Girlfriend Cheated on Me

[JD111]

I realize there are many posts on this site regarding this topic, if all of you could read and please give me your advice on what I should do I would greatly appreciate it.

I have been dating a girl for a year and a half. In July she went to a camp and hooked up with a counselor within the first 2 days of being there, and hooked up 3 times in the 5 days of being there. She did not previously know this guy, and while they hooked up both were sober. They both claim that they made out on every occasion, she grinded on his lap when they were on a chair and she proceeded to unzip his pants and give him a blowjob. On the last day of the camp, during the morning, they snuck off and went to a stairway in the dorms. While making out with him she continually tried to drag him in the laundry room where she could shut the door. She had told him that she wanted to have sex with him. He wouldn't comply. He also mentioned that she let him play with her clit. Once she came back from camp I knew immediately something was up. She stayed at my house the night after camp, I found through the history log on my computer that she was looking up and down this guy's facebook photo's and page.

Following my finding this out I confronted her and she continued to deny this and lie (literally 50-100 times). This lying persisted all the way up until last night. 5 months of lying to my face. I gave her numerous chances to tell me the truth, I said if she did, I'd be willing to try and work through this. She continued with her lying.

He has said that she definitely liked him more, told him countless times how much she wished he didn't have a girlfriend and, that if he broke up with his girlfriend in a year, she would leave me for him. Other thing's involved were them talking nearly every day for the following three weeks of camp. She had said that he always talked about eating her out and having sex and she always told him that she'd enjoy that. She also snuck behind my back and went to a friends to go on her webcam where she pulled down her pants and played with herself while he was playing with himself. According to her they talked over webcam 5-10 times. There are several other thing's involved, including text messages, aol instant messaging, etc. Another issue I have is that over this past summer I had several opportunities with other girls where I could have very easily hooked up, and some potentially date... and she is aware of this. However I have been faithful the entire time which makes it difficult. I have told her that I would never cheat on her or hurt her, so her doing this is painful and very disrespectful.


To get to the point, my girlfriend cheated on me both physically (making out on a few occasions, gave him a blowjob, let him play with her, told him he liked him better and would leave me for him, told him to break up with his girlfriend and that she wanted to have sex with him), and emotionally. To make matters worse they had talked for roughly a month and a half where they were engaging one another as early couples do. They were "seeing" one another. She was emotionally attached to this guy and was starting to fall. I believe they stopped talking because he finally realized how much he liked his girlfriend and didn't want to chance that relationship. He claims he wants to marry his girlfriend. Bottom line is, had he given her the chance and was single at the time, he said that she would have left me for him, without question.

I feel as though I'm second fiddle to him, and now that she can't have him she is begging for me back. She claims that she loves me so much and wouldn't be able to go on without me. And I know she does love me very much. I think she loves me a great deal, that doesn't mean that she is "in love" with me. She also told me she loved me long before that incident, and during their affair. Can I trust someone who has done all of that, on top of lying to me almost 100 times. My trust is broken. Completely. And I have very little idea of what to do. Next year she is heading off to college and will have many more opportunities over a much longer time period. I tell her that she doesn't understand how much she will change and that college is like a buffet. There will be many guys that she will find attractive, cute, funny that she will have crushes on. She claims she would never, ever cheat on me again. How can I believe her? How am I supposed to trust her?

Part of me wants to take her back because I do care for her a great deal. She's very attractive, funny and has a great personality. We get along fantastically. However the last five months have been a complete disaster. She wants me back, I think I should move on. Am I setting myself up for a complete disaster? I ask her to answer how her feelings suddenly were lost for this guy, and her only response is "because I love you." That just isn't enough reason for me. Would you give her another chance? Would you ever trust her again? Any responses would be appreciated. Thank you!

[Cbrider]

You're an idiot if you take her back, sorry dude but its for your own good that I say it.

This wasn't a one time deal. Cheating is as low as you can go in my book, but I also understand human nature and that people aren't perfect. She had no intention of being faithful at all, it wasn't like she pulled away or had a change of heart...she stopped only after he did.

Talk is easy, you can tell people whatever they want to hear, showing them through action is what matters, she failed.....multiple times. She doesn't love you, she just has a need for attachment and you're all she has left at the moment. You may care about her, but did she care about you when she unzipped his pants?

