Should I give her another chance??

[Benjwah]

Hey everyone, Im in need of desperate help, this might get long due to details, but please help me out if you have the time. Thanks in advance!

I'm new and have a dilemma that I need some advice on. I'm 23 so I'm still pretty young and while I feel like I have a good amount of experiance with women, I've never been thorugh what I'm experianceing now and I have no idea how to handle it.

So I started dating my current gf 3 months ago. Shes 21. Very emotional. Needs ton of attention. Absolutely gorgeous, really smart, great personality, a complete princess. For me, my ideal girl, except, she came with a lot of baggage.

When I met her she had just gotten broken up with for the first time about 3 months prior. She's had some dating experiance but shes always beenthe one controling the situation and finally it switched on her. She dated a complete asshole that used her and threw her away, and it crushed her.

So long story short, she was still dealing with it and had trust issues when we met. Looking back, there was no way she was ready to get into a realtionship again. But being young and dumb, I pursued her anyways because beneath the baggage, she was my perfect angel.

So time went on, she went to a few parties where the ex was and just fell apart, she was a mess. I wasnt there. She ended up kissing another guy to try to make her ex feel the pain she was. I found out and was livid. We talked a lot about it, I told her it was through, but she convinced me that she loved me and that it was just because she was so messed up from her ex. But, that faced with the thought of losing me, she realized how much I meant and how much I had helped her and that she would never do anything else ever again to risk that. So, I guess Im dumb, but I was in love with her, so I took her back.

Now, a little over a month after that, things have been great. But, I find out her ex has been trying to get in touch with her, shes been ignoring his calls, but he sent her a msg on facebook and she responded. Then he wrote back and she responded again. He now works in the nyc where we live and not where he lives in nj. He asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime and she said yes. She didnt tell me about it, was trying to hide it, I saw the msg and called her out on it.

So yesterday we had a huge fight about it, I feel like she betrayed me. She said she never intended on actually hanging out with him. She just wanted to **** with him and be able to turn him down for once. But to me, it was just too much to still be dealing with thisstuff. So I told her we need totake a break and I broke up with her. But I still am in love with her, and she is with me. But wtf do I do?????? She claims to be over her ex but she still needs to play games with him..wtf??? Is this just part of the healing she needsto go through? He made her feel worthless, so to me I think shes trying to regain some of her power by being able to shut him down. But wtf?? How do I take her back if shes like this? Whta should I do? Im in love with her. Please give me some advice.

[Gigabitch]

Yeah, Ben. You should give her another chance, but not yet. I think you did the right thing by drawing a big line with her about her contact with her ex. That relationship isn't healthy, they're not "friends" and she has no business telling him she'd hang out with him.

I've seen so many of these "I broke up with my asshole boyfriend and I love my new one to pieces but I miss my ex" type-girls around here that I just don't believe her about intending to string him along. I think she had every intention of hanging out with him because, for some ****ed-up reason, nothing bonds like abuse.

Meh, that's another conversation.

Anyway, I think she'll probably run back to the dick now and learn that lesson again. Then, if she's not too ashamed, she'll come back to you., and if you're not too disgusted, you should take her back.

There's nothing wrong with rules, and I applaud you for not tolerating her irresponsible bullshit. if she calls you today, tell her to leave you alone until she's ready to get rid of her ex forever. No Facebook contact. No phone calls. Nothing.

[Benjwah]

Thanks for the response. Its such a complex situation because I know I can't tell her what to do. And I don't want to. In some cases its fine to be friends with ex's. But I definitely dont think this is one of them. Maybe I've just been through breakups like this before so I know, if you actually want to move on, you have to cut the person out of your life.

By her not doing that, by still being at his beck and call by responding to his msg instead of ignoring it, I feel like she in someway is still not over him.

She claims she would never get back with him, would never let him touch her, and that she is completely head over heels in love with me. But if so, then why does she still need the validation of her ex???

So, I broke up with her and basically told her I'd be willing to give her another chance but she has to earn back her spot in my life as a gf. She has to show me that she is ready to handle that and that she won't keep ****ing around.

Again giga, thanks for the response, and if you or anyone else has any more insight or ideas about how I should think about this or what to do, please dont hesitate to let me know.

[Gigabitch]

ts such a complex situation because I know I can't tell her what to do. And I don't want to.

Well, you aren't telling her what to do. You're telling her to do whatever she wants and making it clear what YOU will do.

Good on you, Ben. Please stick around here and help some of our "emotional tampon" guys who just lay down like doormats.

[carl1222]

Well, you aren't telling her what to do. You're telling her to do whatever she wants and making it clear what YOU will do.

Good on you, Ben. Please stick around here and help some of our "emotional tampon" guys who just lay down like doormats.

I think you are handling this perectly, Ben.

She's already subjected you to TWO breakupworthy events. 1) making out with another guy at a party (regardless of her motivation), and 2) agreeing to "hang out" with her ex behind your back. I assume that earning back her spot in your life as your girlfriend includes breaking off ALL contact with her ex.

Carl.

[Benjwah]

Yeah thats what I'm hoping will happen. And as to what Giga said about me not telling her what to do, its related to that. I've made it very clear that I think she's not over him all the way despite her claims that she is and that if she actually wants to get there, she has to stop letting him have a place, however small it is, in her life.

But I don't want to make a rule that she can't talk to him. I think thats just a setup for failure and prolonging the pain. If she can't do it herself then the same thing is gonna happen.

But what should my next steps be? Basically I told her we could go back to something like dating, where we can still hang out etc, and in my head I'm going to go back to being like I am w/o a serious gf. Hanging out w/ friends more, doing my own thing, I don't really want to date anyone else, but until I see how her actions illustrate how much she really wants us to work, I might start talking to someone else if I happen to meet someone.

