Long Distance and Open Relationships

[javen2867]

About a year ago I met a girl online. We got along great, we quickly became close, we met in person and sparks flew. Problem is, there's about a 1000 mile gap between us. We've had the relationship talk and it was decided that trying a long distance thing would just be too difficult, so really the whole thing is in limbo. We've never been official, but whenever we visit one another, we essentially conduct ourselves as a couple. We also agreed that if either of us were to find someone we liked who was more local, that we wouldn't pass it by just for the sake of our would-be relationship. This was fine for a while, until she actually DID start dating someone. Needless to say, it's pretty difficult to see the girl of my dreams with another guy. I don't blame her, or the guy, and I don't want to split them up, I just don't know what I should be focusing on. I don't want to get over her because she's amazing, but I don't want to feel jealous or inadequate, either. Should I tell her how much it upsets me, or focus on finding someone of my own so I can forget about her? Or should I just stop letting it affect me so much?

[Lite]

Some people are wired for open relationships, and some people aren't. If you're not, then why would you put yourself through that?

[starbuck]

I can see that you were probably trying to be realistic when you both agreed to see other people on the side, but at some point, didn't you think that this scenario would be a very distinct possibility? And now that it is, you'll just have to accept it (preferably with some grace). No use in telling her that you're upset about something you already agreed that she could do without remorse.

As for the open relationship, if it's not what you want, don't settle. She may be the most amazing girl on earth, but are you really going to be able to handle her being with another guy in the flesh, while you're still talking to her on the computer? Seems like a lonely road to me.

I'd start putting your needs first at this point, and break it off with her quite honestly.

[javen2867]

I can see that you were probably trying to be realistic when you both agreed to see other people on the side, but at some point, didn't you think that this scenario would be a very distinct possibility? And now that it is, you'll just have to accept it (preferably with some grace). No use in telling her that you're upset about something you already agreed that she could do without remorse.

As for the open relationship, if it's not what you want, don't settle. She may be the most amazing girl on earth, but are you really going to be able to handle her being with another guy in the flesh, while you're still talking to her on the computer? Seems like a lonely road to me.

I'd start putting your needs first at this point, and break it off with her quite honestly.

We're best friends and neither of us wanted to screw that up, so we figured rationality was the way to go. She's done the long distance thing before and hated it, and not seeing her for months on end sucks enough for me without it being an exclusive relationship. I knew what could very well happen, but I figured if I approached the situation with a clear, rational head that it wouldn't be so bad. When everything went down, though, I found I couldn't help my gut reaction. I don't want to feel this way, I'd much rather get over it one way or another. But I also don't want to start dating someone else simply because the one I really want is unavailable. That's also settling, and it's not fair to me, or the person I'm seeing. That leaves the option of finding someone better, but unfortunately that doesn't tend to happen on command and I'm afraid how I feel about this girl is presenting a very real road block in terms of how I view other potential dates.

[starbuck]

I knew what could very well happen, but I figured if I approached the situation with a clear, rational head that it wouldn't be so bad. When everything went down, though, I found I couldn't help my gut reaction. I don't want to feel this way, I'd much rather get over it one way or another. But I also don't want to start dating someone else simply because the one I really want is unavailable. That's also settling, and it's not fair to me, or the person I'm seeing. That leaves the option of finding someone better, but unfortunately that doesn't tend to happen on command and I'm afraid how I feel about this girl is presenting a very real road block in terms of how I view other potential dates.

No, that is actually not settling. It's called moving on. She is unavailable. Sure, it sucks. Of course, it's not what you want. And no, it's not fair. But these things happen.

You can try to wait around for her to drop him (no guarantees that this will happen), but I have a feeling that this is going to wear on your patience alot.

The roadblock is there because you put it there. Moving on from her emotionally will help you remove it in some time. It hurts, hun, but the hurt will wear off eventually.

[lesa]

It is fair. It was part of the agreement, correct? In the future never agree if you don't agree.

[lesa]

But I also don't want to start dating someone else simply because the one I really want is unavailable. That's also settling, and it's not fair to me, or the person I'm seeing. That leaves the option of finding someone better, but unfortunately that doesn't tend to happen on command and I'm afraid how I feel about this girl is presenting a very real road block in terms of how I view other potential dates.

I'm sorry to say but I think it is necessary: If she thought that you were worth the distance you guys would still be together. She has already decided that the distance and her fondness of you was not worth a relationship. You are feeling this way because she found someone else before you?

It doesn't matter how you feel about her, it's how she feels about you. She answered it.

She hates long distance relationships and she gave this deal, and yet you still agreed. I say deal with it with some class.

[Bo]

lesa is right you agreed to it and u can't take it back now. i mean u could wait around for her but that's a waste of time.

[javen2867]

It wasn't something she suggested and I simply went along with. We had the talk months ago when we realized that we both liked eachother, but that kind of distance isn't something you can get around very easily. In the end we decided we would stay close, and if circumstances ever changed we would see where we stood, but until then if something else comes along, we're free to pursue it. Honestly if she broke up with him tomorrow and said she wanted to be together I would say no, because the distance would sour the relationship.

[lesa]

Okay??????

[starbuck]

Sounds like you just need to let her go at this point, Javen.