Is it time to say "good bye" to a lazy friend?

[leadingedge04]

Hello. I met one of my friends at college about 2 and a half years ago. My then girlfriend and his then girlfriend were dorm roommates and the four of us use to all hang out, In December of 2006 the girls both broke up with us (it just kinda happened like that) and out of that event, me and my friend hung out. It gave us time to talk about things and ponder the "what ifs". Life was good to me and soon after I got a new job and I was able to move on quickly. The four of us all decided that that college wasn't right (My then gf dropping out completely, her roommie transferring, I got the job and put college on hold and my friend got put on academic probation). My friend was devastated about the break up and went into depression. During those few months his mother (who is mentally ill-this will come in a little later) fell on some ice and was in the hospital. His father passed away when he was little. My friend got a cyst on his neck and was also hospitalized.

I was there for my friend and we even set up a routine, On my days off we'd spend all day together drinking coffee, ordering fast food and watching wrestling and movies while just talking, it was fun. I use to let him borrow money which was a mistake I think. Somehow he can afford to buy big ticket items for his gf and dvds but can't buy a fast food meal. He feels that 5 months would be good timing to pay back the $30.00 he owes me. A few months goes by and his mother is out of the hospital and has to make a choice. She was set up in a "special apartment complex" and she could get a 2 bedroom apartment and keep her son but get rid of her two cats or get a 1 bedroom apartment and keep the cats. Yes, you guessed it, she kept the cats! On short notice my friend found a house who's owner rents out bedrooms and everything else in the house (kitchen, bathroom) is shared. My friend is 25 years old and lives with 5 or 6 guys in their 50's. I got a little busy with my new job and eventually started talking college classes again. He is paying a lot of money for just a small bedroom, about the same as a whole apartment would cost. Its a little weird there and one of the rules is you need to supply your own TP when you use the bathroom. I mentioned to him that we could get a place and it would be cheaper. I tried to explain the math and how much he could be saving but he didn't understand or want to understand. He replied that it would be nice but he just doesn't have the money right now. Umm.. It would be cheaper, and he'd be saving money so yes he does have the money. Part of me thinks that if his gf were to call and say "lets move in together" he'd do it in a hearbeat and would ditch any legal lease agreements and leave me with the mess and he didn't want to do that. Yes, after the devistating breakup he managed to meet a new girl. She puts up with the stuff that the other one didn't. He always use to say "ok are you sure you are ok with this and that" a million times and appolize if he did something wrong and live in fear that she'd breakup with him. The x couldn't stand it and I guess this new one puts up with it. I find it a little funny that its been almost two years and I have yet to meet this girl, oh well. Whenever we use to hang out he use to ask "sure we can hang out but can we go to the bank/grocery shopping/ etc etc first?" At first I went along with it and then I started to question this, was he just using me for my car? I called him on it and his response was "no, I'd never do that, I am hurt you'd think that." Fair enough.

More recently we've been hanging out at his mothers (and the cats) and I feel that he only wants to hang there because he can pig out on her food. Its a homecooked meal (kinda, its not the best and I am kinda grossed out by her cooking skills or lack there of). With winter coming and his mother living on the other side of town, I requested that during the winter months we hang out at his house. There is a hill thats kinda icy and I'd rather not drive there. I have the feeling he did not like that idea because he never texted me back. When we do hang at his mothers, his thing is he needs to call his girlfriend as soon as we get there and they talk for about 30 minutes. I find this pretty rude. Yes, I know we are friends but I am still company. He will have time to visit with her after, I don't stay that late. I've thought about saying something but would that be rude? He has a job that he doesn't like and often complains about it. I tell him to go find a new job but he's just too lazy. He says that he doesn't have time to but from what I gather he gets out of work at 5pm, goes home makes his dinner, talks to his girlfriend (they started dating a few months after the break up and hospitalization and now are engaged) and is in bed by 7pm. He lives right across from a library and I told him he can just walk over there and go on careerbuilder.com, monster.com or whatever else site but he just doesn't. He complains that he is limited because he doesn't have a car. I found him a bus! He says he's willing to try it but that was months ago and I'm sure he's still complaining.

