Married and confused. . .

[lost21]

So I have been with my husband for 3 years and married for a little over 2 years. We recently had a miscarriage about 5 months ago (I was almost 5 months pregnant) . . . Ever since we have fell apart. He fights with me about sex every night, we dont have that passion anymore and neither of us are happy! He says that we live like roomates. I dont know if its because of the miscarriage and how traumitizing it was for me or just the fact that Im just not happy anymore. ANy advice??

[lesa]

Have you seeked personal and marriage counseling?

[lost21]

No we havent done anything yet. Its pretty much just been me trying to go through it by myself and he doesnt understand. It even seems like he doesnt care as long as IM having sex with him...

[kate_spencer]

Then I think you should consider counseling.. it will help you understand your situation more, and will help you on how to handle situations like these. And you should both go.. your problems will not be fixed if it's only you who's fixing it.

[lesa]

Desiring sex with the partner is a healthy response. To a couple (especially a man), the relationship is fixable as long as passion or sex is still there. If he desires you sexually during this difficult time then that is a good thing. He is trying to keep the passion and eventually he and you can deal with the other things in the relationship. Trying to fix the issues and ignoring the passion or sex is going to destroy the relationship. I can understand how you feel. You don’t want to fake anything but you no longer wanting him sexually will eventually completely destroy the relationship. If you go to a counselor, one of the first things they ask you when talking about your relationship is how the sex life is. You may not know it now, but your husband IS actually trying to save the relationship. Interestingly, you may be destroying it. What do you want to do?

That's probably difficult to do and that's the reason a counselor is needed.

[Mish]

Lost21, please don't post the same questions in multiple threads

[lost21]

Lost21, please don't post the same questions in multiple threads

I didnt post it in multiple threads.. I asked about the sex and what men thought how I can talk to him about it... I figured a mans advice would be best.....

Thanks!

[lost21]

Desiring sex with the partner is a healthy response. To a couple (especially a man), the relationship is fixable as long as passion or sex is still there. If he desires you sexually during this difficult time then that is a good thing. He is trying to keep the passion and eventually he and you can deal with the other things in the relationship. Trying to fix the issues and ignoring the passion or sex is going to destroy the relationship. I can understand how you feel. You don’t want to fake anything but you no longer wanting him sexually will eventually completely destroy the relationship. If you go to a counselor, one of the first things they ask you when talking about your relationship is how the sex life is. You may not know it now, but your husband IS actually trying to save the relationship. Interestingly, you may be destroying it. What do you want to do?

That's probably difficult to do and that's the reason a counselor is needed.

Im sorry but I am not destroying the relationship on purpose.. I lost a child and it has done something to me that IM trying to get over it. AS far as us, I dont know what I want to do. All I know is I feel alone with the loss of this child . .

[lesa]

This is your husband. You should not feel uncomfortable talking to him, especially in this tragedy. He may not feel the same way as you do and that’s okay. Not everyone respond the exact same to grief and loss. You have to be active; you have to show to your husband your vulnerability and your feelings. He is not going to understand you if you approach him as if this is a debate topic or as if you are blaming him for desiring sex or for him not behaving as you desire. State that you feel very sad about this situation but do NOT discuss how you feel he should or should not behave. Don’t say, “I’m sad about this loss and all you want is sex”. Tell him you are not yourself and you want him to attend counseling with you very soon. You need help, you are very sad, ask him to hold you. Sit there quietly while he holds you. Then, after a few seconds, tell him again that you are very sad and that “we” need to go to counseling together. You want to be yourself again. That’s all you need to do. Do not go into a long debate or discussion. Just say that “we (or you) need to go to a psychologist or maybe a psychiatrist.” He’s your husband; if done properly, he will support you.

[vashti]

Im sorry but I am not destroying the relationship on purpose.. I lost a child and it has done something to me that IM trying to get over it. AS far as us, I dont know what I want to do. All I know is I feel alone with the loss of this child . .

He lost the baby, too. It's not all about you. Sex gives comfort to men, and that is how they connect emotionally. Try not to make him "bad" for wanting to be comforted. Not only has he lost his baby, he is also in danger of losing his wife.

I agree with Lesa that you need to get to counseling as soon as possible.

I'm sorry for your loss (and your husband's too).

[lost21]

Thank you guys for that advice. I really appreciate it. him and I talked a little while ago and I think things may start looking up. You guys are great!!!

[lesa]

I'm so happy that things are looking up for you two. <<<hugs>>>

[JohnFureey]

Wow, Sorry Really Bad....

You should go to the court.