Need a little advice & comfort

[chillingsr]

My ex-girlfriend and I had been dating for about 4 1/2 years. Just a little background information; when we met I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore. I am now a college graduate and she is in her junior year of college (We both went to the same college). We hit it off great and we were inseparable. During our relationship we had our little tiffs but no breakups and everything seemed great. We had talks of moving out together and someday having a future together. For the last 3 years she has basically lived at my house and become part of the family. My parents were always buying her things and giving her the same things as me. Supposedly she loved everything about me and my family. Well here is the bad part: About 6 weeks ago one night she decides that she needs space. I wasn't sure what exactly that meant but we talked and it ended up meaning breaking up. I did not see this coming at all, especially since our relationship at the time was getting better. The girl has never did me wrong if 4 1/2 years. We knew absolutely everything about each other and she always seemed really happy. There was always trust in the relationship. She was able to go out and do her own things with her friends and the same for me. Never any issues of "where are you, who you with, what you doing". Well at first I was heart broken and tried anything to get back together. During the first 2 weeks whenever we saw each other she was still the same around me (hugging, kissing, etc..) Then we went about a week without seeing or talking and when we met she told me she really missed being with me. Well 2 weeks of talking and then not talking went on until her birthday which was 4 days ago. The day before her birthday I just got a nice card and left it on her car. On her birthday she called me and thanked me for the card and it seemed like things were getting better, so I asked her if she just wanted to go out to dinner for her birthday. She said "Sure, sounds okay to me". Well a few hours go by and just when I was supposed to go and pick her up, my phone rings and she says that she doesn't think it would be a good idea to go out to dinner. Well I got mad and we got into argument. She said that even if we got back together right now things wouldn't be the same. It brought back all the memories again and after the argument I felt even worse than I did when we first broke up. It is really hard because we are both from the same small town and periodically I will see her even if I don't mean to. It seems as if she is taking this so easy and I think that I might have truly lost her. She has told me many times though that she still loves me and that there is no one else. She says she just needs some time and space to be alone and hang out with her friends. So 2 days ago she called and I told her that I couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't fair to myself to be feeling the way I was. I told her that it would be way to hard to be friends right now and I told her that I didn't think we should talk or see each other anymore. Just wondering what I should be thinking right now and if you think we have a chance to work this out?

[Soccer2928]

My ex-girlfriend and I had been dating for about 4 1/2 years. Just a little background information; when we met I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore. I am now a college graduate and she is in her junior year of college (We both went to the same college). We hit it off great and we were inseparable. During our relationship we had our little tiffs but no breakups and everything seemed great. We had talks of moving out together and someday having a future together. For the last 3 years she has basically lived at my house and become part of the family. My parents were always buying her things and giving her the same things as me. Supposedly she loved everything about me and my family. Well here is the bad part: About 6 weeks ago one night she decides that she needs space. I wasn't sure what exactly that meant but we talked and it ended up meaning breaking up. I did not see this coming at all, especially since our relationship at the time was getting better. The girl has never did me wrong if 4 1/2 years. We knew absolutely everything about each other and she always seemed really happy. There was always trust in the relationship. She was able to go out and do her own things with her friends and the same for me. Never any issues of "where are you, who you with, what you doing". Well at first I was heart broken and tried anything to get back together. During the first 2 weeks whenever we saw each other she was still the same around me (hugging, kissing, etc..) Then we went about a week without seeing or talking and when we met she told me she really missed being with me. Well 2 weeks of talking and then not talking went on until her birthday which was 4 days ago. The day before her birthday I just got a nice card and left it on her car. On her birthday she called me and thanked me for the card and it seemed like things were getting better, so I asked her if she just wanted to go out to dinner for her birthday. She said "Sure, sounds okay to me". Well a few hours go by and just when I was supposed to go and pick her up, my phone rings and she says that she doesn't think it would be a good idea to go out to dinner. Well I got mad and we got into argument. She said that even if we got back together right now things wouldn't be the same. It brought back all the memories again and after the argument I felt even worse than I did when we first broke up. It is really hard because we are both from the same small town and periodically I will see her even if I don't mean to. It seems as if she is taking this so easy and I think that I might have truly lost her. She has told me many times though that she still loves me and that there is no one else. She says she just needs some time and space to be alone and hang out with her friends. So 2 days ago she called and I told her that I couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't fair to myself to be feeling the way I was. I told her that it would be way to hard to be friends right now and I told her that I didn't think we should talk or see each other anymore. Just wondering what I should be thinking right now and if you think we have a chance to work this out?

