How much of your sexual History do you tell your SO?

[sarah_rsl]

I was much more sexually experienced than my husband when we met. As he's not ever going to sleep with anyone else and as there's certain things we don't do sexually I'm going to remain the more experienced.

Early on in the relationship I told him in general the various things I've done, just to be up front. Basically I made clear that i enjoyed the vast majority of them that I wasn't ashamed of anything, I was in a relationship with him now and I was willing to move on.

A little while ago he asked me about what happened when I had group sex, I'm fairly certain the idea didn't really arouse him (he's quite up front even when he shouldn't be .. bless him) but he was curious and looking for me to fill in the details.

I just told him myself and a mate had sex with 3 blokes one time, and that if he wanted any details on group sex he should research it himself (in a book).Anywho afterwards I thought again about it and seeing he seemed genuinely curious and it hadn't been an unpleasant experience for me I described it to him.

It was a fairly interesting conversation. Like I said the idea of group sex didn't appeal to him but he said he was interested in that side of my life before I met him. I have slowly from time to time answered other questions he's asked but I'm uncertain where to set the limit.

Anywho what does everybody else think?

[Gigabitch]

I see no reason why you shouldn't tell him everything, since he's asking and you seem to be able to do it in such a way that he doesn't feel that he suffers in comparison.

It's about HOW you say these things, about presenting them as just things that happened and not something that you miss.

[starbuck]

In a way, your past is your business, but for a serious relationship I think full disclosure is the best. It's only respectful, and you'd want to know about his history, right? And you don't sound ashamed of it, which is good.

I also think that in general one shouldn't do things they'd be afraid to eventually tell his/her significant other. (I'm lookin' at you DM).

[sarah_rsl]

In a way, your past is your business, but for a serious relationship I think full disclosure is the best. It's only respectful, and you'd want to know about his history, right? And you don't sound ashamed of it, which is good.

To be honest he doesn't really have much of a sexual history, when I met him he was in an 8 year relationship with this complete weirdo who had all sorts of funny ideas, which included carefully rationing sex.

At the beginning when it was just kicks and giggles I enjoyed playing the slutty nympho and trying to shock him, but after we got married I decided it would be more appropriate to make at least token efforts to become a little more ladylike. Anywho I'm just not entirely sure how reciting the details of my previous sexual encounters meshes with my new lifestyle.

[Gigabitch]

Well, what, exactly is there that he doesn't already know?

[starbuck]

To be honest he doesn't really have much of a sexual history, when I met him he was in an 8 year relationship with this complete weirdo who had all sorts of funny ideas, which included carefully rationing sex.

At the beginning when it was just kicks and giggles I enjoyed playing the slutty nympho and trying to shock him, but after we got married I decided it would be more appropriate to make at least token efforts to become a little more ladylike. Anywho I'm just not entirely sure how reciting the details of my previous sexual encounters meshes with my new lifestyle.

You certainly don't need to go into EVERY gory detail, but maybe you should just let him ask the questions and then answer honestly. Otherwise he may think you're hiding something.

Be "ladylike" if it's what you want to be. But I wouldn't worry too much about conforming to his standards. As you said, he loves you for who you are now. Maybe he misses the slutty nympho a bit and that's why he's asking?

[sarah_rsl]

You certainly don't need to go into EVERY gory detail, but maybe you should just let him ask the questions and then answer honestly. Otherwise he may think you're hiding something.

Be "ladylike" if it's what you want to be. But I wouldn't worry too much about conforming to his standards. As you said, he loves you for who you are now. Maybe he misses the slutty nympho a bit and that's why he's asking?

Well basically things have changed a lot since we got married. Thats not to imply that the changes have been bad. When we met I was in the army and us getting married wasn't really compatible with my staying so I left, and rather than take another job the deal was that I'd just do the whole housewife thing.

For the year while I was stil in the army I was the needy sex crazed girlfriend who'd keep threatening to dump him unless he'd drop whatever he was doing to come and give me a seeing too. I think he kind of enjoyed this phase cause the whole relationship was out of character for him, the shrew he dumped after meeting him was big into the whole passive aggressive, emotional blackmail thing whereas my acting up was a bit more straight forward.

Anywho that's a bit tongue in cheek perhaps but only a little bit, since we got married I've done my best to adjust to my new circumstances, which why his questions kind of phased me.

To be honest they weren't even in relation to my sexual history, he was reading about group sex in some novel, got curious so with his logical mind decided to ask someone he knew who had, had group sex in the past. Luckily for him she was in the same bed as him. I doubt he'd even considered how appropriate it was.

[Gigabitch]

Getting married means that you start a new stage in your life but it doesn't mean that you become a different person. He likes your sexuality and it sounds like he always has- why change?

Keep the doors of communication open- hiding things can be really hurtful. If there's no reason to keep things from him, and it sounds like there isn't, you should always answer his questions honestly.

[vashti]

Meh, I would have suggested you keep your past to yourself, and only divulge bits of your sexual history on a "needs to know" basis. Most men have issues about their women having sex with other men, especially if they enjoyed it. I just don't think they tell us about it.

[Lite]

Well, figure he's probably your standard male when it comes to is basic emotional physiology. Which means he's insecure about being a good husband, insecure about being a good mate, insecure about being a good provider, and insecure about pleasing you in the bedroom.

So, he asks questions and is curious because he wants to make sure that you're happy with him as a husband, which definitely includes his ability to keep you well pleased in the bedroom. So, perhaps he worries that perhaps you're not getting the variety that you need to stay happy long-term.

Or, perhaps he's just genuinely curious about your sexual past. Or perhaps he's just a kinky bastard and wants spank-bank material because he secretly gets off on the thought of you being "wild" and "naughty"?

Unless he uses that information against you in a negative manner or takes it as a personal failing of his, I don't see any reason to not continue to answer his questions.

I'm not sure there is such a thing as full disclosure. Some people really don't remember everything they've ever done in their lives sexually.

[vashti]

I think you should be asking yourself what he REALLY wants to know: is it genuinely about how great and varied sex was with other men, or is it really more about whether or not he can satisfy you? Then I would answer accordingly.

[Lite]

Meh, I would have suggested you keep your past to yourself, and only divulge bits of your sexual history on a "needs to know" basis. Most men have issues about their women having sex with other men, especially if they enjoyed it. I just don't think they tell us about it.

Many men are very well aware of the fact that they aren't very good in bed. Why they don't bother to do something about it I cannot really explain very well. Lack of an ability to express empathy is probably part of it...

It's all kind of intertwined into the details surrounding patriarchy, using one's penis as a measure of power, and the fact that men are just generally very insecure creatures to begin with while socially they're not allowed to actually show this. Thus, when it does peek through, it's because there is a massive amount of suppressed insecurity at that point.

[vashti]

Sure, I'd go for that explanation. ^^

[Gigabitch]

The thing is, it's too late to keep all of this stuff to herself. If she starts trying to sweep all of these things under the rug because it's no longer "appropriate", he's likely to come to some unfortunate conclusions about her reasons for doing so.

I imagine he would be flattered that her sexuality isn't diminished by their relationship.

[vashti]

I imagine he would be flattered that her sexuality isn't diminished by their relationship.

I hope so. I guess that wasn't ever my experience, so I have a hard time imagining it that way. But maybe her man is less a baby than the ones I used to date.