I've finally figured it out

[lovesjoyajm]

Why I take forever to get over people, that is. At least one reason. It's because I'm so terribly insecure and unsure about the prospect of ever finding someone who wants to be with me - since I never have. Other than the occasional random guy 20 years older than me (I can't seem to legitimately attract guys younger than 40) no guy I've been even remotely interested in has actually given me a chance in a relationship. 23, no boyfriends, ever. So every ****ed-up chance hits me really hard. I can't just "chalk it up" and wait for the next in a non-existent line of admirers.

Unfortunately, knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

[misombra]

somebody will find you my dear. no need to be insecure or give yourself totally to somebody who doesn't reciprocate or somebody you're not that into. you're young and have a lot more experiences ahead of you than behind.

[Anomaly]

Your problem sounds so much like mine, except from a guys side. I have been insecure for most of my life, and I've been in maybe 2 relationships that were fairly short. And it always seemed that women way older than me, were the only ones who showed at least some interest in getting to know me for me. But with women my age, its always been a major problem.

But just recently, at about the start of this year, I've been learning to be more confident with myself and who I am. And ever since then, I've noticed that women around my age have started to look at me differently. It feels like suddenly, somebody out there may be interested in me. So just hang in there, and try to be more confident with yourself, and the right person will most definitely come along. Both of us sound like we just need to work on our patience a little more.

I wish you the best of luck, you seem like a really sweet girl. And you will eventually meet somebody who is right for you, just hang in there!

[Mish]

I find it incredibly hard to believe that you are 23 and never had boyfriend. If dating is all about numbers, some lucky guy will be sweeping you off your feet very soon. You are a good catch, very attractive, honest, sincere, interesting.

Don't give up.

[lovesjoyajm]

I find it incredibly hard to believe that you are 23 and never had boyfriend. If dating is all about numbers, some lucky guy will be sweeping you off your feet very soon. You are a good catch, very attractive, honest, sincere, interesting.

Don't give up.

Thanks Mish.

This is the thing that always makes me question "what's wrong with me?" How many 23-year-olds do you know that have never had a boyfriend? It's not like dating is just for the elite. My 16-year-old cousin has a boyfriend. My friends. People I can't stand. Everyone finds boyfriends/girlfriends. Just not me.

I'm sorry to sound incredibly whiny. It's just... ok, I'm just whining.

[Mish]

Thanks Mish.

This is the thing that always makes me question "what's wrong with me?"

Most likely it's nothing wrong with you. Though, it's always good to sharpen your social skills, become more sociable, develop conversation techniques and meet new people.

Don't blame it on yourself. If you haven't had a boyfriend yet it must be for a reason, most likely none were good enough (yet). It's better to be by yourself than with wrong people.

Give it more time, I have a good feeling you'll find someone right for you.

[vashti]

You strike me as a relatively serious girl. I'm not sure if this is the impression you give people in person, though. What do you think? Is it possible you come across as "heavier" than you should? What are some of your hobbies?

[carl1222]

You strike me as a relatively serious girl. I'm not sure if this is the impression you give people in person, though. What do you think? Is it possible you come across as "heavier" than you should? What are some of your hobbies?

Lovesjoy IS a serious and complex girl, so I wouldn't advise her to lighten up or dumb down just to attract a guy ... the boyfriend she needs is serious and complex too, so he's far more rare and therefore much harder to find ... but worth it.

Lovesjoy, your ultimate goal is to find someone you can and want to spend your life with, not to just have a boyfriend ... any bimbo airhead can find a boyfriend, even your 16 year old cousin!

It doesn't surprise me a bit that you attract older men, many of the young 'uns are just looking for a good time and a piece of a**, not a woman of some quality and substance. But there are some good ones out there near your age ... just keep looking through the haystack for your needle.

Carl.

[vashti]

Who said anything about dumbing down? Lightening up doesn't make one stupid. I know lots of people who can manage to be smart, serious, AND have a bit of fun now and then.

Anyway, I'm not even sure that's the problem. I've "known" this girl for years - she's not dour by any stretch of the imagination.