Hey there. It seems like there are many similar situations on this message borad, and mine is very similar to yours (see the "Will her feelings ever come back?" thread; there is a lot of good advice in it). I know exactly how you feel right now. My ex and I were together for 3 years, and we have been broken up for about 3 months. The first 2 months for me were killer, and I made all of the wrong moves. I begged her to come back to me, and this always ended in arguments, and it pushed her away from me. For those 2 months it seemed like my ex didn't care, and like you mentioned, it seemed like it was so easy for her to handle. When I finally told her I was moving on and that I wanted us to be friends, then things began to happen. We aren't together right now, but things have been so much better for us. I kept my distance from her, and she has since been the one to always initiate conversation now. I can talk to her without bringing up us being together, and we are able to have great conversations without any arguments. I feel like it will only be a matter of time before something good will happen, and I am extremely hopeful that things will work out between us. My advice to you is to do exactly as she asks, give her the space that she needs. I'm not going to lie; it is going to be really hard but leave her alone and don't talk to her or contact her in anyway. She will begin to miss you, and when she does begin talking to you again, talk to her as a friend, and don't bring up any of your hurt feelings or the things of the past. Try your hardest to be there for her as a friend, and let her know that you still care about her. It sounds like she really does still love you and care about you, and she is probably just confused about what she wants right now. But if you beg her to come back, like I did, then you will push her away. Just keep a level head, as hard as it might be, and do things that will keep your mind off of her. If you don't make any of the mistakes that I did, then you have a great chance of getting her back. Good luck with everything.

[RogerPodacter]

well you should read Soccer's post like he said, and then take a look at mine as well. I was with my girl for 6 years. We became friends during our senior year in high school, and both went to Penn State together. We did it all, vacations, family, holidays, living together talk, even marriage.

Then she suddenly wants time apart to figure out her life, but she insisted she still had the same feelings for me and we would eventually get back together. However within a week of our break she started hooking up with some dude. I did everything wrong and pushed her away further, probably for good. She had no intentions of being with this guy seriously, it was just a fling. But 5 months later this guy now practically lives with her. I was an absolute devestated, pathetic mess. Couldnt eat or sleep. It was way too f*cking easy for her, and she acted as if nothing happened at all, like she didnt just leave a 6 year relationship and jump right into another one.

I'll post more advice later, but DONT act hurt or bring up you guys and what will happen when you talk to her. Try and act confident (even if you're pretending), like you are almost better off without her, but do it without being TOO distant and aloof. Pretend to have fun with friends, go out, even date (if you can, i couldnt even think about anyone else for 4 months). Trust me, i never thought in a million years that me and my girl could be over for good, and all her friends and family thought that i had nothing to worry about with this other dude. But i definitely did alot of the wrong things to make a girl want you, or want you back, and i pushed her away. This other guy acted like he would be fine without her, and i acted like the weaker person. so she really is moving on with someone else. Not saying your situation is the same, but just be wary and keep your gaurd up, cause you never know and there might be someone else. I'll post more later when i can...

[chillingsr]

Thanks for the replies and advice. Update: Well today it has been about a week or so without contact of any sort. I saw a missed call from her yesterday so today I call her and she won't answer my call. For some reason she keeps hanging up. Well I am like WTF, all I was doing was just trying to say hello. Finally after about 8 hours she phones me back and I am just nicely talking to her about what she had been doing this past week and what not. We decide to meet and we meet for like 20 minutes and nothing good comes out of it what so ever. I just tell her that I love her and that is hard for me but I am getting better and doing my best. She just reassured me that it is her decision and she knows what she is giving up. She wants to be with her friends and be able to be spontaneous. I just pretty much took this as there is no future for us together what so ever. She seems so happy to be without me and I am a total wreck. I have just pretty much given up and as hard as it is for me I am going to move on. She says this is something she has to do and she doesn't know what she wants in life but it is her decision to find out. I think at the beginning I just pushed her away and as hard as it is for me to believe this has happened, I am going to move on and try to forget about her.

