long distance relationship, very long distance. advice please :)

[UKtom]

hey to everyone who has bothered to read this thread but it's very important to me. i could really do with some solid good advice, maybe by someone who has experience in this subject.

basically by complete accident i met a girl 2 years ago on the internet. she is from italy and we got talking that day. i thought nothing more of it apart from that she was easy to talk to and we got on... i mean she was only someone i had met on the net right... anyway we spoke again after that and we got on even more. it was innocent and neither of us were out looking for someone. i am not that desperate and i know she wasn't lol. after about a month or so we were talking quite often, we exchanged numbers and we realised how compatable on a communicational basis. i felt like i could speak to her about anything, that we were comfortable talking together for hours at a time. it was weird because i had only known her for sometime.

as time went on, we grew more and more to like each other and to know each other. we spoke every day, emailed and txt all the time, spoke on the phone, spoke on an internet chat site. it got to the point where we would speak for maybe 8 hours a day sometimes. at this point i was infatuated with her, she was perfect personality wise. i consider her as my soul mate. it sounds maybe stupid to some of you but i know it. i have been in long relationships in the past in reality, but the 2 years i have spent with her have been better than any of them and i have not even met her yet. i love her physically aswel, she has something unique and sensual. there is only one of her in the world and i know she is the one. i also know this because being a guy, and guys will know what i am saying here, i have not slept with, kissed or been with anothe girl or desired to in the time i have had these strong feelings for her. i do not care of other girls, i only see her in my eyes. it is maybe crucial to say here that in 2 years we have tried to meet but it has failed twice due to money etc.

anyway everything sounds so rosey and perfect right. well the problem is that within all of this i have MAJOR trust issues as she is so far away and i am kind of that way anyway. it got to the point that if she made a compliment i would question it, i would study everything. i KNOW that we are soul mates and that we would be amazing together in reality. i would spend my life with this woman and she feels the same. this distance is killing us though. it is causing so many problems now after 2 years that it is creating torment, pain, depression and the feeling of no hope. ut yet we still talk everyday, we still desire each other. if she was any other girl i had accidently met on the net she would have been gone a long time ago, but the fact is she is so special to me that she is a part my life now to big to let go.

we are both quite stubborn in the sense when we are hurting we become cold and we hold things back. i think we miss the every day things any other couple maybe take for granted. seeing each other, being able to gaze into each others eyes, holding each other, catching her sweet scent and being there for each other. kissing and making love. the fact we are still here wanting each other every day for 2 years and to only have been able to talk must mean something....

but yea i don't know where to turn, i don't' know what to do to maintain this long distance relationship. if anyone could shed some light or give their opinion i would appreciate it very much. thanks for your time and sorry if it is a long ass thread. i could have written a hell of a lot more but i didn't cya and please post replies tom...

[The_bobb]

How far away ARE you guys from each other? You said she was in Italy, but didn't say where you were.

Also, i have just broken off a long distance relationship, so allow me to impart some tips...

IF you start a relationship with her, your gonna get jealous of her and the people she hangs out with. It's going to happen, and why not? They get to see her and you don't.

Your gonna get scared of her leaving you too... Why? Because all of her friends WILL be pressuring her into seeing someone closer. And if her family dislikes you or the distance, that's just more people that will be trying to ween her off of you. And to her, important people...

And Lastly, COMMUNICATION (although i don't think i have to tell you this, as you seem to have it down). Talk ALL the time.

The first two points are what ruined my relationship... And they WILL happen. As far as i can tell, they happen to every long distance relationship.

Or if your a math buff...
If P is Pressure to find someone else
And L is loneliness from you not being around
And C being communication....

P+L < C

[UKtom]

i live in england. i know it is still the same continent but it is still a very long distance to have the person you love will you probably agree. i get very jealous of who she is with, of people around her. you cannot help but have visions on your mind of what could happen. it is a hell. like i said i would have left her long ago and finished this relationship if i didn't feel so damn strongly about her. i over think things in general and when it comes to this relationship even more. it causes me great torment sometimes and stress. but i would still go through it all to have her in my life... how long distance was your relationship and how long were you together? did you actually meet him/her also. sorry for the questions i am just curious

[The_bobb]

Oh don't worry about it man, ask away....

Yes i met her LONG before the relationship. Her and i worked together. BUT she was from an out of town office. So before the relationship, i would only see her a few times a month (if that).

Long story short, i couldn't keep my eyes off of her, i tried and tried for about a year to get her to go out with me. She finally said yes and we just hit it off. So WITH the relationship we saw each other more often but it still wasn't enough (MAYBE a week out of the month).

We did this for over a year (making total time we've known each other just about 2 years)... and let me tell you, we only lived 2 hours away. But when her family/friends/co-workers are all telling her to leave you and they start hooking her up with guys, It just wears on you. PLUS she lived next door to her ex and was ALWAYS getting hit on by other guys when she went out...

Now we spoke EVERYDAY, ALL DAY, and it still wasn't enough to over come the Jealousy and Loneliness... So even though i didn't suspect her of cheating on me (ok maybe a few times i suspected), i cut it off... it was just too much.

And i'm not trying to scare you out of this. I just want you to be armed with the knowledge that i didn't have...

[UKtom]

2 hours, wow if she lived at the other end of england i would be happy and make sure i go see her lol. that is harsh how she lived next door to her ex, that would tear me up inside real bad. she seems to be genuine and sincere, but then i over think things and find things that make me think other wise. maybe they are there maybe i invent them i don't know. but you can relate to what i am going through. the fact is with your relationship you actually met each other, whereas we have never set eyes upon each other in reality. which after 2 years is maybe stupid. we have seen each other on cam loads and stuff. but i cannot seem to break it off because i love her so damn much PAIIIIN lol.

