Sister in Law

[Indignant]

he seems really scattered, even in writing. i can't even imagine what he'd be like in real life.

[IndiReloaded]

Actually, I give Connor a lot of credit for coming on here and at least trying to get a new viewpoint on his problem. Its more than a lot of ppl would do, even his wife, apparently.

[Indignant]

Actually, I give Connor a lot of credit for coming on here and at least trying to get a new viewpoint on his problem. Its more than a lot of ppl would do, even his wife, apparently.

you never know, maybe she has already infiltrated LF

[IndiReloaded]

That would be good if so. It would be good to hear her side of things, especially as regards the sex. As Mish suggests, one assumes she wasn't always the 'prude' Connor suggests. Which means they need to sort out whatever changed and then problem solved.

[Connor 45]

no she wasnt thats true !

[lesa]

There should be a name for this. I hear of it too much. Maybe "After Baby Syndrome" or "After Birth Syndrome"? And it is abbreviated ABS (like anti-lock braking system) so that when men look it up they will remember to not quickly break or give up the relationship after the baby is born but to take it easy (slow) and help ease the mother during this joyful yet stressful time. Allow her to be a mother and neglect (a little bit) her wife duties until she adjusts. And at the same time he becomes a romantic and give her a little spousal time without the children around. Allow the wife to see the husband as a man working through parenthood together. Don't just ask or expect sex whenever you are horny. Get some romance skills dude. You can do it!

BTW, you are being neglected because she may see you as someone to take care of instead of being teammates on the same level. I hear women say that sometimes their husbands feel like children to them. Don't let it feel that way to her.

[IndiReloaded]

There should be a name for this. I hear of it too much.

Its called being married, Lesa. Not playing at it, like Connor & his wife, actually BEING married.

Too few realize that marriage requires much work and tending to, just like a job. The early stages of a relationship, esp when there is a good match, is the easy part. Things just seem to 'click', effortlessly. But even great matches require effort to keep the relationship growing and moving forward. And not too many ppl realize this today in our disposable society. They look for the quick fix when things get tough, thinking that someone else, someone new, will have the answers for them. Too undeveloped to realize all they are doing is just repeating the same stages they have already been through with someone new. No real progress gets made unless you truly value commitment & are willing to work for it.

Sorry Connor, but that is how I see you. You have a decent relationship with a decent woman. There is no abuse, or serious unresolvable problems that I can tell. You simply lack resolve to truly work hard to make things better. You are lazy and lack commitment.

[Connor 45]

Ok i take your point that may be true ???

however are you saying its all my fault ...????????im the one trying to talk here and work things out ...........to say im lazy and lack commitment is not true i am here trying to find answers to my problems that i cant talk about !!!!!!!if i didn't give a **** i would not even think about coming on some thing like this !!!!!!!!
i think your playing the woman card here !!!!!!!!!

[IndiReloaded]

i think your playing the woman card here !!!!!!!!!

What the hell is a woman card?

I've been married for over 15 years, Connor, to the same man. We've been together for 20. Think we haven't had issues over the years?

I'm playing the experience card, man. And my husband would say the exact thing about you, FWIW. Lazy (mentally) and lacking commitment. If you want things to get better, then do those things to make it better. Stop focussing on what's wrong without purpose. If you want to give up, then do that. But don't be deluded thinking that these problems won't come up with another woman. Either way, just do it already.

BTW, I already said I give you credit for coming here and posting your problem. But I don't really see you DOING anything about it.

[Connor 45]

sorry i don't see how im lazy ????????????

i am the one trying here ........i am the one that can see the problems which we need to solve ! .....so less of the abuse please !

[IndiReloaded]

So, what steps have you taken WITH YOUR WIFE, to improve the situation?

[Mish]

They look for the quick fix when things get tough

Damn you Indi! I thought that was a viable strategy for most problems in life

[Aeradalia]

To Conner 45 I want to say that I think it was very wise of you to seek another perspective on your current situation. I also think it was exceptionally brave of you to endure all these women while still trying to hold on to what you thought was right (whether or not it actually was). These are both good qualities... realizing that you feel something 'not quite right' and are looking for help... and standing up for what you believe in.

