Insecurity, Jealousy and The Future! Some Advice, Please?!

[mspandaroo]

After a 5 year break-up, about 9 months ago, I moved across the country to start fresh. I went on a date with this guy about a week after I moved here, and we hit it off instantly. Although I kind of liked him, I held back and went on a few other dates, I was definitely not ready to commit. But after a few more weeks of seeing him over and over again, we became really comfortable with each other and decided to be officially a couple. blah blah.

It's been almost 8 months since we have been together, and he is a wonderful man, he goes out of his way for me all of the time and treats me really good. The thing is, he never had a long term relationship before, and this guy is almost 30. I don't think anyone has ever communicated with him what his faults are in a relationship.

One thing that really upsets me is this girl he used to be in love with 2 years ago, whom would not give him a chance, but they still remained to be friends. He posts all these cute comments and pictures on her myspace and acts different when she is around, basically flirts with her every minute he gets. I have asked him about it, and he said that their relationship turned out to be just a friendship, but it still bothers me. I think it is abnormal to send flirty messages to a girl all day, even if she is just a friend. I know that jealousy can kill a relationship and it worries me because as we become closer, I feel more and more jealous.

Another thing is that I don't have many friends out here and I spend way too much time with him. I almost want to know what it is like to be single, so I don't feel jealous or upset and learn how to be more independent. Isn't that what everyone strives for? I feel like I didn't recover from my last relationship, as far as living the single life, but in some ways I am ready to settle down and get married. I am afraid I am spending too much time with someone whom I don't know will end up my husband. What do you guys think?

[ransom_nite]

Sit him down and re-explain that it's not right for him to be flirting with another girl, even if they are only friends, if he doesn't listen and continues to do so than cut him loose and see what else is out there, especially when you say you are ready to settle down but don't think he is necessarily the one.

[Cbrider]

You pretty much have two choices here: be his teacher or leave him.

Hes thirty and no one has pointed this stuff out to him yet. You have a right to get upset if hes returning the message, but if its just her sending him stuff theres not much he can do outside ignore it. I think its worth your time to point this stuff out to him IF you see yourself with him in the long run. If you don't or just feel like your rushing in/not being single long enough cut it off for you and him.

Don't marry someone you don't want to 100%.

[Gigabitch]

You pretty much have two choices here: be his teacher or leave him.

There it is. Welcome to my world.

If a guy is single for long enough, he gets really used to living by bachelor rules. He honestly doesn't understand that he's disrespecting your relationship by flirting with this other girl, and he probably doesn't understand about 600 other things.

I still have this problem with my husband, who had never had a super-serious relationship before he was 36. He is still learning very basic things, like not to call his ex-lover "sweetheart" when she calls. He doesn't mean anything by it, but it's still not okay.

You will have to deal with this stuff for the next 2-5 years. He's a grownup, but as far as relationships are concerned, he's a rookie. That doesn't mean it's not worth your time, though. You just have to brace yourself and look at the big picture.

So, is he worth it?

[raptor5618]

When are people going to realize that the way to work things out in a relationship is not going to happen by telling them what they have to do. You have no right to tell him what he can or cannot do.

But you do have a right to tell him how it makes you feel when you see his notes or see how he acts around her. By feelings I mean feelings hurt, insecure, etc.

Then it is up to him to decide if he wants to change his behavior so you do not feel that way. If he doesn't change all you need to consider is if you want to be with someone who continues to do things that make you feel the way you are feeling.

If you tell him to stop seeing her or talking to her well you pretty much are challenging his manhood which makes us men do stupid things.

So let him know how you feel and decide what you will accept and what you will not accept and this way what you do is based on you and not on him. If you decide to accept it I think your feelings will lessen because your actions are based on what you choose to do and not contingent on his actions.

[Gigabitch]

How about this, raptor: you can't whip out your dick and take a whiz all over the conference table at work.

Did that challenge your manhood?

Relationships have parameters. They are somewhat negotiable, but most of the rules are pretty basic and apply to both genders. What would you say if this were a girl flirting with her old crush? Would your answer be the same, that you can't tell her what to do because that would challenge her femininity?

[Lite]

When are people going to realize that the way to work things out in a relationship is not going to happen by telling them what they have to do. You have no right to tell him what he can or cannot do.

Actually, you DO have a right to tell a person what they can or cannot do if they expect to be in a relationship with you. You are responsible for enforcing that your needs are met, and that your boundaries are intact. You are responsible for communicating clearly and effectively that the other person has done something that you find either unacceptable or damaging to the relationship.

Either they will respect your feelings, needs, and opinions, or they won't. At which point you decide whether or not you want to further be in a relationship with the person.

So, while they have the right to do what they want. You have the right to hold them to your clearly laid out expectations of a partner.