Fear of Loss

[Sureality]

I need help and advice dealing with my fear of loss. Now this is sometimes a fear of lossing what I have or a fear of lossing what don't and causes me to be unhealthy (e.g. low or no confidence, anxiety, fear of rejection, unhealthy procrastination, avoidance etc.). These are sometimes overwhelming and are causing problems that can affect my overall functionality.

I only have this fear with things that are important to me (e.g. my home, my Mom, the woman I feel I love but don't have, a chance for a family and happy life etc.). Sometimes the fear is grounded in reality for example my mother was diagnosed with Cancer (she is cancer free atm) or fantasy for example the woman I feel I love and I haven't been in a relationship for 4 years and I'm sure I'm in love with the her from back then, we can't be in a relationship right now regardless (i.e a fantasy).

These are the two most sigificant examples for me right now but there are some others too. I don't have this fear about everything important to me, for example I don't fear losing my brother or the trip to Italy with my sister that I want to take.

I'm very happy with who I am and pretty selfaware but that's really made me see some things that aren't healthy and are causing me unhappiness. I'm looking for advice from all quarters right now so please weigh in.

[lost1976]

You need something thats invisible. You need faith. Faith will heal you because its not tangible.

Trust that there's a bigger plan than your life or those you love. I am not talking religion. Have faith.

[Lite]

Sounds like you're just generally insecure and have anxiety problems. Ever consider seeing a therapist?

[doppelgaenger]

Losing is a part of life.

Just pretend it isn't.

[Sureality]

Thank you all very much for the advice so far

'You need faith...

I'm a very spiritual person and faith is something I have most of the time. Right now I feel like I have less and that is part of the issue. I'm not sure how to get it back.

Sounds like you're just generally insecure and have anxiety problems. Ever consider seeing a therapist?

Yes, therapy has helped but I feel like getting advice from friends, family, strangers, professionals and everyday folks is important to me right now. It's also important for me to note that I feel quite a bit less insecure than I feel secure and even far less anxious probably about 5 or 6 times in the last 10 years it is never completely sustained, the longest frequent recurrence was maybe a month the average several days, though when it happens it seems like its happening forever, and it is only involving romantic relationships. I realized this in reflection after reading your comment. Looking back lets say over the last 10 Years I have been in basically these overall states of being (this is oversimplified but captures a broad picture of how I've been)

Insecure, Guard up, wanting nothing, Unhappy
Insecure, Guard down, wanting more, Unhappy
Secure, Guard down, wanting more, Happy
Secure, Guard down, wanting nothing, Happy
Secure, Guard up, wanting more, Unhappy
Secure, Guard up, wanting nothing, Unhappy

Any comments or discussion about this would be appreciated

Losing is a part of life.

Just pretend it isn't.

This is pretty a simple concept and my first reaction is it would be hard for me but maybe not, I'll try this.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, we can start by looking at those 6 states you describe.

Have you analyzed the patterns? Noticed how your state of 'want' is independent of happiness?

That means, assuming it is correct, that you can remove that variable from your thinking.

That leaves:

Security = happiness
and
Guard down = happiness

I would encourage you to make a list of things that you feel will contribute to 'Security' and 'Guard down' and then focus on those things.

You should also realize that it is normal for these things to fluctuate. Noone ever truly achieves absolute security & always has their guard down all the time.

See where this takes you & post again if it helps.

[lesa]

Losing is a part of life.

Just pretend it isn't.

Hehe, yeah also just tell yourself that you could be dead.

[Sureality]

Still working on the excercise of listing things that lead to me feeling Secure and things that lead to me letting my guard down. but for some reason I thought that listing the states I've seen myself in in order of my preference would be helpful in leading to something useful. Maybe, maybe not but here goes none the less.

0 Insecure, Guard up, wanting nothing, Unhappy
1 Secure, Guard up, wanting nothing, Unhappy
2 Secure, Guard up, wanting more, Unhappy
3 Insecure, Guard down, wanting more, Unhappy
4 Secure, Guard down, wanting more, Happy
5 Secure, Guard down, wanting nothing, Happy

These are in order of least desirable 0 to most desirable 5.
By the way I should note that I am in State 3 very close to state 4 (it seems just out of reach and sometimes I even catch it but it slips away) right now.

[Sureality]

Hehe, yeah also just tell yourself that you could be dead.

Unfortunately that's never worked for me except as a sort of dark joke when I'm in a very good place, but I appreciate the advice.

[Sureality]

Ok so I finished the excercise regarding the things that bring me security and help me keep my guard down.
It was actually a little hard and these may overlap.

Security
Being able to help someone
Connecting with someone, like even sharing a simple conversation with a total stranger
Openness of others with me
Those I care about are in good health
Affection (most powerful when given by me or directed at me but even just seeing a mom hug her child in the supermarket makes me feel more secure)
Acceptance [being Non-judgmental] (again most powerful when I am accepted but witnessing it among gives me a sense of security)

Guard Down
Overcoming my fears: Face it, Acting, Accepting the Result (good or bad)
Intimacy with someone else (the more intense the intimacy the more my guard falls)
Helping someone else
Trusting someone else
Humor
Laughing
Smiling and being smiled at
Listening
Accepting situations and people
Being Myself

[boobaa]

don't be so insecure

yeah, how exactly do you help someone just by saying this? Worst advice ever -- "don't be yourself"

[Sureality]

don't be so insecure

Thanks Vanessa, I understand your sentiment. I will be less insecure.

[lovesjoyajm]

4 Secure, Guard down, wanting more, Happy
5 Secure, Guard down, wanting nothing, Happy

These are in order of least desirable 0 to most desirable 5.

Why is "wanting nothing" more desirable than "wanting more"? How can you make any progress in life if you want nothing?

[Sureality]

I should clarify, 'wanting for nothing' may be a better description. In one case I am completely accepting of what I have and in the other I feel that though I am happy there is something more for me to attain or achieve. State 5 is always fleeting and I can't remember feeling it for more than a few days after some significant accomplishment. It's kind of the celebration state.

[IndiReloaded]

By the way I should note that I am in State 3 very close to state 4 (it seems just out of reach and sometimes I even catch it but it slips away) right now.

3 Insecure, Guard down, wanting more, Unhappy

4 Secure, Guard down, wanting more, Happy

Okay, well if this is true, then your issue is with security, right? You need to get from 3 -----> 4. The only variable is Insecure to Secure.

So, next step: choose your 'Top 3' things important for security. Think hard about this and be honest with yourself. Then write down all the things in your life you can image would help you with each of those 3 things. It can be things already in your life, or things you imagine would help. I like to use things like Venn diagrams for this, but a simple list will work.

THEN, circle (or somehow mark) the things that you already have in your life. Or make a list. This should help you see is two things: what you already have and can appreciate/improve and what you need to look for or try to achieve.

Its a lot of work, I know. But you've already learned a lot haven't you? Once you have this list, you just need to make a plan to go and get those things you want. That's goal setting. That's how ppl get things they want in life.

Hope this helps.