Can you be happy with someone you love being happy with someone else...?

[JJ_3009]

Hey all,

I've posted on before with this particular girl. It seems that after previous relationships and meeting her she's changed the person I am and has been such a positive impact in my life.

I found out recently she is finally entering her first official relationship and she has been attracted to people before but never me.

Background: She has liked a guy for many years but because he didn't make a move - I think she's moved on and tried to find hapiness herself which I think its a progressive step - two other guys have liked her and told her how they feel in the past - as she was still into this guy for many years she didn't take it further and the first one p***d off - and the second did tell her but she never saw him in that way... so he stopped talking to her and has made her feel guilty about it since.

Since I found out she was getting to know someone else, I've tried to be as supportive as possible and as much as it hurt - is it weird that I'm trying to be and am genuinely happy she's taken this step in her life to be happy and as much as I know it's so painful that it's not with me (trust me many tears, many stupid type thoughts and much pain because of it) I still feel I should be and want to be happy because she's finally happy with her life and I don't see why I should ruin it.

She found out through a text where I genuinely wanted her to be happy and take charge of her own life, even if that meant that it wasn't with me (basically she found out how I felt) - we both know that she's known for a long time and she's given me many signals which I should've taken notice off - a stupid part of me clung on to a ray of hope thinkng things could change as we got on so well and she's like someone i've never met - someone I actually saw a future with - I mean at the end of the day she's my best friend. I still think it's because of the way I look and the fact that we do have ups and downs and the fact she's lost two friendships, she says that the reason is that she doesn't want to lose a friendship - I find that a little hard to believe but it's something I've come to accept.

I've told her exaclty how I feel now and that I am happy for her and will support her in this new journey she's about to take in her life - with objective advice as I only want whats best for her - it kills me to say it and actually believe it as it keeps me upset most nights and I try to keep a brave face as she wants me to move on.

The fact we are such good friends and she is a big part of my life - even though she's known this new guy less than a week and a half - he makes her happy and i've heard he's a new guy and to be honest I'm happy with the fact she's happy in her life - even if that means I'm not - it's the hardest thing to watch the person you love loving someone else - but, is it that wrong to be happy for them because they are happy - it hurts that you won't share the same memories and that you wern't given a chance but that's not my decision to make and no one can force smeone to love someone - instead I'm just trying to be supportive and keep going, it's a really low point in my life right now and I wish this news which I already knew pretty much didn't hit me right now but it has...

My question is, does anyone have experience of being happy for someone despite them loving someone else? How can one move on but still keep a good friendship with someone - I don't want to lose her in my life and she doesn't want to lose me - she doesn't like to see me hurt and she keeps apologising that she can't feel the same way - I feel so bad that i've put her in this situation because she doesn't need this before entering a brand new relationship - I just coudn't go through life not telling her how I felt - it's out in the open now and I am trying to be happy for her...

Is that so wrong and has anyone experienced this...? :$

[Mish]

Can you be happy with someone you love being happy with someone else...?

The short answer is no

How can one move on but still keep a good friendship with someone

You tell yourself, you can't have her. Then you tell yourself you're better than her and you'll find someone better. Adrenalin and other chemicals will kick in and override any other feelings you might have had for her. Before you know your infatuation is over.

[carl1222]

If I may be so bold, I think you are asking the wrong question, JJ.

The right question is ... can you be just a friend when you love someone and she doesn't love you back. The answer is not just "no" ... it's "hell no!" It's probably the most destructive relationship you can be in.

Sure, she values your friendship because that is all she sees you as ... a friend. But for you, trying to be just her friend (it's comforting to you in a way ... because you get to keep her in your life a while longer) will cause you enormous pain that can last for years!

For your own sanity, you HAVE to completely let her go, even as a friend. She's already told you that she will never be able to give you what you NEED from her. I'm so sorry for your pain.

Carl.

ps ... I don't share Mishanya's optimism that infatuation dies that quickly. Even unfed, it can easily last 2-3 years. Fed by "freindship" it can last indefinitely.

pps ... read this current thread ... sound familiar? [url]http://www.loveforum.net/love-advice-forum/28578-i-think-i-am-falling-her-again.html[/url]

[NeoSeminole]

it's very difficult but can be done. I love my first ex. We dated for 1 yr 3 mo. We have a connection every time we see each other - the kind where a single look conveys thousands of memories. However, we have both moved on and are seeing other people. I can honestly say that I'm happy for her.

[JJ_3009]

Thank you everyone for your posts.

This maybe my denial kicking in full blast mode here and all those insecurities creeping up but could it be possibly that it's purely as it's her first experience with guys on the whole.

I mean to be quite honest the guy she's liked for years -she wasn't attracted to him for quite some time - it took quite a long time, a few years I think but he grew on her and well she was over head over heels for him but he didn't make a move.

