Will therapy bring him back?

[DallasLatin]

Ok, here is my story. It’s pretty long, but interesting!

I started dating this guy back in August and this was my first real relationship since I moved to Dallas (I had been in Dallas a year and never dated anyone). I wanted to take things slow because I really liked him. He was everything I had always looked for in a guy...smart, educated, stable (or at least I thought he was..more later).

We got along great during the 6 months we were dating. We never had any fights. We had a lot in common. We had a blast when we would go out with friends. The only thing I did not like was that he worked a lot. He is in advertising and he worked long hours some nights, but it was not a deal breaker. I still got to see him a couple of nights and usually during the weekend.

So, from August to December things were going great....but in January is where I felt him start to push me away. He became distant. I wanted to take a weekend get away at the end of January and he agreed. So, we took a weekend trip to Austin where he took me canoeing on Town Lake and we had dinner with some of his old friends in Austin (where he used to live and went to UT). Over dinner he told them how great I was and that I was the opposite of all his ex bf's...meaning that I was college educated, smart, and able to take care of myself. Even his friends agreed. They were like "We love him! He is nothing like so and so!"

We get back to Dallas and watch the Superbowl. I didn't get to see him until Thursday night because he was working late. So, we go to dinner Thursday and then we go back to his apt where we watch Grey's Anatomy....then here comes the bomb! "We have to talk.....I think you are an amazing guy. You are everything I have always wanted, but the feeling just isn't there.".....I was devastated. He proceeded to tell me that he's not sure if he is making the biggest mistake of his life....and that his friends are probably going to think he's a dumbass (because they all loved me and thought I was great). I don't even remember most of that night because I was so shocked.

We talked 2 days later. He came over to my place because I still had a ton of questions. He told me that when I left that night that he fell to the ground crying and calls his mom crying and she suggested he go back to seeing his therapist. I knew that he had seen a therapist a year ago or so but it was all work related because his job is very stressful. And he takes depression medication. He told me that he was going to call a therapist on Monday to set up an appointment and he keeps thinking about some of his friends who have broken up and gotten back together and wondering if that could happen.

Fast forward a bit….I ended up taking him off my facebook on February 14th because I could not handle seeing him updating his status and pics of him out with his friends having fun. It looked like he wasn’t hurting at all. I sent him one last email on Valentines Day explaining why I took him off Facebook. That I needed time to get passed all this. I told him that I know we can be friends in the future but that I need time away from him altogether. He wrote back saying that he understood why I was taking him off from facebook and that we probably aren’t ready to see each other having fun. He said he never meant to hurt me by updating his status. He said he was having fun for the first time that week and he wrote it down to help him move on and to let others know he was okay because they keep asking him. He said he has not moved on and that he has to get out of the house or he will slip back into a depression.

I haven’t talked to him in almost 2 weeks. He told me his first therapy session was on February 16th, but I haven’t contacted him since Valentines Day and that was thru email. It has been 3 weeks today since he broke up with me….those first 2 weeks were hell. I could not sleep and I could not eat. I thought I was going to die and I would cry. I had to close my door at work sometimes or go to the bathroom. It was hell. The last week has been a lot easier. And I think it’s because I have cut off all contact with him. I joined a gay volleyball league last week to get my mind off things and to meet new friends so that has helped.

I don’t have the pain in my stomach anymore, but I do miss him so bad. I still think about him everyday. I know deep down that he ran from the relationship because he was scared of where it was going and he’s never had a bf treat him as good as I did. Hell, his birthday was January 8th and I prepared a whole dinner for him…I even took off from work early to prepare that.

My question is….what if he comes back? Will he ever come back? Will the therapy sessions help him to realize what has happened? I know it was only a 6 month relationship but it was a very good one. No fights. I see people going out for years and years and they argue all the time, yet here I am with a guy and we get along great and he runs away to a therapist?

I am moving on little by little but a part of me is still waiting for him.

[carl1222]

Getting along great is a very important part of any relationship, but for a romantic relationship to ever succeed, you also need a spark, chemistry, passion. So the answer to your question depends on the truth of his statement "I think you are an amazing guy. You are everything I have always wanted, but the feeling just isn't there."

There are many things you can fix in a relationship but failure of attraction isn't one of them. If you try, it's just going to come up to bite you eventually. No matter how compatible you are, no matter how perfect you are, you can't be together because some day he will meet someone for whom he DOES feel that spark, and all hell will break loose.

It's unlikely he will come back. People usually come back to failed relationships because attraction and fond memories make them forget all the other problems over time. That isn't the case here. Sorry.

Good luck.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

I doubt the therapy sessions are going to bring him back. I would imagine that the medication he's on is making it difficult for him to experience strong emotions on either end of the spectrum and I doubt his therapist is going to pull him off of those.

I'm glad you're making progress and getting back out there. Volleyball is a great idea. I'm sorry your relationship tanked. just keep in mind that most relationships do, eventually, end and that you were fortunate to have something as clean and straightforward as this breakup. He respected you enough to end it.

If, by chance, he does come back, you should protect yourself. Limit your investment. He's not likely to pay off.

[DallasLatin]

Getting along great is a very important part of any relationship, but for a romantic relationship to ever succeed, you also need a spark, chemistry, passion. So the answer to your question depends on the truth of his statement "I think you are an amazing guy. You are everything I have always wanted, but the feeling just isn't there."

