My family hates my boyfriend and I do to... I think

[Jenny is LOST]

Hi everybody. I'm brand new here. I'm looking for advice. I'm actually seeing a shrink on Thursday for this, but could use your help too. I never saw a shrink before so this is kind of my practice.

I am literally in hell. I have to give you the quickest and most cut version of the relationship or else I'd be writing a novel, so here goes.

I'm 30 years old. Successful in my work. I lost 100 pounds in the last 2 years and I'm beautiful now. I spent my 20s fat and lonely. This relationship was pretty much my first real long term relationship since highschool. I live in a 5 bedroom house. My best friend of 15 years lives with me. Along with her brother and my mom - MEH! who I've been taking care of financially the last few years.

My mom is 52, single, addicted to high doses of clonazepam and I turned her into a Myspace junkie on accident. Plus her mouth never closes and she vomits exagerations of everything all the time.

So, my mother, who thinks she's Marilyn Monroe, reconnected with my brother's old best friend, Tyson/ her ex-boyfriend's son via Myspace. Turns out, he needed to come to the area to turn himself into jail for fraud charges 3-4 years ago. RED FLAG #1, I'm SO STUPID. Plus he wanted to see his 2 year old daughter again. RED FLAG #2.

He came the exact day I left for training program my work sent me to. I let him stay in my room. He was supposed to turn himself the day after I got back, BUT he injured himself on a 4-wheeling accident and delayed it... low and behold there turns out to be MANY reasons for his delaying the jail and never happens.

Anyway, there he was all injured and cute and bad. I was very attracted to him. We go to a party and BAM! He falls in LOVE with me. So I'm kind of gitty about the whole situation and tell my friends and family and they FREAK OUT! I'm the oldest at 30. My sister "B" is 28, My brother "J" is 26 (an overprotective ultimate fighter), and my siter "K" is 24. They all hate the idea and try to get him out of my house. I'm talking about threats to beat him up, call the police on him cuz of his warrants, etc. I get mad at them for overreacting and such and it turns into a big family battle... My best friend is sticking up for us the whole time. My mom fueling their fires the whole time with her gossip and exagerations. They were basing their opinions on his past and I was convinced and convincing them that he was a changed man.

Things calmed down with my family and they decided to give him a chance. I went to my sister B's birthday party and my whole family was there. He wasn't invited because they didn't "like" him but decided to leave me alone and let me make my own decisions. HOWEVER: he called me about 10 minutes after I got there and wanted me to go home. I told him I just got there and no, and he starts yelling at me. My family turns on their decision and freaks out again. I leave and they call the cops on him and we had to stay at hotels. I did all this because I was scared of him. Finally, my family found us and they called the cops and he was brought to jail. He somehow talked me into bailing him out. "If I didn't he was going to lose his job and be homeless and it's all my family's fault, etc." I know I was stupid for doing this.

We work things out and I end up telling my family this. They freak out again, we go into hiding for a month (hotels, rest stops, my house after everyone's sleeping). Finally, he gets his own place (a group home). Then he gets laid off and I have to support him financially. His family had cut him off.

So... the really messed up stuff begins to happen. And I know I've been going on awhile, so I'll be quick.

1) He wants me to stay with him every night.
2) He stops letting me use condoms because they "cut off his circulation" and doesn't let me go on birth control.
3) He eventually stops letting me go home. He takes my car and my phone while I'm at work and threatens to get me fired at work and tell my family our sex secrets if I leave.
4) He starts getting mean and freaks out on me over tiny things every night.
5) He won't let me go a day without having unprotected sex with him and admits he's trying to get me pregnant so I never leave him.
6) He tells me if I call the police he will mess up my world more than I can imagine... and knew where my family members live.

I freak out about all this, confide to my sister B about it and give her the address and a code word in case I can't call the police if I want to. We both are biding our time until his official go to jail date...

That wasn't good enough for my sister so she gives the address to my brother. I hear a knock at the door and I'm making dinner. One of the guys that lives there answers (a very nice man) and I hear my brother's voice. "I'm here to get my sister" He takes all my stuff out to my car and I'm out.