[RogerPodacter]

Thanks for the replies and advice. Update: Well today it has been about a week or so without contact of any sort. I saw a missed call from her yesterday so today I call her and she won't answer my call. For some reason she keeps hanging up. Well I am like WTF, all I was doing was just trying to say hello. Finally after about 8 hours she phones me back and I am just nicely talking to her about what she had been doing this past week and what not. We decide to meet and we meet for like 20 minutes and nothing good comes out of it what so ever. I just tell her that I love her and that is hard for me but I am getting better and doing my best. She just reassured me that it is her decision and she knows what she is giving up. She wants to be with her friends and be able to be spontaneous. I just pretty much took this as there is no future for us together what so ever. She seems so happy to be without me and I am a total wreck. I have just pretty much given up and as hard as it is for me I am going to move on. She says this is something she has to do and she doesn't know what she wants in life but it is her decision to find out. I think at the beginning I just pushed her away and as hard as it is for me to believe this has happened, I am going to move on and try to forget about her.

"I'm unhappy and I don't know what I want in my life, but I need to try and find out" <---Damn that line has got to be the worst thing to hear from a girl that you love and want to be with. How the hell can they just pull a 180 and just turn off their feelings like that? Especially after being together for so long. Anyway, I did all the same things that you did to try and get her back, and every single time we fought and it made things worse. She just didnt want to let me in. Went to dinner on my birthday but just ended up getting in a huge fight. I remember saying how hard it was for me dealing with everything and that i was worried about what's gonna happen in the future. It makes me cringe now when i look back knowing what i shouldnt have done, but i couldnt help it at the time. She just wouldnt let me in, and everything i did or said only made things worse.

Perfect example. We saw each other a month ago and she told me she was thinking about ending it with the guy she started seeing immediately after our break-up. Apparently he's too needy and stays at her place every night. So I told her that i still love her and miss her and all that stuff. Not even a week goes by and the next time i talk to her she decides not to end it and wants to move on for good with that dude. I made it too easy for her by letting her know that i was right there.

Even though it sucks really, really bad, you're doing the best thing by trying to move on and forget about her (or at least act like you're doing that). Because if there is even the slightest chance of getting her back, that's the ONLY way for it to happen. At first I couldnt even think about moving on from my ex, let alone actually doing it. I just couldn't believe what was happening with the girl i have been so close to for all that time. Not saying this is the case, but dont neglect the possibility that she's intersted in someone else. My girl convincingly denied this to me, even though there really was this other guy. She was trying to spare my feelings. I think that if the girl doesnt want to be with you anymore, its because she wants to be with someone else (or is thinking about it). Just my opinion and experience...

[chillingsr]

