I'm no longer attracted to the love of my life

[umbraven]

Problem: been with my bf for 4 years, and I don't enjoy sex and I'm not attracted to him anymore. But I really love him and want things to work out. I don't want to be in a broken sexless relationship for the rest of my life, but I don't want to lose him.


Long version:

(I am a 19 yr old female, dating a 19 yr old male)

Here's the situation: I met my bf in grade 9. we became the best of friends, and after a little time it blossomed into love. We were the most mature couple in high school.The summer before senior year, I moved in with his family. I got pregnant, and we kept it a secret. we got an abortion, which I still believe was the best decision for both of us and the potential child. We really weren't ready, and we both wanted to stay in school for many years.

The stress of dealing with this crippled me. I only had him to lean on, I'm sure it was hard for him too. unfortunately his mother was suffering from thyroid problems, which made her clinically insane while untreated, and she and I fought over the state of the house (the house was incredibly disgusting, and I was the only person making any effort to clean up after themselves. I was practically a live in maid for them.) Eventually dealing with his mother drove me to leave, though it broke our hearts to live separately.

My mother has a lot of mental issues and I couldn't live with her anymore. So I asked my bf to move into an apartment with me for college. The prospect scared him a lot, but he conceded. We moved into our apt, the day after Prom (last summer).

Since then we've both been super busy with school and work. now, in 2nd semester he 's working full time because he wants to switch courses, and must wait for the spring. I've been struggling with an anxiety disorder, and I recently started medication, which has yet to kick in.
I've heard that many young couples grow apart with time. He's a programmer, and I'm an artist. Even without liking the same things, we still jive really well. I feel that we compliment each other rather then clash.

My bf, has gained some weight in the last 2 years. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I'm not sure if its the weight, or if I'm under a lot of stress, or if my passion for him fizzled because we've been together so long. It could be a combination of all of those factors.
We rarely ever have sex. We've tried vibrating toys, and watching porn together, massages,high sex etc.
He is still very much attracted to me as I'm pretty cute. He tries his best to turn me on, and I end up feeling embarrassed for the both of us. Sex with him has always been kind of sloppy, and fumbly. I tense up because I'm not into sex, and I don't get off a lot.

Sex fails. But I love him so much, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I want to be with someone I can't wait to jump into bed with. We've talked about or relationship issues extensively. He's not sure if he'd be happy in a relationship with no sex in 30 years, and neither am I. He assures me that he loves me, and that he doesn't blame me. We're both terrified of loosing each other. We said that no matter what we'd still be friends for the rest of our lives. And we're going to do whatever it takes to make things better again. He's exercising and eating better. I'm trying my hardest to loosen up. We plan to seek couple counseling when we have the money (we barely make our rent).


I really want to make this work. But I don't know if a six pack is going to bring back the fire. He's trying to be more romantic; we're trying to squeeze in time to go on dates again.

He's said that he'll probably love me for the rest of his life. It both comforts me and fills me with guilt.

He said that we could still live together if we break up. I'm almost tempted to do this if all our efforts fail to revive my attraction to him. I can't imagine not being with him. But for me to stay room mates with him, (and date other people,) while he's still in love with me is cruel.

SO I broke down my needs into this:
- I need to have my bf in my life (I still love him, only perhaps not romantically)
- I need to have the freedom to pursue a healthy relationship (Neither of us deserve to be trapped in a broken and sexless relationship for the rest of our lives)

I think he'd be very hurt if I suggested an open relationship. He is a strong believer in monogamy. I'm open to the concept that we both are free to date and love whomever we want and as many people as we want. Though I'm not sure how it would actually play out. I'm the possessive, jealous type I'll admit it. I think I'd feel dethroned if he brought home another girl. I want him to be happy, and I think with some time I could accept that he deserves to have a healthy relationship, but I really want to keep whatever weird relationship it is that I have with him. It would probably be hard for us both to find partners who are okay with the connection we have to each other.

As it stands our plan is to seek professional counseling, I'm now on daily chill pills to combat anxiety and slight depression, and he's going to try to tone up and take better care of himself.


In the meantime things are really strained. This is hurting both of us terribly.
Any advice, or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.
Edit/Delete Message

[carl1222]

It doesn't look good, but let's not put the final nail in the coffin of your relationship quite yet. A few questions:

Were you ever really physically attracted to your boyfreind? Have you lost interest in sex with your bf in particular? ... in other words, do you look at other men and say to yourself "If I were single, I would like to have sex with him?" Was your loss of interest in him gradual or sudden? If sudden .... had you just started taking any new medications, especially birth control pills or antidepressants?

Carl.

[umbraven]

It doesn't look good, but let's not put the final nail in the coffin of your relationship quite yet. A few questions:

Were you ever really physically attracted to your boyfreind?
I was when we were younger, though his appearance has changed quite a bit since then


Have you lost interest in sex with your bf in particular?
yes
... in other words, do you look at other men and say to yourself "If I were single, I would like to have sex with him?"
yes
Was your loss of interest in him gradual or sudden?
gradual, I was kind of traumatized by the abortion, and for many months I wanted nothing to do with sex. things picked back up for a bit, then slowed down when we started post secondary. over the winter things sort of dried up

If sudden .... had you just started taking any new medications, especially birth control pills or antidepressants?
I only just started anti depressants, they probably won't even start to kick in for another week or two though

Carl.

thank you for your interest and help

[Gigabitch]

This is the third time I've tried to post an answer here. I keep erasing everything I've said.

Short and simple: you're clinging to something safe and easy. I think you should break up with him for a while.

You guys have been together since you were children and you've been through all kinds of drama together. This does NOT mean that you're a good couple.

I'm sure you'll get responses that disagree, but for me, sex is so important that I wouldn't be willing to live without it. If I wanted to be with someone that loved me and didn't want me physically, I'd move in with my brother.

Break up with him and let the guy get laid, already.