND when they were out drinking once, she even called him my name. Geez I don't know what to think of this. They've gone on a few dates, and I guess they're just gonna keep dating casually until their show is over, then they'll see how they feel after that. In the mean time she told me it's not a good idea for us to see each other because she allways feels like I'm trying to get her back (which I was doing).

So I'm just lost. Last monday was super hard for me and I had a little break down (even wrote a suicide note, which I've never ever thought about doing before.) I'm doing better now after reading a lot of the posts on here and seeing how many people are going through what I am. I don't know if I should just give up hope completely. But what i have started to understand again is my own self worth. I have to keep telling myself that I am worth it, and that I deserve someone that will want me as much as I want them; instead of asking myself whats wrong with me and why doesn't she want me anymore, when we were so completely in love with each other. It's hard for me to picture my future with out her in it, but if she really doesn't even want to try to fix what we had, there's not much I can do.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I appreciate any feedback/opinions/advice as this is all so new to me, and at times I question if I'm doing the right thing. I didn't include everything so if you need any other details, just let me know. Thanks again.

[Hollywood]

I am glad that you woke up and smelled the coffee. This is not worth taking your life over. I encourage you to continue doing whats best for you and your future as a man. I hope that you do it for yourself and not for her.

I understand that you love her and you want to be with her. The best way of handling this, is letting her go. You can still be friends but treat her like you would if you were in a relationship with another woman. No more fooling around. None of that.

This reminds me of my first break up. I felt like you did too. I had to redirect my attention and gain a sense of pride because I realized I was only making a fool of myself.

[Kevman87]

Thank you much. Over the past week, i've kinda started to realize just how bad it was getting me. I don't want to be that desparate begging guy, and I know that won't help anything. And I feel like right now, all I can see is her, but I need to be reminded how many different girls there are out there, and that one of them could make me really really happy. While I do still wish for things to work out between us, I'm definitely going to try and work on myself from here on. Thank you again.

[Hollywood]

Your welcome and best of luck to you!! And yes keep reminding yourself that your life is not over! xoxo

[Cbrider]

Alright man, you're starting to get the picture here but lets not beat around the bush. She doesn't feel for you like she did, her romantic interest in you has fallen away and now all thats left is the physical attraction...the last thing to go.

Shes out sleeping around knowing all to well that you still care and have feelings for her, a clear sign shes done and moving on. I tried to be Mr. Understanding with my last girlfriend....don't, you don't owe it to them and its not fair to yourself. You can choose to go that route, its up to you, but all roads lead to the same end. One day you will realize how bad you have been had and get really angry inside about it and probably grow to have a hatred for what she did to you.

When you are truly over her, that anger will subside and you could give two shits less about the person. Figure out a way to cut this sharing a car bullshit, it will be better for you in the end. Honestly, the BEST thing you can do is eliminate her from your life in every possible way. Names, numbers, addresses, emails, photos, notes, anything and everything. Burn it, trash it, shred it, donate it, get it the hell away from you, you wont need it again.

Don't look for her, drive by places she might be hoping to see her, check your email to see if she tried to contact you. Pretty soon you will start to feel good again, you wont attract attention by wallowing in self pity, been there....doesn't work and makes you feel like an idiot looking back.

Never stop searching, find perfection for you, it exists. There is someone out there that wants you to hold them every chance you get, will love you for who you are and move the world to be with you. She's out there....you need to go find her, this girl isn't her.

[Only-virgins]

I am glad that you woke up and smelled the coffee.

How does waking up and smelling the coffee do anything?

[Kevman87]

I do agree cbrider. That's like the hardest thing for me to do right now, but I think you're right that it has to be done. She actually came and got the rest of her stuff from my place recently, and I was thinking of re-arranging my room. It's funny because when she told me about her sleeping around and what not, I wasn't mad. But the more I think of it and how she knew I was there and waiting for her, it does piss me off.

We are suppose to get together to discuss things like the car and the wedding ring payments (ugh) so I gotta think about what I'm going to say and how to act beforehand.

[CocoChanel]

You know that's a good idea... rearranging your room. That actually helps, visually. I did that when my sister died and for some reason it did help. Rearrange the house, redecorate. All of that.

Either way... you'll get over it in time.

Oh and O-V... 1st and last to you... hop off. Thanks.

[Kevman87]

Ok so an update.

Yesterday she texted me and ask to meet up to get everything squared away. I agreed and I met her at the coffee bean. We talked casually for a little bit, and I made sure to be happy, upbeat and funny. We did get around to talking about the car and all payments for the rings and everything. She had wanted me to pay her back the money she put in to buy the car, but we eventually came to an agreement that I would just pay off all the rest of the stuff we have to pay for (wedding rings, $1000 car repair, etc.) and I wouldn't have to pay her. Thank god for that.

I also tried to tell her that if she decided to get serious with the guy she was dating, we couldn't remain friend. But, she didn't seem to understand that and it upset her. So I kinda just let it go and didn't push the issue. I took her to get something to eat, and it was nice. Like old times even. I could tell there was still strong feelings between us and she even slipped up and called me "babe" once. Later I dropped her off to go party with her friends, and I with mine.

The last thing she said to me was "keep in touch", but honestly I really don't think I'm going to initiate contact at all. And I don't know what to do if she tries to call me or something. She doesn't see how difficult it is for me to be with her, but not have her be mine. Ugh. So basically today I was thinking about our meeting like all day and i kinda feel like I've taken some steps backward in the moving on process. It was great to see her and hang out, and i think that's made this even harder.