Well I posted about my bad day 3 weeks ago. Since then I completely cut contact with her. I am feeling better each day and getting shit done in my life that I need to get done. Everything was getting better until this past sunday. I saw a mutual friend and they told me that 3 weeks ago they saw her at her job (she works a bar). When they got to the bar, they asked if she was working and the other waitress says which one of you is "(my name) or Chris". They were like Chris who? They said neither, we just know her, is she working? Well they told me this and then I put two and two together. Chris is an older guy who lives on her road during the summer because she lives right on the local lake. They have known each other for years and right before we broke up she said that she was going to pay him to teach her how to wakeboard and stuff like that. Also when we broke up she was spending a lot of time at home which she never liked to do for 4 1/2 years. She wasn't at her house but she was probably at that guys house because he lives 2 houses down. So I tried to just look past this but I couldn't. I felt confident to call her just to see how she has been and just to find out if it was true or not. I was going to make the conversation short and sweet and act like it didn't bother me. So I call her and it goes right to her voicemail. So I figured her phone was off. I call her again a few hours later and same thing but it rang 3 times and then voicemail. She hit the button on her phone to transfer me right to voicemail. I leave a nice simple message "Hey whats going on? I'm doing good, just wanted to say hi, if you want you can call me back". Well I haven't heard back from her yet and 2 other mutual friends are not able to get in contact with her either. It's like she disappeared. I haven't talked to her in 3 weeks and our 2 mutual friends haven't either. It's like she just dropped off the face of the earth. Usually I would at least see her driving because we both live in a small town, and she only lives like 5 minutes from my house. I know I shouldn't care what she is doing, but I would just like to know if she really just needed time and space or if she was leaving me for another guy this whole time. Also, was she seeing this guy before we broke up or is this guy thing just a rumor and it is not true. She has never acted like this or shown signs of this type of behavior during our 4 1/2 years together. First 3 weeks of the breakup weren't like this either (she still hugged and kissed me saying there was no one else, she just needed time), but the last 5 weeks have been totally different. I had hopes of maybe a future with us, thinking she just needed some time away. I had the hopes because I met this girl when she was 16 and ever since then we just clicked and we grew so close to each other and it seemed we were inseparable. I was her first serious boyfriend and she was pretty much my second serious girlfriend. Not a day would go by without us talking to each other or seeing each other. So what I figured is that she just needed some time to get away, hang out with her friends, have some good times and we would maybe have a future together. Now we are here today in this f*cked up situation. This whole recent situation has made me think otherwise and not answering or returning my calls tells me that she doesn't care about me, never has, and never will. I've been strong and I will continue to be. She doesn't deserve me and I know in the future she will not meet a guy that will treat her like I did and do the things for her that I did. Just needed to vent and she what you guys had to say about my situation.

[RogerPodacter]

Man i'm sorry, it sucks knowing that. So how long has it been since you guys officially broke up? I had a feeling someone else was in the picture. I'm telling you its always the case when a girl wants a break; she's got someone else in mind. Same thing happened with me (which i'm sure you've read by now), except now my girls is basically living with this new guy. All i can say is just let her do her own thing. Not much else you can do really. And it doesnt look good that she isnt even answering the phone or returning calls. Like you've been doing already, I'd continue to give her the cold shoulder. Have the attitude like she cant have both, meaning having you in her life but her being with someone else. I cant say that it'll make her see things differently though. Once they make that decision its pretty much too late, IMO...

[chillingsr]

Its been about 2 months since we officially broke up. About a month with no or limited contact. I am not going to contact her and if she tries to contact me then I am not going to answer her. I am just going to turn my back on her and start living my life. I have a lot going for me and she doesn't have to much. She did when she was with me but not anymore. Her loss.

[chillingsr]

Well my ex contacted me 2 days in row and tonight she called me like 4 times and left 2 messages. Well it is really weird because I was actually on my way to meet my friends and some new girl tonight. I didn't know exactly what to do because she left 2 messages begging me to call her. Well I talked to my friends and they said just call her what do you got to lose. So I called her and she sounded incredibly happy to hear from me. She said that she really wanted to see me. I said I was at the bar and I couldn't see her. She got really upset and begged me to see her. She said she would be in town in 30 minutes and she would wait for me. I said I am not sure if I will be in town. Well after about an hour I decided to meet her. She seemed so happy to see me. She was hugging me and kissing me non-stop, saying how much she missed me. Well we talked about what we had been doing for the past 2 months and she admitted that she hung out with some guy but her turned out to be a horrible person and she had just been hanging out with her friends. She said that she really missed me and she has been crying. I told her it was good to see her but I couldn't see her or talk to her ever again. She got a new cell phone and wanted to give me her number but I declined. I just told her that it was not fair to me for us to be friends. I told her that I am okay now but in the back of my mind I still think about her. She said that she thinks about me all the time and today at work she heard a song that reminded her of me and she started to cry. She seems like the person I knew when we were dating. I made it quick and I left telling her that it was good to see her but that I couldn't keep in contact with her. She did not seem very happy about this and I just left her there wanting more. Just wondering where I should go from now. Any advice would be great. Thanks in advance.

