Would greatly appreciate advice on my relationship

[Azzmatic]

Hi everyone this is my first thread. Thank you for reading. I would like to get some advice on what I should do in this crazy situation i'm in.

So me and my gf have been together for about 3 months now. She has 2 kids, one 6 and one 2.

I moved in very quickly with her, she did not want me to leave ever, so I kind of naturally just ended up staying every night. Things have been good, until maybe 10 days ago.

Her crazy baby daddy from prison got out and has been spending time with her. She constantly says that she does not want to be with him, that she only wants him for the kids, etc. I think that she is in-between fear of this guy, wanting her kids to be able to spend time with their actual dad, but not wanting to be around him personally. He constantly talks about me and how he wants to do harm to me, and how she belongs to him and he will be the guy in the bushes stalking her. She says she is afraid of making him too angry to where he will actually do anything, so she can't really cut him out.

About a week before he got out of prison, I had to watch my sister, so I was living with my sister for 2 weeks. She absolutely hated how I agreed to help my parents, and she said I abandoned her.

This ended, and I want to go back, but now this guy is around and if I'm around the same time, she says that will not be good. He has a history of beating her, breaking in through the windows, etc. I spent the night there last night, and my tire was slashed by the neighbors, which are another problem. They are his friends and do not want me over. Their house is directly next to her house. I have no proof or anything that they slashed it, but I'm not stupid either. They were also outside yelling that they are going to have the baby daddy come over, and one of them when they came inside told my gf that they are going to knock me out, so put the kids in the room. One thing I dont like is how they have been like for months now, but my gf will not cease contact with them. They come and knock on the door all time, and she will ignore them, but they just keep coming and coming.

She is also beginning to say that she doesnt know if i'm ready for the whole package, meaning her kids. It's true, I dont love them or anything, but I've only been with her for 3 months. Is'nt it too early to tell? I think the baby daddy and his friends also always constantly bring up all the negative things about me. She says she is getting sick of sticking up for me all the time when I'm not even there for her. They tell her that I dont love the kids, I wasnt even there on Christmas, I dont care about her, etc.

I think I do love her, and it hurts me alot when I'm not with her. I try to trust her and understand that she has kids and they ask to see their dad, but sometimes I really dont like it that he's been over there, even staying overnight. I'm pretty sure they dont do anything romantically, as she tells me, and I've no reason to not believe her, but she says he constantly tries to touch her and cries to her and tells her she is his, etc.

I am beginning to think that the best solution is to find an apartment and move there with her (I've been staying at my parents house, I have a room there). But in the back of my mind I am kind of afraid that things might not work between us. She has been ignoring my calls alot, and letting off a text that "I miss you", etc, because she is afraid of the baby daddy and he gets very angry when he sees her talking to me.

Do you think that if I love her I should dive in and I should just get an apartment, and take her out of this stressful potentially dangerous environment? She tells me that is what I should do, and that we can run away there together. She even says that she wants to go out of state with me. I don't know what to do... it's 9 AM i've been up reading these boards for hours now, she got mad at me yesterday because I had leave to let my mom use my car because it was my dad's car that the tire got slashed... she said I left her.

You may think that I should call the cops, but they can't do anything as he hasnt done anything. I have no proof that his friends slashed my tire, and the things he's saying about me he will just deny. My gf is scared that he will retaliate and hurt her really bad, then finally AFTER something happens the cops will be able to do something. Its just a crazy situation i'm in.

[Gigabitch]

Dude. If you're not sure that you're ready for "the whole package", you have no business moving in with her.

Put the babydaddy stuff aside for one minute and look at the real issue- you have a volatile, emotionally tangled mess on your hands. If it were just her, it would be one thing, but there are little kids involved. Figure out what the hell you're doing and DO it- either be there or not.

If I were you, I'd step back from this disaster, and not because her ex is a psycho but because she's invited this psycho who has a history of BEATING her into her house. She is clearly not done with this guy, so she's not ready for you.

[Azzmatic]

If I were you, I'd step back from this disaster, and not because her ex is a psycho but because she's invited this psycho who has a history of BEATING her into her house. She is clearly not done with this guy, so she's not ready for you.

Thank you for your reply.

I thought so too, but I don't know what to do either. If I care for her, AND her kids, should'nt I not stop them from seeing their dad? I'm apart of this tangled mess as well. The kids ask to see their dad, and she does not have a car, so the guy rides the bus in the snow to come see the kids.

And can you actually ever be done with your kid's father? Is accepting the kids mean I have to accept the fact they want to see their ex-con crazy baby daddy that constantly says that "I will get whats coming to me"? This is such a mess.

[Gigabitch]

If I care for her, AND her kids, should'nt I not stop them from seeing their dad?

Actually, you shouldn't have anything to do with it. That's between them. Unfortunately, I disagree with her choice. I've never been a big fan of parental rights for violent stalker-types. To explain a bit, I should tell you that I grew up in a scary, violent environment that my mother said she stayed in "for the kids, because kids need a father". Thanks, mom.

There's probably no reasoning with her.

[vashti]

Actually, I think you'd be an idiot to stick around with the psycho ex threatening you. She needs to make a life for herself far away from him if she wants to be rid of him, which clearly she doesn't.

this is a disater in the making. Get yourself out of it.

[Azzmatic]

Actually, I think you'd be an idiot to stick around with the psycho ex threatening you. She needs to make a life for herself far away from him if she wants to be rid of him, which clearly she doesn't.

this is a disater in the making. Get yourself out of it.

She says she really does want to move away, and she will, although it does bother her that the kids might grow up one day and ask about their dad and she will tell them that she had to pack up her stuff and move.

I feel that if I love her I shouldnt just leave her because things are stressfull. Should I get a place, dont tell anyone about it, and move in there with her?

[vashti]

No. You don't love her kids, and they are a package deal. You shouldn't have gotten yourself so involved so quickly to begin with.

I think you should just let her go.

[Azzmatic]

Just got some more information.

She just called me crying telling me she didnt answer all last night because the baby daddy was over, threatening to kill me, her daughter got scared and asked to goto her grandmas, and that shes scared for me because they have my dad's license plate number and they can get a address off it and may come do something to my parents. She said she loves me and is torn between wanting to be with me and letting me go so I can have a normal life without crazy people threatening me.
I asked why she just didnt kick him out, she says she's been down this path many times, that the situation would explode, cops would be over in no time, the kids would be traumatized, etc.

Man. Maybe I should be in a law enforcement forum or something.

I mean, like you guys say, just leaving her would be the easy thing to do, but it doesnt feel right, leaving someone I love just because someone is criminally threatening me and I might get harmed. I really feel like, and maybe its because I'm a man, that I should be there for her.

[vashti]

Ugh, white knight syndrome. Honestly, it sounds like you need to be hit up side the head with a brick to get it through your skull. This is all going nowhere good. You are putting yourself in jeopardy. You are not a hero; you are a sucker if you continue, and she has no intention of leaving this all behind. She had the opportunity when he was in jail, and she waited around for him to come back instead.

I feel really sorry for her kids.