There are many things you can fix in a relationship but failure of attraction isn't one of them. If you try, it's just going to come up to bite you eventually. No matter how compatible you are, no matter how perfect you are, you can't be together because some day he will meet someone for whom he DOES feel that spark, and all hell will break loose.

It's unlikely he will come back. People usually come back to failed relationships because attraction and fond memories make them forget all the other problems over time. That isn't the case here. Sorry.

Good luck.

Carl.

Yeah, I understand what you are saying. There are just so many things that are difficult to understand. I may never find the answers.

When I first met him he wasn't my type at all. I never planned to date him...but I took a chance and I ended up falling for him as a person. And when that happened I became very attracted to him and I would think about him all the time...when I woke up, before bed, etc.

He could never give me a clear answer on why.
I asked him if it was because he wasn't attracted to me and he said he was very attracted to me which is why he doesn't understand whats going on with him.

I honestly believe he ran away from the relationships based on past failures and tried to protect himself before he got hurt or he assumed he was going to get hurt so he broke it off before that happened. None of his relationships have been longer than 6 months and that is just kind of odd to me. He told me that before he used to want to be with me all the time and couldn't wait to see me for dinner and to hang out with me....I told him I could feel him pushing me away in January and he even said he could tell he was pushing away.

This all just sucks. I thought I had finally found the perfect guy after 9 years of dating. Why did I have to find a guy with mental disorders?

I know I will be okay. It just takes time.

[DallasLatin]

I doubt the therapy sessions are going to bring him back. I would imagine that the medication he's on is making it difficult for him to experience strong emotions on either end of the spectrum and I doubt his therapist is going to pull him off of those.

I'm glad you're making progress and getting back out there. Volleyball is a great idea. I'm sorry your relationship tanked. just keep in mind that most relationships do, eventually, end and that you were fortunate to have something as clean and straightforward as this breakup. He respected you enough to end it.

If, by chance, he does come back, you should protect yourself. Limit your investment. He's not likely to pay off.

Yeah, I think that is probably the only reason that I know we could eventually become good friends and he's told me that he wants to remain friends because we got along great and his friends still all love me. He was man enough to end it face to face. I've been reading so many stories online with people getting dumped in the worse ways. I told him that I respected him for doing it the way he did it. But that was 2 weeks ago. I'm keeping my distance until I'm 100% over him.

He hasn't bad mouth me at all to his friends that I know. One of his co workers text me soon after saying how she was sorry things didn't work out and that I was a great guy and that I would find someone great and how she felt it was just bad timing. Then his neighbor sent me a facebook message the other night asking how I was doing even though I deleted him and all his friends from my facebook for now. I think his friends miss me more than he does LOL

I'm avoiding him for now because I don't want to see him with someone else and I only hope he's not dumb enough to start dating someone else when he just started therapy.

I know this sounds mean but sometimes when I feel down I just tell myself that I'm not the one on depression medication and seeing a therapist. This is actually one of the few times the whole "its not you, its me" line was actually true.

I have volleyball practice tonight to keep my mind off things.
That has helped because the guys on the teams are really friendly and make me laugh even when I feel like crap and they have no idea whats going on.

[Gigabitch]

Dude! Why don't they have any idea what's going on? What better way to let it be known to a large pool of nice 'mos that you're on the market?

[DallasLatin]

Dude! Why don't they have any idea what's going on? What better way to let it be known to a large pool of nice 'mos that you're on the market?

Yeah, you're right. They are having a party Saturday night at one of the members homes. There will probably be 40+ people there. I will mingle and see what I can find lol

Thanks for the help! I feel better each day.

[DallasLatin]

UPDATE:

Ok, I cut off contact with this guy almost a month ago. I didn't call, text, email, NOTHING.

Then I wake up Sunday morning and I have this email from one of his friends. I wanted to see what some of you think of this.

--------------------------------------------------

Just wanted to say "Hi" and see how you're doing.

Not much new on my end. Would you believe I got sick and was in the hospital, AGAIN! I was on a business trip in Albuquerque, NM and got sick there. I'll just say that the medical services there do not compare to what is available in the metroplex.

"Ex" is still trying to filter through his own baggage. I know he misses you, and feels terrible that he hurt you. I just hope that you understand it was not intentional. I've known him forever, and before he can truly give his heart he has to make things right with himself.

Well, toodles for now. Hope all is well. Drop a line if you ever want to chat or hang out. XXX-XXX-XXXX

[Gigabitch]

Do you think he's trying to make a move on you or that The Ex asked him to check on you?

[DallasLatin]

Do you think he's trying to make a move on you or that The Ex asked him to check on you?

This is a female friend of his so nothing would be there.

I'm thinking that he's trying to reach out and got her to do this for him.

[Gigabitch]

Bastard. Doesn't he know this is hard enough for you without him poking at you like that? IMO, until he's ready to call you himself, he should let you be.

[DallasLatin]

Bastard. Doesn't he know this is hard enough for you without him poking at you like that? IMO, until he's ready to call you himself, he should let you be.

My thoughts exactly. If he wants to talk to me he has all my numbers and he even knows where I live.

It just seems like he's trying to inch his way back into my life and he got this girl friend of his to email me.