can she expect that from me?

[posea]

Posea... the main goal of this forum is to give useful advice --- advice that will help improve relationships, or individuals themselves, or both.

In the process of doing so... you have to realize that though some may come here asking for advice... what they're really looking for is validation for how they 'feel' or some kind of misconception they have. It's up to us... those who give the advice... to not only offer such advice... but to present it in such a way they cannot dissect the meaning and pervert it to justify their misguided stance on the issue.

Whether you are right or not on the trivial piece you mentioned is irrelevant. All that matters is the fact that you presented your 'advice' in such a way to where the OP could use it to validate his poor choices and selfish motivations. His marriage will surely fail and he will miss out on an opportunity to learn the lesson he so desperately needs to learn --- self-discipline.

I understand that, but in my opinion what he did is valid. Valid, meaning it's understandable and not that uncommon in relationships. Whether it is right or not in regards to his wife's feeling is obvious. She should move on, because he obviously is not over whatever made him do this and probably won't get over it for some time.. because it's natural. I don't think making this guy feel like he's the biggest piece of crap for having feelings for another human while in a marriage (which is something that is really just a promise). He broke his promise and it's obvious the relationship is toxic. I think he realizes this deep down, and though he still has attachment to his wife it seems like he knows it's not going to change.

That's all. My take on it.

[Mish]

I don't think making this guy feel like he's the biggest piece of crap for having feelings for another human while in a marriage (which is something that is really just a promise). He broke his promise and it's obvious the relationship is toxic. I think he realizes this deep down, and though he still has attachment to his wife it seems like he knows it's not going to change.

He doesn't seem to be acting on making any improvements or amends. What do you tell to a kid who is running towards a cliff and you repeatedly tell him not to, but he continues to do so? Only now while he is running towards his doom deep down he begins to realize the flaw of his ways, while continuing to run anyway. What good is that realization if there is no action behind it? What I'm seeing is that people are using different tactics to try to persuade the guy to change, to stop running in some hope that somehow he won't run off the cliff. He doesn't seem to listen or at least not act on it, thus there's tension. It's hard to blame people for some of the things that had been said.

[DanPBG]

[QUOTE=posea;427518]it's obvious the relationship is toxic. I think he realizes this deep down, and though he still has attachment to his wife it seems like he knows it's not going to change.
QUOTE]

Its not that I STILL have attachment to my wife. I love her more than anything else. I was not holding hands or exchanging thoughts and feelings with these women. I'm not even sure if it was mutual, that makes it so hard to do what my wife asked me for.
All your responses make me thinking a lot.
I was reaching out searching for what I think I was missing. I want to be seen as intelligent, handsome, caring, hardworking, strong, loving, focused, etc....What was my vehicle to accomplish what I longed for? I think catching the attention of lonely, vulnerable females. Then I could see that at least some of these insecurities were fulfilled. I preyed upon their weaknesses.I needed it to make me feel good about myself. It wasn't seeking out sexual conquests. I was looking for that positive energy to boost my self-worth. What I totally ignored was the fact that my wife was here providing everything that I ever needed. In a way I'm intimidated. She's more human, caring, smarter, beautiful (as a female), confident, etc, etc, etc...than I am. My feelings have nothing to do with jealously, but loss of identity.
Everything I'm saying here I also told my wife. She said it doesn't matter if it was mutual or not, the impact it had on her is still the same. She needs me making a straight stand, even if it's against my comfort.... or just because?? I guess I AM a coward. I need to think more....

[posea]

If you're not comfortable with who you are, a relationship will never work. As cliche as it sounds.

It seems like you still have some desire to test the field to me. But I could be wrong.

[Mish]

I guess I AM a coward. I need to think more....

Dan, just walk away. Don't fool yourself with thoughts you can come through for her. It doesn't look like it's in you. You don't seem to know how to make amends and you are more comfortable with a status quo. Give her a peace of mind by letting her go so she can find her equal.

[DanPBG]

Why can you not understand that I am afraid of doing it? It's not just because I don't want to. I'm already in trouble to speak to more than one person. I've never learnt that! My ex supervisor is pretty cut-and-dry.I see myself stuttering and mumbling, and her finally slamming the door. I think I've got but one shot. I'm afraid to mess it up and make it even worse. I really need guidance how to do it, but I don't want to ask my wife. Annoyed23 was right, it was bad enough she had to tell me how to fix it. There ARE moments when I see everything clearly. I know it won't fix it but it can be a start. I do know that. I know at times I'm extremely depressed and frustrated, thats when I blame my wife and look for excuses. Then again, I really want to be responsible and mature but still need help how to apologize in public without messing it up.

[Aeradalia]

You can worry about all the what if's and run completely out of time... or you can give it a try.

Which one do you think has a better chance of improving your current predicament?

Hesitation will kill ya.. or the relationship at least.

[Gigabitch]

I agree with Mish.

Dan, you don't deserve your wife and the least you owe her is to admit it. Let her go. She must be so completely disgusted with you right now. You've got prime rib at home and you keep hitting the drive-through for a Big Mac. You know why? Because you know you don't deserve the prime rib.

Dan, you have such little respect for yourself you actually are satisfied with casual flirtation and attention from strangers. Real love is too rich for you. She's like a Ferrari and you're more comfortable riding the bus.

I can't imagine how you actually managed to land this woman in the first place. You must be hella charming. It's like a thin veneer over a gaping chasm where your character ought to be.

Pull your head out of your ass, Dan. You're a weasel. Let your wife move on and find a real man that can meet her halfway. You're off the road without a map.

[Chris2009]

I like that.... Ferrari/prime rib vs bus/BigMac. LoL

[andora]

It happened to me once, and I know how she feels. No matter how many times you tell her that you love her, and you are flirting or seeking attention from other women, it makes no sense. She will always feel second or third best. You are probably not willing to introduce her to your crush (es) and women you flirt with, that raises question marks. My ex boyfriend was very very very mad at me when I picked up his phone when he was takin a shower, why? Because he didnt want those women to know that I existed yet he always told me that he loved me. I even gave him a second chance, I asked him to invite his "friend" over for a dinner or just to get together and know each other, he said he doesnt mix his colleagues into his personal life. He always insisted that they are workmates, nothing more. Anyway, I decided to leave, 6 months later, his "friend" gave birth to his baby.

I would suggest that you involve her in everything you do, atleast let her know, let your friends meet her and vise versa, let there be no secrets, if you get back together

[paul_mot]

you should thank god that she gave you a second chance at all, do what she says right away, or the offer will not be available anymore.

[DanPBG]

I guess that's what happened. Since yesterday she doesn't answer the phone anymore and blocked the email. How can I show her now when she doesn't communicate with me? That's not right

[misombra]

you're out. sorry.

[Aeradalia]

I guess that's what happened. Since yesterday she doesn't answer the phone anymore and blocked the email. How can I show her now when she doesn't communicate with me? That's not right

Sorry bud... you just ran out of time...

[The_bobb]

I'm GLAD she moved on... (And dan, she did, your done).

His first post on this was TWELVE (12) DAYS ago... And all she wanted was an apology...

Kind of hard to gather up the energy to feel bad for Dan, when we had near two weeks to do a VERY simple thing to save his marriage.

Personally, i don't think you give a crap about your wife, you just came here wanting SOMEONE to tell you it wasn't your fault and SHE was wrong... Well sorry Dan, you lost... and i'm happy for her.

Too bad.