Lets get married.

[MzLadi]

yes i am seriously thinking about leaving. i tried just being happy with what we have but i keep feeling like i am cheating myself.

[Mish]

He has asked me to move in but i said no because i knew that i would never get a ring if i did. And he does his own place. Also, we did not plan on getting pregnant.

I think it was in bad form for you to refuse moving in with him and thus preventing him from exercising more thoroughly his duties as a father. I think you are depriving your child by doing this and you are being selfish by neglecting his needs.

Some scenarios to consider of what will happen if the two of you break up. How will you manage your time and resources to fully meet the needs of your child? I think maybe you need to work out some type of a matrix of likelihood of your child's needs being met by staying with him (either in marriage or no marriage) and by separating. Then you should weight them against one another and make a conclusion based on the result you get. It could be that the best case scenario for your child is for you to be with your partner and not marry at all until your kid grows up. If that's the result you get then you have a responsibility to stay and by leaving you can be considered an irresponsible mother.

In fact i was on birth control when we became pregnant.

Birth control pills are not enough to prevent pregnancy, you should've pushed for the condoms until marriage. Both condoms and birth control would most likely have been sufficient. I think you were partly responsible for the baby and this situation and you should accept your own contribution to it.

[lesa]

Well you are with him for life (or at least until the child becomes an adult) no matter what you decide to do.

Are you happy in the relationship?

Advice for this situation would be easy if there was no child involved. However, I can't imagine breaking up with the father of my child and a man that tells me he loves me but is not ready yet. In this situation I would give it time unless there is more to this story.

What would other men provide to you? Marriage? Would you rather have a bad marriage as long as you can get that title?

I really don't understand. Mistakes happen. Make sure that you are not making a bigger mistake.

I am highly curious about the details of this religious belief that you have.

[MzLadi]

I dont think that just because i refused to move in with him i am being selfish or punishing my child. He sees our son everyday and he keeps him every other weekend. He is a great dad and would continue to be if we were not together.

[Mish]

I dont think that just because i refused to move in with him i am being selfish or punishing my child.

You don't agree that your partner would be able to exercise his duties as a father more easily if he lived under one roof with his son?

He sees our son everyday and he keeps him every other weekend. He is a great dad and would continue to be if we were not together.

I'm glad that you find him to be a great dad, so think very carefully about what you will be doing to your child by depriving him from his great dad's attention if you carry out your decision to leave. Things WILL change after break up.

[lesa]

I dont think that just because i refused to move in with him i am being selfish or punishing my child. He sees our son everyday and he keeps him every other weekend. He is a great dad and would continue to be if we were not together.

Are you sure you are in a bf/gf relationship? You were with this man for about 4 years before getting pregnant and now is the time to breakup?

Never sex a person you are not willing to have a child and spend the rest of your life with.

This situation sounds incredibly selfish. You both sound selfish.

What are your religious beliefs regarding this situation?

[lesa]

It doesn't make sense. Move in with the love of your life and have a happy relatonship and family life. Be patient and he will marry you.

He WILL marry you unless something is wrong with this relationship. You are going to destroy it. Be the better person and compromise here. He will come to his senses, especially after spending time EVERYDAY with his loving little family.

Don't **** this up!

[bluesummer]

He may be seeing his Dad constantly, but he's still living like a child that's a product of a broken relationship. I mean, my nephew sees his Dad constantly too, but he KNOWS his parents aren't together. Don't you think this is going to affect him when he starts getting old enough to realize mommy and daddy don't live in the same house? It's a confusing message you're sending him.

You guys both have issues here you need to work out. First of all, what is his issue with marriage? This doesn't seem like a 'commitment' issue since he asked you to move in (which YOU refused) and he's been with you for five years and is contemplating another child with you. His issue just seems to be marriage in general. Maybe he doesn't ever want to get married? It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, maybe just that he doesn't believe in the necessity of marriage to bind a relationship.

As for this not living with him thing, I think you should reconsider. If you're not doing it because you think he won't marry you and you absolutely MUST get married to be happy, well that's your choice. If you're doing it to try and uphold some kind of moral standard about not living together until you're at least engaged, well I wouldn't worry about it. You've already had a kid before being married or living together, so morally you've got more wiggle room in terms of the sequence of events in your relationship. I'm sure it's not going to 'shock' anyone.

[IndiReloaded]

Just as a side note, your child's security and well being will be significantly more worse off if you break up with your partner now than if you continue staying with him (provided he is a good father).

I disagree. This would only be true, IF he made a firm commitment to her. Otherwise its extra instability. She could find a nice man who could help her create stability and security for her child.

[IndiReloaded]

I think it was in bad form for you to refuse moving in with him and thus preventing him from exercising more thoroughly his duties as a father. I think you are depriving your child by doing this and you are being selfish by neglecting his needs.

+1

I missed this part. Didn't realize he wants you to move in together.

I think you should move in with him, even if you don't get a ring. In the US (and Canada) if you live together (esp if you have a child), then you will be considered the equivalent of *legally* married anyway. Common Law. I think you need to be cohabitating for 1 year, tho the laws may vary. Find out.

If things don't get better or progress, you can decide to leave after this point and still have the legal protection that being common law will provide.

[vashti]

Tell him what you need, and get rid of him if he won't give it to you. Do it before you get knocked up again.

[Mish]

I disagree. This would only be true, IF he made a firm commitment to her. Otherwise its extra instability. She could find a nice man who could help her create stability and security for her child.

A firm commitment has already been made by having a child Indi, I don't see marriage as testament of even firmer commitment (I think we already had a discussion about that). Marriage doesn't increase commitment, it doesn't increase that which is already there. Personally, I think people who get married in order to increase their commitment have deep seated insecurities and probably shouldn't get married until they are resolved.

She could find a nice man or she could find a bad man or no man at all. Before doing any of that she needs to be certain that what she's doing she is doing in favour of her child not against him and it doesn't seem like that's what she's doing at the moment.

[lesa]

There must be more to this story. The OP would rather end the otherwise "happy" yet dramatic relationship than reach some type of compromise.

Living together, although not married, seems to me to be much better than breaking up.

Argh, I swear I will probably never marry or have children. This situation makes no sense. It's full of dramatic and selfish people. The relatonship is a happy one is it not?

No matter, I can tell from the original post that the OP really wants to end it because she is not married.

They have a child together and usually you want to think very carefully in those situations.

[IndiReloaded]

Do it before you get knocked up again.

Well, Mish, Vash makes a really, really good argument here^, tho.

[lesa]

If the boyfriend would just marry her, she would be satisfied. She is just embarrassed that she did not follow the order of a "proper relationship". It's time to grow up and be realistic now.

Maybe an abusive man will propose and make her happy.