From what I gather, it seems that women (who are emotional creatures anyway) become emotionally overwhelmed and drained by pregnancy, birth, and then the new addition to the family. In her mind she just doesn't have the emotional resources to care for you... everyone else... and the baby as well. So she's going to prioritize and that means the baby comes first because the baby is the most helpless (and the maternal bond too). Fair to you or not... these are the instincts in play at the moment... not a whole lot she can really do about it. The only good thing about all of this is that she will recover emotionally in time and will be able to spread her affections more evenly throughout the family (including you) as the baby becomes less of an immediate concern.

The really good news is that you have an opportunity here to do many things to help your situation. This is your moment to shine! Just as overwhelmed you are... imagine how overwhelmed she is. She needs help... needs someone to help with the emotional burden and the new labors within the marriage --- that someone could be you. This is a prime opportunity to demonstrate that you are caring, affectionate, and devoted to her --- thus alleviating any concerns she may have that you are growing distant... and to associate positive things with you when she sees you (i.e.. ah.. finally relief! Help is here!).

I understand that she is being very negative to you right now... and under normal circumstances that would probably be inappropriate, but she is very stressed right now. And when we are stressed we tend to take our frustrations out on the ones we love. It's not fair and it's not right, but it happens. In time she may come to realize this... but right now is not that time. Right now, she needs you... she honestly needs you.

When this roller coaster of an emotional whirlwind finally passes (much faster if you help and lighten the load for her)... then she will have time to think of you and your needs. Patience and perseverance is the key here. I know you can do this because you already have good traits... just need to put them to good use. Use them to improve your relationship for her, you, and the kids. Because they are all you have... and could be all you ever really need in life.

As for the sister-in-law... you are stressed and looking for an 'easy way out.' Your mind is tired and just wants a 'quick fix.' Just something to make it all go away. In your mind, whether you realize it or not, you are looking at your wife... stressed and unpleasant at the moment (but understandably so)... and her sister... pleasant and not stressed. You yearn for the pleasant and not stressed... but be warned --- things are not always as they seem. Your first clue is that she is taking interest in you now... in this time when your wife needs you most! It is an act of cruelty to your wife... which means she is capable of other cruelties... including to you.

So as a recap... help your wife through this by lightening the load... use this to improve how your wife sees you (so you appear more positive to her)... forget about the sister-in-law, there's nothing there but more pain... and after your wife has calmed down and everything seemingly returns to normal... then you can discuss your feelings with your wife. But at the moment, everything is more or less in a state of emergency, and she needs you.

I know women can be pains in the @sses and we don't always make sense (immediately), but there's a way through this. Other men have survived this... so this isn't impossible. It's just going to involve hard work. Nobody ever said having children would be easy.

[Dating Port]

Connor, I'm newhere but read all the way through because this is interesting. One thing you can do to help your relationship with your wife is to cut down on what seems to be a lot of free time with her sister. It sounds as if you two are forming a bond of companions and this stems from familiarity. That is a bad road if you want to keep yur marriage intact. Make a concious effort to help and be around yur wife more. The more she sees this, the less negative she is inclined to become.

[IndiReloaded]

Connor, I'm newhere but read all the way through because this is interesting. One thing you can do to help your relationship with your wife is to cut down on what seems to be a lot of free time with her sister. It sounds as if you two are forming a bond of companions and this stems from familiarity. That is a bad road if you want to keep yur marriage intact. Make a concious effort to help and be around yur wife more. The more she sees this, the less negative she is inclined to become.

Good point. I wonder, with the modern communication devices that we have today, that you can't do something similar with your wife, DP?

Tho, in your case it actually sounds like you've consciously decided not to? Not judging, just understanding the mindset of rationalizing your own actions to the advice given to Connor.