Any thoughts on how to proceed?

Again, thanks for the help guys, its a great feeling to know that Im not completely off base here.

[Aeradalia]

Revenge is funny in that it is based on retribution of perceived emotional pain. However, emotions are intangible, abstract, and ever changing. So there can never be a true balance achieved when a person seeks revenge... because the perceived emotional pain just increases over time... so they have to work harder to make the other person 'suffer' in a fashion that is equivalent to this fluctuating value of pain.

Most do not realize that true revenge can never be achieved, until they have finally exhausted all their resources and still have not balanced out their pain with the others suffering. It is usually at that moment, they come to terms with the fact that revenge is unachievable and costly.

I hope this woman you love learns this lesson long before she exhausts all her resources... Love is so much more important than revenge ever could be.

[Gigabitch]

But I don't want to make a rule that she can't talk to him. I think thats just a setup for failure and prolonging the pain. If she can't do it herself then the same thing is gonna happen.

I very strongly disagree. The general consensus here is that the way to go after a breakup with someone that treated you badly is No Contact. It's the only way to detach yourself emotionally from that person.

I understand that you might not be the person to impose this upon her. She needs to hear it from someone not involved in the relationship. Send her over here and we can help her see the light!

[Cbrider]

Yeah, Ben. You should give her another chance, but not yet. I think you did the right thing by drawing a big line with her about her contact with her ex. That relationship isn't healthy, they're not "friends" and she has no business telling him she'd hang out with him.

I've seen so many of these "I broke up with my asshole boyfriend and I love my new one to pieces but I miss my ex" type-girls around here that I just don't believe her about intending to string him along. I think she had every intention of hanging out with him because, for some ****ed-up reason, nothing bonds like abuse.

Meh, that's another conversation.

Anyway, I think she'll probably run back to the dick now and learn that lesson again. Then, if she's not too ashamed, she'll come back to you., and if you're not too disgusted, you should take her back.

There's nothing wrong with rules, and I applaud you for not tolerating her irresponsible bullshit. if she calls you today, tell her to leave you alone until she's ready to get rid of her ex forever. No Facebook contact. No phone calls. Nothing.

Damn, that was a perfect post.



Ben, something I learned the hard way about laying down lines and rules......

I refused to put down rules for my ex, I felt like it was controlling and not right of me to do. Once you get burned you see that they aren't boundaries for her, just standards for you. You can't make her do anything, nor do you really want to, thats a decision she needs to make all by herself. Its something she needs to do to show that she respects YOU. Don't dwell on it, trust me I have done enough dwelling for the both of us.

[carl1222]

But I don't want to make a rule that she can't talk to him. I think thats just a setup for failure and prolonging the pain. If she can't do it herself then the same thing is gonna happen.

Ben, I think you're still missing the subtle difference between telling her what to do and telling her what you are not willing to accept.

Telling her what to do is controlling and futile. She will do what she chooses to do, and that choice is her right as an independent person. But nobody here has suggested that.

It works both ways though. She can't tell you not to leave her even if she maintains contact with her ex-boyfriend. That choice is YOUR right as an independent person. So all we're suggesting is that you tell her that you will break up with her if she continues being involved in any way with her ex. In essence, all you are doing is giving her a heads up on what YOU will do so she can make an informed choice.

Carl.

[Benjwah]

(I haven't figured out how to do that highlight quote thing)

"Once you get burned you see that they aren't boundaries for her, just standards for you. "

I really liked that. And in response to you and Giga, my thinking and I guess my question to you guys is, if I try to impose a rule like that or tell her to completely eliminate her ex, (which previously I kind of had but I never made any set rules like dont talk to your ex bc I thought it was too overbearing), I feel like I'm forcing her into it. I guess like giga said, maybe thats why she needs to hear it from someone else.

I guess I want her to take the steps to put me ahead of her ex without me forcing her to do it. Does that make sense?

I'm thinking of telling her about this thread to make her understand that she needs to stop it if she wants us to be together.

[Benjwah]

Started the last post before Carl's,

Thanks Carl, I think you are right in that in my head I was missing that point.

So then, you guys think its ok for me to tell her that I won't accept that behavior and if she wants to do that, its without me, and that's not being too unfair?

I think you guys are right. I need to make a set of expectations/what I cannot deal with from my significant other.

[Gigabitch]

I think telling her about it is a great idea. I've had my husband read threads about himself before. It was very helpful.

Question: do you really think that keeping in touch with him is somehow good for her healing process? IMO, it's the contact that prolongs the pain, not cutting it off.

[Benjwah]

No, I think its essential for her to cut off her ex in all aspects. No chance is it good for her. I guess I'm just disappointed because I thought she was over him and by responding to his msgs, it shows me that in someway shes not.

I want to be with her, but not if she still cares about her ex.

[carl1222]

(I haven't figured out how to do that highlight quote thing)

"Once you get burned you see that they aren't boundaries for her, just standards for you. "

I really liked that. And in response to you and Giga, my thinking and I guess my question to you guys is, if I try to impose a rule like that or tell her to completely eliminate her ex, (which previously I kind of had but I never made any set rules like dont talk to your ex bc I thought it was too overbearing), I feel like I'm forcing her into it. I guess like giga said, maybe thats why she needs to hear it from someone else.

I guess I want her to take the steps to put me ahead of her ex without me forcing her to do it. Does that make sense?

I'm thinking of telling her about this thread to make her understand that she needs to stop it if she wants us to be together.

I think you just summarized (bold part) what everyone has been telling you, Ben. Just let her know that and let her make her choice.

Carl.