Tyson calls me non stop over and over and over and over.... appologizes over and over... admits to a drug problem (smoking oxy's) and tells me that's why he was acting the way he was. He was using my money for pills all that time.

NOW, I see him a couple times a week and talk to him every night. My head's so messed up about the whole situation. It wasn't all bad. I never felt so wanted in my life and we can have hilarious times together... but I'm over it. I want him to get help and he wants to be a better guy. I want him to be okay and happy, but it's never going to work for us.

I don't know how to get rid of him. I've broken up with him 10 times now and he always wins. I think I'm scared of his threats and I'm scared to get a restraining order because if his bad temper and what he might do. SO- that's my problem. Can you help?

[carl1222]

I want to say you are getting what you deserve, but it's harder than that.

You want to be a victim??? good luck.

Why do you want him??? And don't say "because I love him" ... that will make me puke!

Carl.

[Jenny is LOST]

I want to say you are getting what you deserve, but it's harder than that.

You want to be a victim??? good luck.

Why do you want him??? And don't say "because I love him" ... that will make me puke!

Carl.

No. I don't want him anymore. I want him away from me. It took time to sort things out in my mind. I am so confused. I never imagined someone could do this to me. For the longest time I wanted to work up the nerve to break it off with him and I did but he wouldn't let me. He just said no and wouldn't get out of my car or would make threats. If I thought a simple restraining order would work I'd do that. Of course I'd hurt but I know I'd be fine. I'm always the strong one, not the victim, but this time I think I was the victim. I was taken advantage of, manipulated, every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I know all this now, but he lives a block away from my work and it freaks me out. I know I would be much happier alone... and maybe again someday I'll find someone real and nice.

[Lite]

Yeah, so you've taken a step in seeing a therapist.

But, pretty much you need to tell him NO. That you're done w/ him, and you're moving on with your life. That he needs to get over it. He needs rehab and a life change that you're not willing to commit to...

Do some research, make an overnight bag that you keep in your car. Find out how to contact the local women's shelter. Find support groups for battered women.

You're pretty much where any abused girlfriend/spouse is. Steadily being put under more control by the abuser. Being married to a survivor of abuse I can tell you that you face a difficult road, and you're going to have to do things you find distasteful to protect yourself.

You may need to move, you may need to file a restraining order. You may need to be ready to call the police at any time. But all of that is far better than forever living in fear of your current situation. Oh, and have people walk you to your car each night. Security guard, co-worker, hell if you have to call the local police (Find their non 911 emergency number), explain the situation, give them where you work, and ask them to stay on the phone with you until you're safely in your car and on the way home. Call a family member and tell them you're walking to your car. Just have someone ready to call the police to come rescue your ass.

You're the only person who can take charge of your life and care for yourself.

[Jenny is LOST]

That's what I'm afraid of. I can't believe I was so stupid to get myself into this mess. If that is what it's going to take to get out then I guess I'm in for a difficult road ahead. Why can't he just leave?

[Lite]

I want to say you are getting what you deserve, but it's harder than that.

You want to be a victim??? good luck.

Why do you want him??? And don't say "because I love him" ... that will make me puke!

Carl.

Being an abuse victim involves a lot more than "because I love him", it involves systematic destruction of self esteem, self worth, and creating a general atmosphere of constant fear, pain, and lies. After a while you're just manipulated into believing you cannot live without the person, and every time you try to they make the situation more painful for you to show you "how weak you are" without them. Even though they're really the cause of the pain.

I've spent my fair share of nights sleeping on a friend's couch because her estranged husband was threatening to come murder her and the kids. One night he did actually come over, rather quietly. As he tried his key in the lock I racked the shotgun and he left.

Whether or not he had his gun with him, I don't know, but apparently he wasn't willing to take the risk that night.

[Lite]

That's what I'm afraid of. I can't believe I was so stupid to get myself into this mess. If that is what it's going to take to get out then I guess I'm in for a difficult road ahead. Why can't he just leave?

Because he's an egotistical ****tard that cannot accept that a woman actually has the right to say no? Because he's high as a ****ing kite? The why really doesn't matter so much as whether or not he has a history of hurting exes. He might not cross that line, but he very well might.

