Have i done something wrong? gf just went on a break.

[DannyEss]

hi. not had the best christmas and this has just topped it off. I have/had been with my gf since september 2005 and i love her and she means the world to me. Up until september just gone everything was great. however ive just found out my gf hasnt been happy. Il tell the whole story so i may get some better feedback.


A few weeks/month ago we had a little 'arguement' which was about her seeing her mates. im 21 and shes 20. i have never stopped her seeing her mates as i dont want to get in the way. Anyway for a few weeks we would be sorting something to do (to go out somewhere) when nearly on the last minute she would said she forgot that her mates wanted her to go with them, so i would let her as we would still normally see each other the next day. This happened a few times which i got abit annoyed with but didnt say too much about to her.

Then a few weeks later and and it happened again and i got really annoyed. It was a saturday. Was just getting ready to see her when she texted me telling me her mate wanted her to go out with them on the same night, but they would only be going out at about 10pm so id still get to see her for a few hours. I told her theres no point seeing each other that night because half the night will be her getting ready and il just be stuck watching TV on my own. she begged me to go so i did. 10pm came and i went home and she went out but i wasnt happy as we hardly spoke, i admit i can sometimes overreact and go abit too moody.

Next day i told her i was sorry just that i would have minded some idea this was going on so i didnt gear myself up to see her. she then said she doesnt want to choose between me and her friends and i told her that i know she doesnt and ive never made her just that id like to be told abit earlier if she is going out with mates. That was that and i thought we were getting back to the happiness again.

Now forward a month or so to december of this year. I was trying to find somewhere to go for new years eve as we normally just go to someones house instead of paying silly prices. tried to find a hotel somewhere to have a nice few days away but everything was priced quite high so we came to the decision to do something like that in february for my 22nd birthday. I asked her if she wanted to do anything else and she kept saying she doesnt know but then said her mates want her to go out on christmas eve, boxing day and new years eve which would mean i would be left on my own for these days.

now i dont have many mates to do all this stuff with like her as i lost pretty much all of them because of a previous relationship. so i just said that she might aswel go out with them on them 3 days expecting her to say 'no i want to see you aswel' but she didnt. so we sort of went arguing again. i told her that i wanted to spend new years eve with her because wanted to see in the new year together and couldnt we all have gone out together but she said it was just 4 of her girl mates going. so over christmas ive been miserable and abit depressed because i havent really seen her.

came mine christmas day but i could tell things werent ok. asked her if she was ok and she just said she was so i left it. couldnt sleep last night because ive been worried ive done something major wrong and worrying we were going to split up. so at about 2am i emailed her asking her whats wrong, if ive done anything wrong etc. Get a text this afternoon from her saying she hasnt been happy the past few months because she thinks she has to pick between me and her mates so she wants some time to think about it all and sort her head out. I was obviously devastated and pretty much begged her to let me talk to her to see whats wrong but she doesnt want to yet and wants a few days alone.

however i got a few texts out of her and i thought it was because all her mates are single so she thinks shes missing out on that stuff but she said no and said her head was getting messed up more because i have been telling her i love her alot more than usual which i was abit confused about. I thought telling someone you loved them was meant to be good?

She hadnt been happy the past months and me telling her i loved her made it even worse apparently. i really wanted to see her tonight to actually talk it over as its easier to do it like that than on a text but she said no just leave it a few days.

i am so upset at the moment that its all going to end and im going to be left with nothing. Just want to know your thoughts on this and see if ive done anything majorly wrong?

Was even thinking of asking her to marry me next year for her 21st as she hinted about it this year but i didnt want to as thought it was abit too early but was even sorting it all out. Just dont want to be without her and its hurting thinking i will.

Sorry, its abit long but id just like some advice if anyone wouldnt mind?

Thanks

ps. i dont know if its in the correct section?

[Gigabitch]

I understand that it's challenging to let her just go off, but you have GOT to loosen your grip on her or she's going to panic and flee.

Get some hobbies. Get some friends. The girl needs breathing room.