For your own good and self respect you NEED to drop this girl and drop her now. Theres no working through this, she doesn't give a damn about you.

Edit: Its easy for me to say not being in your position, but believe me. There is some beautiful girl out there that WANTS to be the light of your life and WANTS to love you till death do you part. Settle for nothing less than what you deserve.

[lesa]

Whoa that's horrible. Where did you find this sleezy piece of....? Leave her in the trash where she belongs.

[Bo]

u might not want to but u should leave her. she let some guy fiddle her **** and lied for 5 months about it? are u sure this is the only time she's cheated? and it was still continuing via messages webcam a month and a half after? ya......i don't know what else to tell u..

[boobaa]

Next time she comes into your house, make sure you have packed everything that belongs to her and leave themm near the door. As she comes in, have sex with somebody.

[Lite]

OK, so you have insecurity issues to address along with immaturity ones due to the fact that you went snooping. She has fidelity issues.

Why the hell would you want to be with her? Kick her ass to the curb and go find someone else. If you don't hold people responsible for cheating, they'll never learn and they're going to just end up hurting you again, or someone else.

What's so difficult to understand about that concept?

[JD111]

Not understanding the hostility of this last message... what concept of your simple advice did I not already address? Secondly, you can call it what you will, but if someone cheated on me I want to know. I'm not a person that likes to hide behind things and be delusional about what happened. It happened, I've dealt with it very well, and frankly since I found out everything it's helped me move on much, much easier. Insecurity issues would probably stem from being cheated on, yes. Pretty normal and natural thing. Immaturity? Not so much. Not at all an immature human being. Thanks for the insight.

[Bo]

i could understand why u snooped since u obviously sensed something was up. But i think everyone on here will tell u that she's one filthy ****. so u should just leave her...it's the only sensible thing to do...your choice whether or not u do it. how long were u two together before she did this?

[Lite]

Insecurity issues would probably stem from being cheated on, yes. Pretty normal and natural thing. Immaturity? Not so much. Not at all an immature human being. Thanks for the insight.

So you've been cheated on previously? You were insecure, and based upon her behavior you snooped. Which suggests immaturity as well.

And, trust me, that's not hostile. Just low tolerance for people making excuses for their behavioral issues.

[excowho]

Dude forget all the comments about immaturity and what not. Because in your situation anyone would of "snooped" it would of been stupid not to. I agree that there's a need for privacy. But as soon as your emotional in risk or liable theres only one place to get solid answers. Despite what anyone says you did what you had to. Knowledge is power.

So use this power to end this thing how it should. This relationship will never be able to go anywhere in the state its in. So keep your dignity and give it up.

[Lite]

I agree that there's a need for privacy. But as soon as your emotional in risk or liable theres only one place to get solid answers.

So use this power to end this thing how it should. This relationship will never be able to go anywhere in the state its in. So keep your dignity and give it up.

So, what you're saying is that trust, morals, and boundaries should only be observed until they're no longer convenient to you? Look, snooping is snooping, even if you're justified retroactively.

Knowledge is power? Is that what relationships are about? Exercising of power, I've heard other such cliches such as Love is War but I've never actually had to exercise some sort of intellectual "power" to lord over a relationship.

I'd suggest he keep his dignity and end it, but he gave that up when he gave in to his insecurities. It's too late to take the high road when he's already that far along the low one.

Power, high road... You basically didn't break down anything he said into subtext and meaning, you gave him generic platitudes in the form of cliches. I'm surprised you didn't tell him to make like a tree and leaf.

[excowho]

So, what you're saying is that trust, morals, and boundaries should only be observed until they're no longer convenient to you? Look, snooping is snooping, even if you're justified retroactively.

Knowledge is power? Is that what relationships are about? Exercising of power, I've heard other such cliches such as Love is War but I've never actually had to exercise some sort of intellectual "power" to lord over a relationship.

I'd suggest he keep his dignity and end it, but he gave that up when he gave in to his insecurities. It's too late to take the high road when he's already that far along the low one.

Power, high road... You basically didn't break down anything he said into subtext and meaning, you gave him generic platitudes in the form of cliches. I'm surprised you didn't tell him to make like a tree and leaf.

I guess I must not have your moral fibers. Or your naivite Lite.

Trust, boundries and morals should be maintained and "observed" as long as both parties are "observing" them. By your definition you wouldn't hit someone that was beating you to death because its wrong to hit others.