Just remember to buddy up and to let people actually help you. Don't be angry if someone refuses to, they're scared to and not everyone is willing to lay down their lives.

Pretty much you need abuse counseling and to physically distance yourself from him. If you had the money I'd suggest that you literally move to a different state, preferably near other family of yours. And in the future, listen to your friends and family. They may not always be right, but if ALL of them are telling you that you're an idiot, you're actually an idiot.

But, it's OK. You sound like you want to get better about that.

[carl1222]

No. I don't want him anymore. I want him away from me. It took time to sort things out in my mind. I am so confused. I never imagined someone could do this to me. For the longest time I wanted to work up the nerve to break it off with him and I did but he wouldn't let me. He just said no and wouldn't get out of my car or would make threats. If I thought a simple restraining order would work I'd do that. Of course I'd hurt but I know I'd be fine. I'm always the strong one, not the victim, but this time I think I was the victim. I was taken advantage of, manipulated, every word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I know all this now, but he lives a block away from my work and it freaks me out. I know I would be much happier alone... and maybe again someday I'll find someone real and nice.

Jenny...

The law is imperfect, but it's your only hope. Get a restraining order and if he breaks it, have him arrested on the spot. His only control over you is your fear. It sucks, but you have to overcome that fear by standing up to it.

Get agressive. If he works a block away ... stop him from going to work anymore. If he gets agressive in the least, put him in jail.

Reclaim your life.

Carl.

[Lite]

Jenny...

The law is imperfect, but it's your only hope. Get a restraining order and if he breaks it, have him arrested on the spot. His only control over you is your fear. It sucks, but you have to overcome that fear by standing up to it.

Get agressive. If he works a block away ... stop him from going to work anymore. If he gets agressive in the least, put him in jail.

Reclaim your life.

Carl.

Is he on probation for anything? Perhaps report that he's been seen using specific types of drugs so that they can test him and throw his ass in jail?

[Gigabitch]

My head is reeling. What a huge mess.

Look, Jenny, you have support. Use it. Let your brother and sisters help you. You have enough crap to deal with without the boyfriend (like your mom- yuck, another mess). Tyson is clearly able to bully you, so let your brother step in for a while. That's what brothers are for.

All you have to do is cut Tyson off. Really. He's feeding off of you, and as soon as he's really and truly detached from his source (you), he'll take his destructive act elsewhere. He's got the attention span of a gnat, I guarantee it.

[Jenny is LOST]

Thanks everyone. A lot of what you all said makes a lot of sense. I particularly like the comment about him having the attention span of a gnat. It's true. He does. I'm looking forward to seeing that therapist tomorrow.

It's crazy how much fear can take so much power over somebody. I know how much he's afraid of jail, so maybe I should just get the restraining order, and tell him I'm dead serious about following through with reporting him if he violates it. Once he gets that through his head then I think he'd probably leave me alone.

Then, once he got used to me not being around, he'd want to go home, clear to the other side of the country.

[vashti]

Can you move somewhere different for a while? It seems safer to just disappear. I don't trust drug addicts to behave predictably.

[ecojeanne]

i agree with vash, can you move away for a while, take some time off work(or even leave the job if you have to) can you possibly leave the country for a bit? just disappear with no possible way for him to contact you. you staying alive and away from him is much more important than your mom or your work right now. he's seriously crazy. ask your brother for help.

[richeanne]

well that's a pretty tough one. Just cut him off. change your number and yeah, if it's possible u should move out for awhile. Your life is probably at risk as long as he's on the loose and knows where you are. If he doesn't go to jail, he must end up at a rehab. Find a way to make that happen, that's the only way to make it safe for you and your family.

[Gigabitch]

Tell him you're moving to Florida. Then lay low for a while. He'll go to Florida, and get wrapped up in some other unfortunate female. Then all you have to do is use your caller ID forever more.

He'll probably always have moments where he tries to re-establish a connection. He'll call you randomly whenever he's feeling maudlin about how messed up his life is. If you just make sure you NEVER talk to him, make sure he doesn't even hear your voice, he'll eventually go away.

Change your cell phone number, by the way. Otherwise, he'll call and call, just to hear your voicemail recording.