I annoyed him - Please advise

[andora]

I have a boyfriend of 1 and a half years and we live together. The house is 2 bedroom and since I insisted on having my own bedroom, he agreed although we sleep together whenever he is at home (he works nights, me days). On Valentine’s Day, I had a present for him (he had none for me) and had planned to make a romantic dinner for two, but he suggested we go eat out instead. Most of the morning, we just watched TV and surfed the internet. He then decides to “clean-up” my laptop and something went wrong and it crushed. I was definitely mad bcuz I use it for studies. When he said it was time for us to go for dinner, I refused; I was in a very bad mood bcuz I felt like he owed me at least an apology for crushing my laptop. I also refused to go to our friend’s house for a lunch that they had invited us….the following day. We didn’t go for dinner but he went to our friend’s place alone, the next day.

When he came back from the lunch, I was still very angry because he had nothing for me for Val’s day and he also crushed my laptop (I know that he didn’t do it intentionally). He found me watching TV and went straight to his bedroom bcuz he was to go to work in a few hours. I followed him to the bedroom and….you guessed right! I started a fight! I didn’t even have a strong reason to fight……….at first, he told me politely to go to my room but that only made me madder! I yelled at him ( I cant remember what I said) but I told him that he was arrogant very many times. Once again, he asked me to go to my room, I said no…many times. I could see his anger rise and he rose from the bed held me and tried to push me out of his room……of course I resisted and, we pushed and pulled each other for a good 10 minutes and the next thing…he threw me on the floor. At that point, I couldn’t fight anymore, I rose, up, went to my room, shut the door and cried myself to sleep. I am not angry any more………all the anger is gone………replaced by self pity. Why did I start the fight? How can I think that I can fight with a man? All the tenderness I saw in him is gone, the picture of him that comes in my face is so different…..I see a person who can hurt me so bad…..but mostly I blame myself for starting the fight. I want to forget but the body aches keep reminding me….I feel embarrassed, I have never known myself to cause such drama! PS This is our first physical fight.

Things he said during the fight keeps ringing back in my head. He said how we have mislead people and made them think we are a couple that could one day marry, how I should never again sleep with him in his bed bcuz someone else belongs there and not me, how he wants me out of the house asap and how he is not sorry for crushing my laptop, and he warned me NEVER to touch his, he said that he cant “share” stuff with me…..

Growing up, I never involved myself in fights, this is my very first fight in my whole life and I hated it.

A day later, he sends me an e-mail apologizing and claiming he doesn’t know what became of him to do what he did to me! I am confused; do you think he is genuinely sorry? I have been avoiding him, I am having mixed feelings, I kinda hate/fear him. He’s been trying to talk to me but I feel very uncomfortable, I cant even look him in the eye and when he asks me something I just give him a one word answer although very politely.

[Mish]

Things he said during the fight keeps ringing back in my head. He said how we have mislead people and made them think we are a couple that could one day marry, how I should never again sleep with him in his bed bcuz someone else belongs there and not me, how he wants me out of the house asap and how he is not sorry for crushing my laptop, and he warned me NEVER to touch his, he said that he cant “share” stuff with me…..

Growing up, I never involved myself in fights, this is my very first fight in my whole life and I hated it.

A day later, he sends me an e-mail apologizing and claiming he doesn’t know what became of him to do what he did to me! I am confused; do you think he is genuinely sorry? I have been avoiding him, I am having mixed feelings, I kinda hate/fear him. He’s been trying to talk to me but I feel very uncomfortable, I cant even look him in the eye and when he asks me something I just give him a one word answer although very politely.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened andora. Did you tell him that you were upset that he didn't get you a Valentines present? It sounds like it was the catalyst for this entire ordeal. If you did, what was his response? It would've been very indicative of his stance on the entire relationship and this fight may not have occurred.

Though, maybe it's a good thing that it did occur because you got a lot out of it. You've witnessed the amount of contempt and anger this man has for you. I think he was right when he said that you are not the woman who should sleep in his bed. It may have been an emotional outburst at the time, but I think it came from the heart. This is where he is emotionally. I think this relationship needs to be discontinued before it gets any worse. Physical abuse should not be tolerated especially so early into the relationship.

[Angel80]

I think it is a normal fight and he didn't mean to hurt you or anything but things during the fight developed into this. Actually during fighting and anger people do things they regret and doesn't sound like themselves.
So my advice take your time to recover from this bad feelings and after that go speak with him about it and I think it will be fine.

[starbuck]

Nope, not a normal fight. There is no excuse for him to get physically violent with you, even if you did start the fight. And yeah, you're probably not going to look at him the same after this incident.

I also think there is more going on here than you being upset about the present or the dinner. These are possibly symptoms of what you see as general selfishness in him. But instead of talking to him about it, you wait until it boils up and you explode on him.

Not a healthy relationship. I'd suggest a cooling-off period where the both of you take a break from the relationship. You have separate bedrooms...that's a start.

[Cain]

First of all, I don't think anyone of us knows how serious this pushing to the floor was. Did he pick her up and slam her? Did she fall to the floor while he was trying to move her backwards?

I'm sorry, but if I want someone out of my room and they won't leave, I'll be moving you backwards. If you try to hit me or anything else, I will make sure that I push you hard enough for me to get you out.