A few weeks ago I did a little experiment. I noticed that I was the one to always text "Hows it going?" "Hey I'm free on so and so day want to hang out" so I stopped. How long will it take him to notice? It took two weeks and I get a text from him saying its unlike me not to keep in touch and asked if i was sick. Sure, it was kind of him but I told him that I don't have to be the one that always be the first to text. That aside I said (this was tuesday) that I'll be able to hang out on Thursday if he wanted to. No response. I got a little mad (the "here we go again") and Thursday morning I texted him and said "Not to be rude but you never responded so I guess we aren't hanging out today?" He said "Yeah, I know I've been sick". Oh ok I was thinking but it doesn't take much energy to send a quick text message.
He's a nice guy but I get very frustrated with him. His lack of motivation and desire for life gets to me and sometimes when we hang he gets me down. I've thought about screaming at him to get off his butt and get a new job but I know he won't appreciate that. I am not sure what he expects out of life and I have much more drive and desire than he does. Part of me thinks he no longer "needs me" now that he has his gf and doesn't want to say anything because we have been friends for a few years and we did go through the break up together. Another part of me thinks that yes, I am truly a great friend (he's said so) but I am not sure if he's just "saying that." I am not sure what to do. Just keep hanging out with him, shake off all the negativity when I leave his place and remind myself I am in a much better situation than him? I've tried numerous times to help him out even going so far as telling him to send me his resume and I'd send it out to job sites, He never emailed me his resume (surprise, surprise) but I noticed he had time to update his myspace. Should I say we are just too different and its been a nice run but I need to find some more motivated people to be around? Any suggestions? Thanks!

[vashti]

It's kind of hard to read that wall of words, so I admit freely that I merely skimmed.

Your friend sounds like a loser. Can't you do any better? What's in this friendship for you?

[leadingedge04]

Yes, I can do better. In fact, recently I got in touch with an old roommate after a few years. He is genuinely excited to see me, we have stimulating conversations and is just breathe of fresh air. I feel like I somehow feel "obligated" to stick around with the other friend because we went through a lot with the whole break up and it was sorta a "wow out of all this bad we got a good thing of a friendship" and how we would've never crossed if we both didn't date those girls. I am, however, cutting down on the texting, I decided he can text me if he wants me and we'll see how long it takes this time around and what excuses he has.

[vashti]

You know, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can still be his friend, even if you cut down on your interactions to allow time for other friends that you have more in common with.

[leadingedge04]

Hey, That is true but its more of me getting fustrated at everything he does (or what he doesn't do I guess). From chatting on the phone for 30-40 mins right when we meet to complaining about his job and not donig anything about it. I think maybe he's looking for "aww what a rough life you have" response from me. I just don't want to feel all negitive when I leave hanging out with him. Should I then just tell him my true feelings? "Hey, its your life and you are getting paid what the company feels you should be earning, you live across from a library go and apply to a different job and you can talk to your gf another day, we are hanging out so I find it rude." Or continue to just put up with it?

[Lite]

Get better friends.

[vashti]

Should I then just tell him my true feelings?

Well, I would. Negative people drain my energy, and I don't have much patience for whining.

[leadingedge04]

Yeah same here. I've stopped all texting, I mean last time we tried to set something up I didn't hear back. Not to start the "who is busier than who" game but I think he thinks its ok when he doesn't text back because he is oh so busy (thats a joke!) and its not ok when I do because I am sitting on the couch picking my nose all day not going to work and not taking 4 college classes (rolls eyes).


For those who didn't get it, I am working about 20 hrs a week and I am taking 4 college classes. He just works 40 hrs a week at a pretty easy job and goes home and feels bad for himself and pretends he's very busy to make himself feel a little better I think.

[Gigabitch]

Dude. You don't "break up" with your guy friends. Jeeze! Just find something else to do with your time. Maybe you should actually BE busy the next time you hear from him.

IMO, he's not the only lazy one in this friendship.