I've slightly noticed a pattern (how sad that is) of the guys she is attracted to - not only are they quite similar but they're mostly quite similar looking - it's obviously the type of guy she's attracted to - I mean she's moved into something for the first time (probably from being fed up getting older and without taking a risk) with someone she hardly knows in a way - after a week and a half to be fair, maybe in my view not enough time to completely get to know someone but to be honest I'm quite glad she's taken that step away from this other guy as at least now she can be happier.

I guess my way of thinking might be painful - it seems to land me in sh** everytime... Is it wrong for me to stay as a friend and try to move on at the same time - I know that there are plenty of people out there but I really don't want to lose a friendship over this - as much as it will hurt and it does upset me, I'm glad she's actually taking control of her life with something she wants to do.

I'm not holding my breath for any chances and will most likely start this whole process of moving on - but now I'm in that sort of mode to prove her wrong, is that really bad - like to actually go out of my way to make myself feel better, go to the gym, tone up and just be me to the maximum and do what the hell I want pretty much (it'll take time) but I don't know whether to feel guilty about that or not.

I think she's like me when I first started dating - a lot of the time you get taken in by physical attraction, sometimes it works and you end up finding someone who's extremely nice, other times you're not so lucky... see most girls would tell someone to f*** off straight away - whereas we've both kind of gone out of our way to make this friendship work and to make sure this doesn't get awkward...

What do you think... still worth letting go :$?

[NeoSeminole]

I say try to make a friendship work between you two. It will suck a lot of energy from you but if you can hang in there, you will come out emotionally much stronger.

[The_bobb]

I say try to make a friendship work between you two. It will suck a lot of energy from you but if you can hang in there, you will come out emotionally much stronger.

OR cause a huge dramatic situation later down the road... I'm with carl on this one. You simple can't be friends with someone you have feels for.

You can be NICE to each other. Don't TRY to avoid her. You don't have to be a dick about it. But i just wouldn't recommend it.

[NeoSeminole]

The_bobb says:

"OR cause a huge dramatic situation later down the road... I'm with carl on this one. You simple can't be friends with someone you have feels for.

You can be NICE to each other. Don't TRY to avoid her. You don't have to be a dick about it. But i just wouldn't recommend it."

hence why I prefaced my first post with "it's very difficult but can be done." Just b/c you cannot be friends with someone you love doesn't mean it's impossible for others.

[JJ_3009]

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I'm just wondering how strong this friendship really is to be fair.

I think it'll help to see if she notices me gone for a little while - at least till I sort myself out - I'm still going through that 'seeing couples everywhere and hurting' mode - as much as I am happy for her, it still obviously hurts especially in the initial stages right? That is normal?

I think it's the fact that she's lost friendships because of people liking her, she's sceptical and doesn't want to lose another one - it's the irony that you can go out with someone you hardly know and fall for them - and then the person and people who know you best, what makes you tick, your ups and your downs and are always there for you never get a look in or a shot that's all part and parcel of life I guess...

Does this ever change or does anyone know of instances where people do realise later on?... bear in mind this is her first relationship with any guy...

It's just maybe as she's never seen me in that way and too much of a friend that she's never really realised everything that I do for her - in a more romantic relationship you realise the little things - I guess it slightly passes over and doesn't get as noticed when soemone just sees you as a friend.

What do people think ?

[Anomaly]

Your story sounds so similar to mine, I know that it can be done. I met somebody at the end of last year, and she profoundly changed my life. I told her how I feel, and she told me that she's already seeing somebody else. So I wrote her a letter on friendship, saying similar things that you have mentioned here, and she accepted that.

I believe that she is my soul mate, our story is so insanely unique, and I know that this is just the beginning. I am extremely happy that she is happy right now, and I believe that we just aren't ready to be together yet. And no matter whether we are, or we are not, I will always love her, and I will always be happy for her, no matter what. That's how I know that it's true love for me.

So it can be done, and I am living proof of it. I am 30 and have never felt like this for anybody, so I know it's real love, and I believe that she will also know it one day! I have always felt selfish about people, my entire life. And she brought out something completely new from me. I have felt so inspired by her, so enthusiastic towards life. I used to have mood swings, my emotions all over the place. Ever since I met her, I have been so stable and I haven't taken a single pill. I have been smiling, day in and day out, she helped me find what I love to do as well. She helped me find my true self, find who I really am. And ever since I met her, and whenever I think about her, even if we are a world away from each other right now, I get a glowing feeling from inside of me, my heart feels so warm, it's insane.

It IS possible, so keep the faith, and be happy for the love that you have found, no matter how it turns out!

[JJ_3009]

Thank you Anomoly for that piece of advice - really made me smile.

It's given me hope and a lot more belief in the situation at hand!

I am just wondering - does this thought every cross anyones - what if it doesn't turn out to the way you want it - would you truly be happy seeing your partner/that person you love with someone else?

The thought of seeing her with someone else kills me - the fact that now she gives this guy a lot more attention and I feel I'll always be second best in any situation even if depsite everyone that comes and goes within in her life... I've always been the one who's stuck through..