Knowledge is power, in any situation in no matter what you do in life. Without knowledge you'd be a rock. Knowledge means he knows what she did, therefore he has the "power" to end this now.

And what high road is he supposed to take when she tore down every road with a ****ing hurricane of lies and deception?

If your the kind of person that lies on the ground and takes a beating because someone told you to, thats fine, and you know what at the end of the day someone might say you have a lot of morals because of it, but you wont be able to get back up on your own two feet.

Someday we may all be perfect little angels, until then the more someone knows about a situation the more control they have over it and they can make more educated decisions, then basing everything off of fairy tale morals and ideals.

[Lite]

I guess I must not have your moral fibers. Or your naivite Lite.

Trust, boundries and morals should be maintained and "observed" as long as both parties are "observing" them. By your definition you wouldn't hit someone that was beating you to death because its wrong to hit others.

Ah yes, I'm full of naivete. I'm done some pretty awful things in my life, but that doesn't mean I don't own up to them fully being my own failures in judgment, reason, and timely decision making.

Yep, which is great but he had no actual proof that she had done anything, merely a suspicion. It wasn't like she said, "I cheated on you," and then he snooped to find out details. Either way snooping is snooping, and if you want to take the moral high road as you encouraged him, you don't do such things.

Pretty much he broke her trust to find out that she broke his.

I don't believe one should take such transgressions lying down, but certainly I don't claim to be morally right if I've snooped on someone. I also don't use their behaviors, ill or no, to justify my behaviors. My behaviors are just that, mine.

The problem is he cross that line and snooped. The fact that he was proven correct that she cheated is only going to further undermine his general faith in women being faithful in relationships. That is what I called him on, because that is what is going to hurt him the most going forward after this relationship exploded in his face.

And having been the person, lying on the ground of my own volition, taking the emotional beating at the hands of someone else, I can certainly say that you do have the strength to stand back up and go on. But, again, what it proved to me was that I needed better tools in my life to handle such situations, it didn't justify any of my poor choices.

And it was hardly a hurricane of lies and deception. She boffed one guy, and she didn't have the testicular fortitude to just end the relationship with him. That's it. She didn't steal his money, she didn't key his car, she didn't burn his house to the ground. She cheated, he feels shitty, he kicks her ass to the curb and goes on.

[lesa]

Is this argument about when she was at his house using his computer and he checks his computer history and finds that she was on facebook looking up th guys she just cheated on him with???

The poor guy has no nerves to end his relationship but at least he got the nerves to look at his computer history page. A least he could do that. And he has every right to do it--especially for his situation.

Hah, I had a job that probably did more than that to the work computers. I know because a doc got fired for porn (plus other things, but trying to stay on topic). I wouldn't dare put private info in my work email or my work cellular phone.

[excowho]

And it was hardly a hurricane of lies and deception. She boffed one guy, and she didn't have the testicular fortitude to just end the relationship with him. That's it. She didn't steal his money, she didn't key his car, she didn't burn his house to the ground. She cheated, he feels shitty, he kicks her ass to the curb and goes on.

Well before we start arguing the same point. I'd like to say that the origins of his initial "suspicions" are a little unclear. Going back to his post however he says this:

Once she came back from camp I knew immediately something was up. She stayed at my house the night after camp, I found through the history log on my computer that she was looking up and down this guy's facebook photo's and page.

How can you snoop on someone on your own computer? He didn't go out of his way, merely typing in "facebook" in my URL bar shows a list of links to facebook some being peoples profiles, that would count as history. But I don't want to argue semantics because they're not important.

I never stated snooping was right, I just stated that its not always worth beating yourself up over something you've done that isn't "perfect". Everyone makes choices, I would have made the same choice as him. Wether or not that makes me a lesser person I guess is a matter of perspective.
But I'm a strong believer of "you have to look out for yourself, because no one else will." because I've lived through that saying over and over again.
I don't think in his case it was wrong to "snoop" if thats even what it was on his part. Seems as if he had talked to the councellor however.

And I would much rather have personal belongings burned to the ground, or keyed or whatever else could be done to said thing. Then have a girlfriend of 2 years cheat on me. But maybe you just haven't experienced, or don't invest as much into relationships as others do. You can rebuild a house, paint a scratched car. But losing something like a 2 year relationship in that manner isn't as easy to repair.