[DannyEss]

ive not been smothering her. ive said ive never stopped her doing anything with her mates or whoever she wanted. but shes gone on a break because ive said i love her :/

[Gigabitch]

Yes, I heard you. You just didn't hear HER. Remember what she said about having to choose between you and her friends? You have to listen to her, Danny, she's telling you everything in plain English.

[DannyEss]

i dont get what you mean. whats plain english about it? shes never had to choose :/

[Gigabitch]

Get a text this afternoon from her saying she hasnt been happy the past few months because she thinks she has to pick between me and her mates so she wants some time to think about it all and sort her head out.

This is plain English.

Look, I think she's being pretty rotten about it and very disrespectful of your relationship with the way she keeps changing plans last-minute, but that's really beside the point. The point is, she's not happy. She's given you a reason. I don't know if that's the REAL reason or if it's the ONLY reason, but I think it's a good place to start.

[DannyEss]

yeah shes not been happy because ive been moaning about our plans being changed.

but is me letting her go actually making her choose? she doesnt really seem to choose, more just goes out with them. But when you love someone i guess you let things go like this?

[Lite]

Dear doormat, stop letting her wipe her feet on you. You're her boyfriend. Either she makes you a priority in her life and works to INCLUDE you in her time w/ her mates at least 50% of the time, or she's just using you emotionally.

Grow a spine so that when you find a real woman she will respect you.

Do you honestly feel like you're in a good relationship if you feel this way about a girlfriend who is absent most of the time, and is more than willing to ditch plans with you to hang out w/ others?

Sounds like she's in search of the BBD (that's Bigger Better Deal) and more often than not you aren't it.

[DannyEss]

its only been the last months though its not like its been all the 3 years.

[Lite]

its only been the last months though its not like its been all the 3 years.

And that somehow excuses her poor behavior and ability to communicate her needs and what isn't being met? Seriously, grow a spine. You need to end this behavior from her for YOUR SAKE not for the sake of the relationship.

Either you stand up for yourself, or you don't. If you don't, you invite her to further not address her issues by pushing them off onto you via her negative actions.

[DannyEss]

well when/if she talks to me again about the relationship then il talk to her about it as i cant do much if she just wants to think for the next few days.

Killing me this though

[Lite]

Killing me this though

Why are you sitting at home moping? I understand that it hurts to lose someone that you care about, but do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who has demonstrated that they do not want to be in a relationship with you? Bid her farewell, wish her the best, and move on with YOUR LIFE.

Go to a movie, spend time with your friends, talk to family. And learn to let the pain go.

[DannyEss]

we're only on a break. where has she said she doesnt want to be with me?

or is that what it means when a girl wants to go on a break is that she doesnt want you anymore?

[Lite]

we're only on a break. where has she said she doesnt want to be with me?

or is that what it means when a girl wants to go on a break is that she doesnt want you anymore?

I have never found a reason to not treat a break as a break up. Either you're a couple, or you're not. Do you honestly think that in a month or so she is going to have magically resolved her issues that are causing her to behave in the manner that she is? Do you think that a month is enough time for you to emotionally heal from the pain her behavior has caused you, and for you to have improved yourself?

Either you are actively working to fix a relationship, or you're not. When one person wants "a break" and it isn't marriage seeking distance and clarity, it's usually because the other person is out dating someone else and you're being treated as their backup.

Are you someone's backup plan? Are you OK with being the second choice?

I'm not saying she IS doing it, but that it is likely she is...or soon will be at least.

[damn2008]

Lite has got it straight. Obviously she is living two lives and for some reason does not want to include you in the one with her friends. Typically in relationships...well mature ones, I would expect that if my s/o and I were together for a long time that we would get to know each other's friends and be involved in that part of our lives.

You are both young and often times I've seen some people really try to split themselves away from the relationships of the past as they grow older...they want to see and experience new things and it's obvious she is doing that with her friends and you might be a part that is holding her back emotionally, physically, whatever...and she is going to let you go,dude.

Lite is also right with the "break"...typically when a girl wants a "break"...you might as well treat it as a break-up.