[LuckySeven]

Lovesjoy IS a serious and complex girl, so I wouldn't advise her to lighten up or dumb down just to attract a guy ... the boyfriend she needs is serious and complex too, so he's far more rare and therefore much harder to find ... but worth it.

Lovesjoy, your ultimate goal is to find someone you can and want to spend your life with, not to just have a boyfriend ... any bimbo airhead can find a boyfriend, even your 16 year old cousin!

It doesn't surprise me a bit that you attract older men, many of the young 'uns are just looking for a good time and a piece of a**, not a woman of some quality and substance. But there are some good ones out there near your age ... just keep looking through the haystack for your needle.

Carl.

I agree with this.

I'm one of those people as well who hasn't had a girlfriend yet at age 19 (which isn't too bad.. yet), and yeah, I get very insecure about it sometimes. But then I compare myself to other guys and the truth is, I'm more serious about it then they are. I'm not looking to have fun and get laid. I'm not looking for quantity. I'm looking for quality. I'm looking for someone I can have a very close, supporting, comfortable relationship with, someone who fits my personality nicely and all that. If I wanted to, I could probably find a "girlfriend" and have fun. But I don't want that, as that kind of relationship isn't worth it in my book. It wouldn't really be one to me.

I suppose, especially with the younger people, who are more often than not wanting just to be flirty and have fun, the serious people who are looking for something more profound have trouble... but you aren't the only one who is like that. There are other serious and complex girls and guys out there with the same thing. And (I believe) finding them makes the wait more than worthwhile.

Of course, I'm in the same boat. This is just the conclusions i'm making from thinking about the situation. I believe its pretty accurate... after all, carl's post essentially said all that I just said and worded it better.

Best of luck to ya

[carl1222]

Who said anything about dumbing down? Lightening up doesn't make one stupid. I know lots of people who can manage to be smart, serious, AND have a bit of fun now and then.

Anyway, I'm not even sure that's the problem. I've "known" this girl for years - she's not dour by any stretch of the imagination.

I can only respond to what Lovesjoy says, Vashti. She doesn't strike me as dour either ... far from it, but just not into the "girls just want to have fu-un" scene.

Carl.

[vashti]

A person need not be 100% one way or the other. The key to EVERYTHING is balance.

I'm not sure why anyone would object to asking her to do an honest self-evaluation.

[lovesjoyajm]

Actually, I do see myself as too serious sometimes. Even when I'm trying to ask someone a light-hearted question it can come across as sounding like... a serious question. I think if you asked my flatmate (whom I've only known for about 4 months) if he thought I was "too serious", he'd say absolutely. I need to work on that - but it's sort of funny, I feel like concentrating on it too much will probably have a negative effect. "Ok. Need to have more fun."

Hobbies... playing guitar, reading, hiking, and when that's not available, wandering around. Oh, and traveling. Does that help you figure me out? Tell me, O Great Ones...

[Lipp]

Completely inappropriate, but still



Liven' up, talk alot, sod the haters and don't think it means that you have to go crazy. It's a good life, oh yes, I feel sorry for a housemate of mine who's being way too serious as well :/

I bet that guys generally tend to like girls who are easygoing and filled with joy (rather than girls who fall for mysterious unsmiling bastards or something )

[vashti]

Actually, I do see myself as too serious sometimes. Even when I'm trying to ask someone a light-hearted question it can come across as sounding like... a serious question. I think if you asked my flatmate (whom I've only known for about 4 months) if he thought I was "too serious", he'd say absolutely. I need to work on that - but it's sort of funny, I feel like concentrating on it too much will probably have a negative effect. "Ok. Need to have more fun."

I tend to be a little bit the same way because I am on the shy side. Are you shy, too or maybe your seriousness can be explained solely by your anxiety about not having had a boyfriend?

I think your hobbies are good. Maybe when you get home you can try something out that is more interactive though, and perhaps a bit more physical? (The hiking is good - maybe you can look for some sort of hiking club, but I'm not sure about the age/gender demographics that would appeal to.)