Why men or women emotionally cheat?

[pythongrace]

Is it because they are not emotionally pampered at home? or is it because they lack self esteem that they crave every attention they can get? or both?

[lesa]

It could be both for some people. Some reports say that they lack it at home. I can't recall but I think one study said that couples who live together only talk to each other for about 10 or 20 minutes per day. If forget but it was very low. Crazy huh? We become so busy that we think we spoke to our partners because we are around them but in fact we really haven't.

We talk to our co-workers more in some cases!

EDIT: I mean emotional intimacy mainly.

[Bo]

some get bored easily. there are just too many factors to pinpoint anything really and as we all know every relationship is different!! must not forget that, too bad we live in a world full of selfish ppl.

[lesa]

Is it selfish if you feel miserable at home...every single day? For months and years?

When you are a couple it requires two people to keep it going well. People change and relationships change.

[vashti]

Honestly, I don't really understand some of you unmarried people. This is your warning bell ringing! If people can't manage to remain loyal during a BF/GF relationship, they damn sure aren't going to be able to do it in a long term marriage. Just move on and be grateful you found out before you got married and had kids.

[lesa]

The report I read was of married couples. Hopefully the bf/gf would not have this experience when married because they would have broken up (before marriage) for cheating...hopefully.

People change and some feel it's okay to change or not work so hard for the relationship now that they are married. That's a big mistake in my opinion.

[IndiReloaded]

Is it selfish if you feel miserable at home...every single day? For months and years?

When you are a couple it requires two people to keep it going well. People change and relationships change.

Its usually neither (for the OP). Its b/c of a breakdown in good communication, or the lack of a solid foundation of such to begin with. Partners then get frustrated, feel neglected and get caught in a negative spiral. If someone doesn't break it, one or both end up cheating and/or they break up/divorce.

As Lesa said, it requires two ppl to keep things going well, tho only one person to make things a complete mess.

[Bo]

That was besides the point but what i meant by selfish is that for some reason most ppl tend to stay in the relationship when they aren't happy and cheat, OR they don't want to let go of what they have and still cheat...in other words there are just a lot of selfish ppl.

[IndiReloaded]

Sure, there are lots of selfish ppl. But these things are usually more complex than "oh they are a scummy cheater". Nothing happens in a vacuum.

That said, there ARE ppl who have no business being in a 'committed' relationship, b/c they just aren't prepared for what that means. Which was Vash's point, in case you didn't understand. Is that what you are pondering? Why such ppl bother?

[lesa]

Yeah, I don't understand cheaters (especially the ones with no children together-sorry to say it like that). I guess it's too hard for the cheater to just leave.

It's complicated I am sure. I never want to experience it. I hurt just imagining that.

The term selfish is also complicated. It can be good and bad. It depends on the situation. I used to use that word often to mean bad but now I think a little may be good.

[Bo]

oh i didn't mean vash! it was more toward lesa "Is it selfish if you feel miserable at home...every single day? For months and years?". It's not selfish to be miserable in the relationship for months and years, or what not, but it's selfish to stay in it which is their choice. So technically it's their choice to stay miserable...being selfish IS necessary for your own happiness at times. But not when it's at the expense of others.

[IndiReloaded]

But what happens when one needs to weigh one's personal happiness with say, those of young children?

In that case, I'm not sure you can so easily dismiss a person's choice to stay 'selfishly' in a miserable relationship when it means their children are happy.

As I say, its often more complicated than you suggest. Tho, if the couple doesn't have kids, then I would agree with you. The desperately unhappy person should split before they choose to cheat.

[Indignant]

But what happens when one needs to weigh one's personal happiness with say, those of young children?

In that case, I'm not sure you can so easily dismiss a person's choice to stay 'selfishly' in a miserable relationship when it means their children are happy.

As I say, its often more complicated than you suggest. Tho, if the couple doesn't have kids, then I would agree with you. The desperately unhappy person should split before they choose to cheat.

and when I said that previously you totally bashed me.

[Bo]

I honestly don't think any children would be happy if their parents aren't happy. Children are never happy in a home that includes cheating parents which i'm sure causes arguments/fights....all kinds of chaos. And when they're young they don't really understand, can't blame them for that but if they knew the reasons and were old enough to understand i think in the long-run they'd be much better off with separate parents who are happy.

[lesa]

Bare with me as my dyslexia starts acting up hehe. There was so many ways to interpret your first post Bo that mine was just one of them.

As Indi stated, it is very complicated. No relationship with have happiness 24/7 (you know this). Also, it is not healthy to expect your partner to keep you happy. Your job in a relationship is to remain a partnership and to keep the communication going. When problems occur, most couple don't want to quickly give up and end the relationship (but that depends on the issues, dealbreakers, etc).

My old relationship had no cheating but we were distracted with many things and began to lose that partnership and was going back to being mostly individuals (aka selfish?). If we had stayed, (because we want to save the relationship (aka unselfish?) then who knows what would have happen. We were already mostly selfish because of poor communication and dissatisfaction.

What can the married couple do in that situation?

It's comlicated no matter the solution.