[The_bobb]

Well like i said, even if she's willing to wait for you to get up the resources to visit her (and i strongly recommend you do). You gotta remember her friends will be instilling doubt ABOUT you, to her.

Saying things like "Well he lives so far how can you be sure you can trust him" sorta things...

Honestly though, if i were you, i'd make a STRONG effort to go see her... Set a date and go for it....

How far away is she? Time wise....

[kate_spencer]

Hello UKtom,
You actually don't have much problem here.. I mean, you both honestly love each other.. you're talking everyday for 2 years.. you know that's amazing. Not the typical ldr issue.
May I ask if you have a job? cause in two years you could have meet..

[UKtom]

well to asnwer to both of your posts, she lives about 3-4 hours on a plane. we are both at uni and no i do not have a job lol. i am focused on my career which is graphic design and i feel if i have a job i will not be able to focus on this totally. my worry is that this paranoia and jealousy is ruining what we have. it is causing tension and pain for both of us. sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate thanks for your comments though guys

[kate_spencer]

well to asnwer to both of your posts, she lives about 3-4 hours on a plane. we are both at uni and no i do not have a job lol. i am focused on my career which is graphic design and i feel if i have a job i will not be able to focus on this totally.

Oh, that answers it
Well, you have a point, being a graphic designer consumes a lot of time.. you'll mostly spend your time on computer, not to have a chat with her.. but to work on your designs. but you will earn a lot from that job.. a good paying job especially when you fall on the right paying employer.

my worry is that this paranoia and jealousy is ruining what we have. it is causing tension and pain for both of us. sometimes i feel it is better if we leave each other but if we ever try we are soon again talking. it is impossible for us to be apart. it is like being stuck between 2 worlds of pain. but at least i have found someone who i consider to be my soulmate thanks for your comments though guys

It's nice to hear that you finally met your soul mate You can still work for it.. in no time, if you'll be able to wait more for each other, you can be together.
I'm happy for you UKtom.. good luck!

[UKtom]

thanks a lot to you both. i hope all goes well. ironically i have just been speaking to her and as she studies languages at uni she has the chance of coming here. she read that she can maybe earn a place on a 6 month visit to here that would be perfect. yea if i manage to get a career in my passion which is graphic design, i could earn a lot of money. although it is a very competitive industry. and anyway soulmates are for life, so we have many years ahead of us if we are that connected. i just have this trust issue right now which i need to get over. thanks again peace out tom

[kate_spencer]

thanks a lot to you both. i hope all goes well. ironically i have just been speaking to her and as she studies languages at uni she has the chance of coming here. she read that she can maybe earn a place on a 6 month visit to here that would be perfect. yea if i manage to get a career in my passion which is graphic design, i could earn a lot of money. although it is a very competitive industry. and anyway soulmates are for life, so we have many years ahead of us if we are that connected. i just have this trust issue right now which i need to get over. thanks again peace out tom

Wow, nice to hear that.
In a relationship, trust should always be on top, next to love.
and welcome!

[Gigabitch]

That's hard on you, UKtom. It's something that will eat you up. LDR's are so hard to begin with, even if you trust someone completely and you get to see them all the time.

I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is that it's really important that you remember that this is a YOU problem, not a HER problem, so don't torture the poor girl. It's not her fault that you're jealous and insecure.

[UKtom]

i know it's not her fault that i am that way but i am that way and when i am mostly jealous or paranoid of her, i think things that lead me to believe she is not sincere and faithful. i feel bad for acting that way but i feel so helpless this far from her.

[InLoveCR]

Oh man I feel so identified with you.

I'm in to a LDR and I know how hard it is to stop yourself on being jealous and paraoid. When I read your post, i thought i was reading myself.

But in my case, I am even more far away, we live in different continents, but we met already (that is a good part)

I can't help feeling that maybe he is not being sincere and faithful to me, even tho I spent a whole month with him in his country, and he treated me soooooooooo nice; I even met his whole family.

And I feel bad when I think bad about him and I have no reasons to think like that, which is 100% of the time.

I keep thinking if he wouldnt love me or wouldnt be interested in me, why he keep calling me? why he keep chatting with me? why did he introduce me to his family? there are a lot of questions that makes me think about my relationship.

Well, I havent been able to talk to him that often cause he is getting thru some issues at his place, but, if he wouldnt care about me, he would disappear completely, and he didnt.

We are still talking....

Im just saying that if we are strong enough, we can make this relationship to work.

And this distance, I think would make the relationship stronger when we get together for real.

So UKTom, I do understand you and if you feel like talking about these issues, you can count on me... we are in the same boat.

Good luck for you and your gf

[Junket]

i also know this because being a guy, and guys will know what i am saying here, i have not slept with, kissed or been with anothe girl or desired to in the time i have had these strong feelings for her. i do not care of other girls, i only see her in my eyes.

Yeah, I know what you're saying.

You're in predator mode. You have tunnel vision and believe it or not, you're still infatuated. Infatuated because you have nothing else. You have no one to touch, nobody to disagree with. You both can hide the majority of your flaws and put your best face on the webcam.

Thing is, even if you were to visit each other this would still be the case.

Forget what InLoveCR said. It doesn't matter how "strong" you are. Eventually someone will get tired, bored, or frustrated with the situation and give up on it. Either cutting off all contact or just wanting to be "friends".

You're not supposed to sustain a long distance relationship. Think of LDR's as a sort of engagement to a real close proximity relationship. But if nobody is making an effort, or any progress on getting closer together then what's the point?

A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?