About my sister...

[bluesummer]

besides their sex life, is there anything else we should be aware of? abuse? cuz if sex is the only issue, he doesn't sound that bad after all. he might be going through a phase..

Not that bad? I don't know, if my partner had to be forced into having sex with me a few times a year for the last three years, I'd think it was more than just a 'phase'. It's a PROBLEM.

Besides that, he:

* Hides money from my sister instead of bringing it home. He's a personal trainer and gets paid in cash. She's found wads hidden in his coat pockets when their bills are going unpaid.
* Refuses to 'talk about things' with her
* Is extremely insecure and tries to hide it by being standoffish, condescending, and sometimes outright cruel (to her and to others)
* Has routinely told my sister that the life he has with her was 'not what he wanted' - he acts like he's settling

I asked her once if she honestly saw herself marrying this guy and she said no. I think that says it all.

I know I can't save her from everything in her life, but I still think she'd be happier without him. Being a single mom isn't SO bad for her.....she's managed before. She has another child with an ex, and she managed just fine on her own. She has a good government job now. Her ex gives her money and spends lots of time with his child, he's a good Dad.

I think her current bf is dragging her down.

[Mish]

I know I can't save her from everything in her life, but I still think she'd be happier without him. Being a single mom isn't SO bad for her.....she's managed before. She has another child with an ex, and she managed just fine on her own. She has a good government job now. Her ex gives her money and spends lots of time with his child, he's a good Dad.

I think her current bf is dragging her down.

So this guy is not the father of her child? And they are not married? I guess this makes the situation a bit different.

Though I would still recommend counseling, a lot of questions are unanswered. How did it get to this? If this is not what he wanted why is he with her? What makes him insecure and why does he want to hide it instead of finding a way of dealing with it? Why does he refuse to communicate? Why does she find guys of this caliber, is it pathological? (If it is she will just find a replacement just like him in the future). Counseling will provide a few answers to the above.

[lesa]

I agree Mishanya. Why is she choosing these men? And to be the father of her children at that.

Maybe she needs a break from a relationship to understand herself more--find out what issues she may have with herself and work on improving before finding a quality man.

If a man does not meet her standards (have dealbreakers) she should not bother dating him. It's just a waste of time for the both of them.

It's not all about the man. She chooses to remain with him. Until she ups her standards, you really cannot help her in the long term. She will find another man and be in a similar situation until she figures out what she is worth.

[IndiReloaded]

Blue, I'm sure she knows there are issues else she wouldn't be talking to you about them.

The most important thing you can do for a sibling is let her know she has your support whenever she needs it. I agree with Vash, that you should 'direct' her thinking, with the 'wow, what will you do?' type statements. This lets her know that you agree there is a problem (i.e. don't tell her its okay when you know its not) but that she needs to make the effort to figure things out.

I'd be careful of the brut honest opinion, tho, unless you know exactly what purpose it would serve. Usually, that kind of thing will only make her feel bad about her past choices. You want to motivate her to make new, better ones. If you really think she's better off without this guy, cultivate her feelings that will lead her to act: things like her sense of outrage, fairness, self-respect, that kind of thing. But let her bring these things up, you should just agree and 'guide' her to realizations about these things.

[Gigabitch]

Just jokingly tell her that if she ever needs help moving a body, she should call you first. Laugh. Then look seriously at her and raise your eyebrows slightly, to say, "Not really kidding."

[lesa]

^^^I like that Giga!

Tell the sister that she should dump the loser somewhere....LOL...No seriously.

[Gigabitch]

You could start sending her pictures of dumpsters and landfills. You know, places where she could drop his lame ass off.

Blue, has she always been an asshole magnet or is this new?

[bluesummer]

She doesn't always date assholes.....her previous bf, whom she had my nephew with, is a pretty decent guy. He's also in love w/her still. She dumped him b/c she was feeling insecure....she found some porn on the computer and dumped him for it. Stupid.

This current bf though....the first time I met him, she actually pointed to him (he worked with her) and said "....and that's Sean. He's an asshole, so I won't bother to introduce you". Two weeks later, they're an item. Six months later, she's pregnant. I think she feels like she needs to stay with him b/c they have a child together. If that's the case she should just go back to her ex, since he worships her and is more responsible, and he's ten years younger than the other guy.

Sean is angry about his life. He's a personal trainer, has a degree in kinesiology, but works retail selling supplements. Nothing has gone 'as he planned it'. Yet, he doesn't do anything to improve his situation and takes his frustration about his failed life out on my sister. He's moody and depressive. He has his good moments, but they're rare.

[lesa]

She dumped him b/c she was feeling insecure....she found some porn on the computer and dumped him for it. Stupid.

Hmmm this statement concerns me about her. They must have been child pornography otherwise she has her priorities backwards and will continue.

[bluesummer]

This was five years ago though, and she now realizes it was immature.

It was just regular porn. At the time, she considered looking at it 'cheating'.

[Charlie Boy II]

^^^ what a ridiculous conclusion.

Edit Lesa's, I was referring to.

[IndiReloaded]

If they are going to split, better now than when her baby is older.

There are lots of things he can do with a kines degree. Did he go to SFU? Tell him to go back and get his Master's in research so he can get a real job, its not that much more work and is a lot more satisfying.

[lesa]

^^^ what a ridiculous conclusion.

Edit Lesa's, I was referring to.

Hehe, CB I was being facetious. Sorry it wasn't obvious. I'm saying that it was ridiculous for her to break up with him because he watched some porn. Unless it was something crazy I don't think that was a good reason to let go of a good guy.