he's seeing a therapist

[seeker09]

Hi ,ok well i posted before about the man in my life. so this is what has been going on, we whent to the movies last week and again he couldent keep his hands off me even though we are only friends now. We got to talking and he told me he is seeing a therapist to see if he could overcome his fears of commitment becouse he dose love me and care about me and wants to be able to have a good relationship with me. He asked me to trust him and give him the time he needs to figure things out. I do trust him and care so much about him but i dont know if i want to waite on him cuse this is a issue he has had his whole life. He's 33 and i am 28, i told him i would like to see other people well he is dealing with this and he got mad so now i am stuck once again and dont know where this is going ... i dont know what to do please some help from other guys and women would be awsome thanks

[carl1222]

I read your earlier posts. If he is indeed seeking therapy, that's a sign that he is trying to deal with his fears and emotions rather than just stringing you along. Whether you want to help him out or bail out depends on your level of love for him. If you truly love him, then hanging in there for a while is a very loving and supportive thing to do. Love is work. But certainly nobody would blame you for bailing out now.

What do you mean when you say it's a lifelong thing? Has he never been able to commit to anyone in the past 15 years?

Carl.

[seeker09]

hi carl, ya this is a big issue for him hes only had one relationship before me when he was younger in his 20's. but his commitment problems are in almost every part of his life ex : he has enough money to buy a house but has fears of getting the wrong place so instead still lives with his mom and dad. Kids he wants them but he dosent want to raise them wrong so he tells himself that he shouldent have them as he would make a bad father, and of course that he cares about me but dosent think he is good enough for me. Stuff like that is what he is seeking help for.

[carl1222]

Maybe his therapist can help him become less timid in life ... is he worth the effort to you?

Carl.

[Henry123]

Jeez! For A second I got scared!
I almost thought you were talking about me when I saw the word therapist up. Because my old therapist was hitting on me and I am in Canada.

[seeker09]

yes! he is worth the effort. I just hope it dosent take forever for him to figure it out.

[IndiReloaded]

Its not unreasonable for you to set a time limit for how long you will wait for him to sort himself out. He could be in therapy for years. How long do you think a reasonable time limit, given your ages and situation?

[carl1222]

Its not unreasonable for you to set a time limit for how long you will wait for him to sort himself out. He could be in therapy for years. How long do you think a reasonable time limit, given your ages and situation?

Perhaps your boyfriend could give you permission to talk with his therapist so he/she can tell you what your expectations should be.

Carl.

[vashti]

Personally, I am not so much into "fixer-uppers"; you should be expecting to take him "as is" (or not). If your goal is to have a family, I think you should limit the amount of time you are willing to waste on him accordingly. He's not an especially young man anymore, and his emotional problems are no doubt pretty ingrained. I kind of doubt you'll be seeing any miraculous changes anytime soon if at all (which I doubt).

[The Wise]

He just seems like a confused person. It's not a terrible condition, and a very common one for his age.

The "therapy" he's going to get is most likely just talk with the shrink, because he's not ill or sick. A professional shrink can provide him something a normal friend cannot: being a professional, he has personally seen hundreds of people with the same problems, and read books about many more thousands cases like his. So he's got a more authoritative opinion of what your guy could start doing to make peace with his problems.

It might be frustrating for you to wait for him, but it's a very good sign that he decided to talk about it with a therapist, because - let's face it - most people would be ashamed of going to a doctor for this kind of problems, due to a culture that often convinces as that he who has personal problem is a "loser", while he's very normal instead!

On the other hand, it might take a long time, a couple of years even. What should you do? I believe you should do only one thing: ask yourself how much you really care for this guy. If you really care, stick together, if you don't care that much consider splitting. This is actually quite obvious, and doesn't even have much to do with him being in therapy for something. But when your partner has some depression or similar issue, it unavoidably affects you as well; things like this happen many times in a lifetime, so ask yourself if you feel like you want to share the burden with him, or if you cannot stand the idea. IOW, ask yourself how much you love him.

[seeker09]

thanks everyone. I do love him as he is but to him this is his problem that he is working on and b/c of it he is trying to use it to keep me away, but yet he dosent want me to go. i am willing to hold out for a bit but i did mention maybe i should see other people and he did get mad about that. As he just started seeing this therapist i think i should give him some time like 6 months or so and see were we are at that time. Carl you said maybe he would let me see the therapist that might be a good idea when i see him this weekend i will ask him what he thinks about that.

[vashti]

Just be careful he isn't just seeing the therapist as a way to manipulate you into staying in a situation he has no intention of changing. Sorry, but I've seen LOTS of psych people do that... therapy buys them a lot of time.

[carl1222]

Just be careful he isn't just seeing the therapist as a way to manipulate you into staying in a situation he has no intention of changing. Sorry, but I've seen LOTS of psych people do that... therapy buys them a lot of time.

You'r my favorite cynic, vashti ... but I love you all the same!

Carl.

[vashti]

Sorry, occupational hazzard. I see lots of manipulative people.

[carl1222]

Sorry, occupational hazzard. I see lots of manipulative people.

So do I ... I'm a lawyer.