How Do You Forgive Someone?

[Aeradalia]

If someone had hurt your badly... tremendously... even altered the course of your life because of their actions towards you... how do you truly forgive them?

I understand that you have to 'let things go'... and find it in your heart to 'forgive them'... but how do you do that? (and I'm not talking about that half-ass... oh I forgive them so I'll just repress it)

The desire for justice... vengeance even... is so very hard to just set aside. I mean... is it even possible? Really?

[Gribble]

Why bother? Never forgive. Just forget. If someone has hurt you that badly cut 'em out of your life and be done with it.

[Cbrider]

Time is the only way I have found that you can really forgive someone. Even with that said, it generally requires the person at the center of it to change in some way so that you can forgive them. Like Gribble said, just forget, theres some things in this world you should never be forgiven for.

[misombra]

learn from it and move on.

[doppelgaenger]

Is anyone ever forgiven? I think it's just another word for holding a grudge or feeling resolved/justified. Either way you'll eventually 'get over' it, whatever it may be... well, I guess forgiving would be to decide to give the person who hurt you another chance to potentially hurt you again. It takes a lot of love to do something like that. I guess that it's just a measure of love from that point.

[Aeradalia]

This doesn't involve love... it's essentially about forgiving someone for making your life so much harder... taking from you what was rightfully yours... trying to forgive someone for the evil they have done.

I can't 'make them pay' and I can't keep dwelling on it (wasted enough time as it is)... so I guess I have to forgive them if I want to move on?

[Gigabitch]

I'm not a big believer in forgiveness.

I believe that you can get to the point where you understand that this person is deeply ****ed-up and that they did the best they could for you but the best they could do was so far short of acceptable it hardly counts.

I believe that you can get to the point where you understand that what really matters here is that this person can't hurt you any more. Understand that you're a grown-up and you can take better care of yourself than anyone else ever has, and that you trust yourself completely to protect yourself and ensure that you're never put into a dangerous situation ever again.

Understand also that what happened to you was NOT your fault and that you are not tied to this person in any way, not by the experience, not by some unpaid karmic debt, not at all. Think about that person and clearly say, "I want no part of you. Get the **** out of my head."

But to forgive? I don't think so. Assaulting someone is unforgivable, Aeradalia. You need to exorcise this person, not forgive them.

[NeoSeminole]

you gain the power to forgive someone when you decide to take back control of your life

[Indignant]

if someone does something accidentally and is not a huge moral issue for you, you should always express that to him, so that the person tries not to make the same mistake again. if he keeps hurting you then you have to shut him out of your life in order to protect yourself.

[doppelgaenger]

This doesn't involve love... it's essentially about forgiving someone for making your life so much harder... taking from you what was rightfully yours... trying to forgive someone for the evil they have done.

I can't 'make them pay' and I can't keep dwelling on it (wasted enough time as it is)... so I guess I have to forgive them if I want to move on?

Shit on their pillow.

[lesa]

you gain the power to forgive someone when you decide to take back control of your life

That's exactly what I was going to say. You forgive to gain back control of your life otherwise YOU will live with misery. Who knows how the other person feel. Why give them that control over your entire life?

The only person you are hurting is yourself. Whatever they did cannot be changed but they don't control you. I refuse to live like that.

You don't have to ever speak to this person. Forgiveness is so that you can move on. Forgive yourself.

[ecojeanne]

ditto to gribbles comment, if someone hurts me, i'm angry, i let the anger go but never have contact with that person ever again, i see it as a lesson learnt to protect my future encounters. one doesn't have to forgive to move on. but the door must always be closed to that person and event/s. i dissassociate myself from the feelings i once had. it can be difficult depending on who or what happened but letting yourself think about it makes you still involved

[Aeradalia]

Just forget.

Forgetting is probably the single-most hardest thing to do. But I will try to let the memories fade.

...theres some things in this world you should never be forgiven for.

Yeah... I feel this may be true... and this may indeed apply.

learn from it and move on.

That's what I struggle with... what did I learn from it? Was there something I was suppose to learn? All I remember learning was how helpless I was.

... this person can't hurt you any more.
...you're a grown-up and you can take better care of yourself than anyone else ever has, and that you trust yourself completely to protect yourself and ensure that you're never put into a dangerous situation ever again.
...what happened to you was NOT your fault ...you are not tied to this person in any way, not by the experience, not by some unpaid karmic debt, not at all.
...Assaulting someone is unforgivable...

I understand I can no longer be hurt by them... and I do trust I will protect myself from harm (as best I can)... I guess I had always felt I could never fully recover the 'normalcy' I was meant to have... and always attributed that to them... thus reminded of them.

you gain the power to forgive someone when you decide to take back control of your life

This is more to the point.. I'm sure. I'm allowing my life to fall into disarray over something that happened in the past --- something that no longer applies. Not sure why... shock, disbelief, guilt.. etc? The reasons don't matter... the 'wreck' has happened, the shock is over... it's time to pick up the pieces and move on. I still have a life, and I need to be living it.

...You forgive to gain back control of your life otherwise YOU will live with misery. Who knows how the other person feel. Why give them that control over your entire life?
The only person you are hurting is yourself....
...Forgiveness is so that you can move on. Forgive yourself.

I was hoping to be afforded some form of control by forgiving... and you are right... I need to forgive myself for my perceived 'failings'... not them.

...i dissassociate myself from the feelings i once had. ...letting yourself think about it makes you still involved

I do try to suppress the memories and feelings as best I can... but different things can trigger the replay of these memories. Though I will try not think about such things within the scope of my control...


Thank you everyone who had posted... it helps to have an outside perspective.

[vashti]

I think forgiveness can only occur when you can quit letting that one incident define you as a victim. But unlike some others, I think forgiveness should be pursued (for YOUR sake), but you shouldn't forget.

[Only-virgins]

You have to want to forgive them. Other wise you aren't supposed to.