[cbee]

To be honest, I think you have done the right thing. It may be harsh but as soon as she can see that she can do this, break up and you'll take her back, the relationship becomes unhealthy anyway. I sort of did this with my ex and although we sorted it out after a while it wasn't very healthy.

She's going through what you went through when you split up, she had the rosy glow of a new relationship. You've got through it, so will she (and so will I hopefully!) but you have to do what's best for you.

[Kermy]

Blah, after reading the initial post by chillingsr and half of Soccer2928's reply I got lazy reading the rest because they were SO damn long. So forgive me if I say something that somebody may have already said.

Girls can be strange sometimes can't they? I guess that's why the say men are from Mars and girls are from Venus. Seeing how you have kind of kept in touch with her AFTER the break up. I am very curious to know if you have actually confronted her about the "real" reason behind her motives. I mean honestly, if she was happy and like you said she was able to do her own things like go out with her friends...etc then it's not a legitimet reason to say she needs her own "space" because from the sounds of it she does have her own "space" already.

Could it be something that you may have forgotten or intentionally left out? I'm sorry if I may seem a little intrusive, but I just figure that the scenario you've given us is a little too perfect. There's got to be SOMETHING, this story is lacking something. Was there ANYTHING at all that you can think of that may have broke the camel's back? May it be something small and you thought nothing of it but she may have thought it as a total insult? Could it have been something from the past?

I'll give you an example, when my ex and I broke up it was over ****ING CHEESE. OMG it's ****ing retarded. When we were grocery shopping, she was feening (sp?) for some cheese and so she went to the cheese section and looked at all the different kinds. She picked up this one type which were hella expensive and she had never tried before. I think they were like $17 for 10 pieces or something? I saw this other kind that I had LOVED that I ate growing up and I told her that that other kind was awesome. So she took the one I suggested instead. Now it just so happens that the kind I had suggested was cheaper and had more pieces compared to the dollar ratio. While we were driving back, we had THE TALK. Out of the sudden she wanted to break up. And afterwards when all was said and done, I finally got it out of her that it was because of the cheese. That was what broke the camel's back in my case. It was tiny things like that I had always done to her, she felt I was too controlling...She could no longer take it. Can you believe it? OVER CHEESE. And the thing is, we had gone over this problem and I had honestly tried my VERY best to tone it down and I thought I was doing a great job too. Well I guess it wasn't good enough.

So back to the main subject, think hard dude. ANYTHING at all that may have caused her to want to have her own "space"? Because from the sounds of it so far it's just a kind excuse without trying to hurt your feelings. But if you don't find out what your mistake was then how will you ever try to improve or work on this flaw right? Nobody is perfect but there is always room for improvement. If you ever get the chance, try to talk to her about it. Or if you can ever think of anything I would honestly be very interested to know what the reason behind it is. I personally believe there is ALWAYS a reason behind somebody's actions no matter how weird/awkward it may be. ALWAYS. We just have to put ourselves into the other person's shoe and it will all make sense.

[derek]

imho, u should tell her that " i'll be right here waiting"!
it works

[blue]

i am that girl that you just broke up with. and it was a difficult desision for me. i do miss him alot. i missed him yestrday alot too, BUT right now i feel like i need to be on my own. i dont know anything right now and i needed to brake up with him because i was unsure and i kept going back and forth like mentioned above and its not fair to him. i am alright with it but its hard cuz i keep thinking what if i made the wrong decision...... he is a great guy. the last thing he said to me was i hope that you are happy, he asked me if i wanted him to wait and i told him no i that i wnated him to move on. so confused right now not sure weather im coming or going. i know that all things happen for a reason.

[luvtif]

wow-chillingsr, that must have been really hard. You did the right thing cause I can also relate to your ex. She wants her freedom, but she also thinks you'll be there when she's ready to settle down again. That is not fair to you so don't do it. Stay strong cause you can't give into her. Whoever said earlier about how if she knows you'll take her back, the relationship is unhealthy is right. My bf and I have fallen into this vicious cycle of "breaking up" and getting back together and i hate it.