I don't agree with hitting a woman, but I tire of the theory that a man can't get involve with a woman physically in any way. You all wanted to be treated as equals, yes? Then be ready to take a little bit of pushing.

[starbuck]

They both felt the need to escalate the fight into physical violence. I agree that she's not completely guilt-free and would never suggest she was a victim here. But she is here posting and needing advice and help here, and he is not. To tell her she got what she deserved would not be helpful or correct.

She said he pushed her so hard, her body ached the next day. How disturbing is that? He didn't need to take it to that level.

[Indignant]

First of all, I don't think anyone of us knows how serious this pushing to the floor was. Did he pick her up and slam her? Did she fall to the floor while he was trying to move her backwards?

I'm sorry, but if I want someone out of my room and they won't leave, I'll be moving you backwards. If you try to hit me or anything else, I will make sure that I push you hard enough for me to get you out.

I don't agree with hitting a woman, but I tire of the theory that a man can't get involve with a woman physically in any way. You all wanted to be treated as equals, yes? Then be ready to take a little bit of pushing.

no Cain, hope you learn a lesson from this, otherwise you'll end up in jail. when you want to excuse yourself out of a confrontation, leave the house. do not touch the woman.

[Angel80]

I think what we need to know, what was the relationship before this fight, were you happy with no serious problems?

[Gigabitch]

Wow. You really suck at fighting. I totally feel your distress- I used to be REALLY sucky at fighting as well back when I was living with my first serious boyfriend. This is something you're going to have to learn how to do if you want to continue to be involved with men because believe me, everybody fights sometimes. Everybody. Barack and Michelle. Mary and Joseph. Everybody.

It sounds like you know you totally lost it and you totally started it. IMO, you were provoked. He sounds kind of lame, actually. What kind of guy doesn't come up with something for Valentine's Day? Whether they like it or not, they know it's an unspoken rule. And really, what the hell was he thinking not even apologizing for crashing your computer and swearing that he'll make it right?

Yes, he's probably truly sorry. I hope he doesn't think for a minute that it will magically erase everything you heard him say. I also hope you seriously think through whether or not this guy is worth your trouble. If you get back with him, in some way you are telling him that what happened is acceptable.

[IndiReloaded]

Next time, decide what you want before unleashing your inner bitch.

As for your reasons, yes, he was a tard for not doing anything for Valentines Day.

Yes, if it bugs you its up to you to tell him so.

As for a computer crash, yes, you are being a baby about this. Its obviously your excuse to fight and a lame one. But, just to avoid future fights: I don't think anyone should apologize for crashing your computer. Computers crash all the time. In fact, I've had a couple hard drives die on my in my time. That's what saves and backups are for and figure this out now, before you lose something really important.

I'm with Cain on the 'push to the floor' thing. Sounds like you were in his face and refused to leave. Unless he actually slammed you to the floor, I'd say you got what you were asking for. Do you have any idea just how angry a guy can get? And what, if they lack self control, they could do to you? Guys resolve these kinds of incidents by beating the shit out of each other until there is a winner and then go get a beer.

Learn to argue with purpose.

[url]http://www.wikihow.com/Fight-Fair-in-Relationships[/url]

[IndiReloaded]

no Cain, hope you learn a lesson from this, otherwise you'll end up in jail. when you want to excuse yourself out of a confrontation, leave the house. do not touch the woman.

Indig, your posts bug me. While I agree, a guy has this option, so does the *woman*.

You almost make it seem that women are these emotion-filled creatures that have no responsibility for their own actions. That may be true in your world, but not in mine.

[Indignant]

Indig, your posts bug me. While I agree, a guy has this option, so does the *woman*.

You almost make it seem that women are these emotion-filled creatures that have no responsibility for their own actions. That may be true in your world, but not in mine.

have you ever been hit by a guy?

[IndiReloaded]

Only as part of my martial arts training. Its okay. Once you've been hit a few times you learn to not be afraid of it.

But I know what you mean. Not in a relationship. I've been threatened by some very large guys who were psych patients and I've broken up a couple of parking lot fights. But never physically, I'm a small woman. I rely on my brain and my mouth and I'm pretty good at it.

[Cain]

have you ever been hit by a guy?

He didn't hit her. He pushed her.

Why is it that the man is expected to walk away from every confrontation no matter what the woman does? If a woman start punching the man in his face, he's expected to just sit there and take it because God forbid he do anything physical back to her. It was HIS room. Not hers. Why should he have to leave not only HIS room but the house also?

She was in the wrong by following him to his room with the intention of starting a fight. Yeah, maybe he provoked it by not getting her something for Valentine's Day, but she could have just as easily avoided confrontation by not following him to his room.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

I understand that it is his room, but to avoid any physical problems it is only best to leave. Let her talk to herself in the room. If you feel that getting physical is the best way to get your way with someone, IMO thats bad. I mean, if a family member was in your room annoying you and nagging you about something and refused to leave would you push him/her to the ground? Now I'm not picking sides here at all, because she was taunting him, but he could have been the more mature one and just leave her act immature.Feeling the necessity to get physical is immature to me. When she finally leaves the room he can go in and lock her out and ignore her. But he chose to sit and argue with her til she pushed his buttons so far that he got physical. This is not a female vs. male thing for me, cuz either which way it is wrong to put your hands on someone just cuz you arent getting your way.

I just dont agree that it should get physical no matter what. Verbal abuse is already a lot.