[lightwhite]

something very similar happened to me and the best thing u can do trust me is get away from her for a while.

the more u hang out with her and the more u talk to her even if its just as a friend the harder it will be to forget about her.

the other thing is that the current guy shes dating will notice and will not like the fact of u talking to her as much as u do (happened to me) so if u truly want her to b happy, if its true u love her so much and u urself said she is very happy with that guy, then u got to let her go cause u will only be trouble for her relationship, and u will save urself from alot of suffering, and trust me those feeling will not leave that easily, i dont talk much with the girl i told u about and its still hard to see her walking around and kissing with the guy (when i see her), and i am currently sort of seeing some1 but it still kills me when i see them together and its been like 7 months since all this happened.

before i stopped talking to her the pain would be so unbearable i even went to abusing all sorts of drugs, and some nights it would even be hard to sleep just thinking about her and thinking how stupidly i had lost her, thinking of everything i couldve done, and trying to remain friends with the hope of eventually getting her back, i even began to feel dead inside. sometimes when i was at a night club i could be all jacked up on coke or X, but i would sit down smoking a cigarette and having a drink, just thinking about her.

u will suffer alot if u continue to do that, trust me just stop talking to her for a while, get her out of your head, tell her u dont want to ruin her relationship and that u need a little time away from her. mayb then when u start noticeing ur not thinking about her everyday, and after u fall for another girl, u might want to get her friendship back, but only her friendship

[lovesjoyajm]

Definitely with Carl and... whoever it was that agreed with Carl... on this one. Sure Neo, you can definitely effectively play the part of friend to someone you're crazy about, but there's no way you can tell me it's good for your own well-being. I don't know one good reason why anyone should endure it.

[carl1222]

Your story sounds so similar to mine, I know that it can be done. I met somebody at the end of last year, and she profoundly changed my life. I told her how I feel, and she told me that she's already seeing somebody else. So I wrote her a letter on friendship, saying similar things that you have mentioned here, and she accepted that.

I believe that she is my soul mate, our story is so insanely unique, and I know that this is just the beginning. I am extremely happy that she is happy right now, and I believe that we just aren't ready to be together yet. And no matter whether we are, or we are not, I will always love her, and I will always be happy for her, no matter what. That's how I know that it's true love for me.

So it can be done, and I am living proof of it. I am 30 and have never felt like this for anybody, so I know it's real love, and I believe that she will also know it one day! I have always felt selfish about people, my entire life. And she brought out something completely new from me. I have felt so inspired by her, so enthusiastic towards life. I used to have mood swings, my emotions all over the place. Ever since I met her, I have been so stable and I haven't taken a single pill. I have been smiling, day in and day out, she helped me find what I love to do as well. She helped me find my true self, find who I really am. And ever since I met her, and whenever I think about her, even if we are a world away from each other right now, I get a glowing feeling from inside of me, my heart feels so warm, it's insane.

It IS possible, so keep the faith, and be happy for the love that you have found, no matter how it turns out!

This applies to both Anomaly and JJ. I am replying to Anomaly's post because he articulated it so well.

Yes, maintaining a close friendship with someone you continue to love can be very beneficial and fulfilling on a personal level, especially if you have managed to reconcile with the pain of unreturned romantic love (that rarely happens, it certainly hasn't happened for JJ yet, but sometimes it does).

I just wonder what you may be passing up in the future. Wouldn't you want to find true romantic love again, but this time with someone who is able to return it? I also wonder what the effect of maintaining this kind of a relationship has on the possibility of actually finding that. I think it is possible to find true love a second time. An extreme example is when someone you truly love dies.

Another similarity between your situation and JJ's is that you both harbor a hope that things will change in the future. At what point do you have to say "this just isn't going to happen?" What is the wake up call? When she gets engaged and eventually married to someone else?

You both deserve true love, and you found it ... but you also deserve to be loved back.

Carl.

[JJ_3009]

It's one of those sort of situations where I do need to take space - thank you for whoever suggested that. That's really good advice Carl also that when you love someone - you deserve to be loved back and even appreciated whether that be in a friendship or relationship.

I think the hardest thing will be that next year I have to share a flat with her, with a few others but then seeing and hearing what's going on all the time might be something that tips me over. I was going through that same stage of depression - very stupid thoughts - wouldn't recommend it - it really does no good - short term pleasure maybe from forgetting something but the pain just continues...

I haven't spoken to her for a good few days now. It's now getting to a stage where I miss her a lot and haven't really formulated that bond with anyone else -but despite her knowing how I feel, she hasn't really bothered to get in touch with me - maybe to give me my space, or maybe as she's busy with the guy she's seeing.. who knows..

You wonder whether that person misses having you around - I guess I'm coming to the harsh reality that maybe it was more one way than I had actually imagined.

I think in this instance, space is needed, I need to move on before I do myself more damage emotionally - I think it maybe best as I really don't want to ruin her relationship with this guy - theres no point me thinking something will happen in the future -s he had a decision to make this time round and it wasn't me - it's something i have to accept and you're right I could end up losing an opportunity because of it - I guess.. it just hurts