i know i'm going to get bashed but...

[ilikebuttons]

this is not the first time i've had feelings for another guy during my long term relationship, but luckily nothing has ever happened the previous times. this time, i feel like the guy is also kind of interested but is hasitant because he knows i'm in a relationship. i'm kind of afraid because this time, something could actually happen.. i know the guy that i'm currently in a relationship with is someone that i want to marry but i guess its because i've only dated 2 guys before, i not really satisfied with not knowing what else is out there. i dont want to break up with him, but he has not agreed to any open relationships the previous times i asked (years ago). i wouldnt dare to bring up something like that this far along the way.
so my question is, does everyone in a long term relationship develope crushes along the way that just subsides or is this not normal??

does anyone believe in what the person doesnt know cant hurt him or am i just being selfish and a bitch? (i think i kind of know the answer to this one, but i need a wake up call)

any advice appreciated. TIA!

[pinkfuzzies]

I just posted a thread similar to this one.. Im right there with you. im in the same boat.. and this time i really feel like there could be something else out there. but other than lack of sex and lack of "wanting to do things" there is really nothing wrong with the guy im with now..

i hope we both can get some helpful advice!!

[Gribble]

How old are you? If you think you might fool around with another guy you're clearly not ready to marry the one you've been seeing.

I think marriage would be a very big mistake at this juncture. I also think you should reevaluate your relationship. Is it really worth keeping? Maybe you are better off leaving this guy to experience a little more of life before you go getting tied down for good.

[carl1222]

I think it's pretty normal for outside friendships to occasionally turn to attractions during a long-term relationship, but this is less about what you feel and more about what you decide to do.

While you can't help these errant feelings, what you decide to do about them is often very much under your own control. You say you are happy with your long-term relationship and you see it as permanent. With this in mind, you should avoid putting yourself in situations where you are tempted to tickle the tail of the sleeping dragon. When you are in a relationship but encounter attraction, watch out for sentences that end in "that's not cheating." such as "I can flirt with him, that's not cheating", "I can have lunch with him that's not cheating", "I can meet him for a drink, that's not cheating", "We can share deep personal thoughts and feelings as friends, that's not cheating", "We can share a harmless kiss, that's not cheating", "We can share a longer deeper kiss, that's not quite cheating", "We can share a motel room .... OOOPS!"

You and your boyfriend seem to be in a happy time right now ... these risks greatly magnify when tougher times arise as is normal in any relationship.

As to the need to "test the waters" because you have only had a few boyfriends: You are in a long-term relationship, a rare event. You found a guy you see yourself spending your life with, also a rare event. So you were lucky enough to find the right man on the second try, good for you. If you blow it with your current boyfriend, you could spend the rest of your youth, even your life, searching for his replacement. That should scare you!

It worries me that you ask if it's OK as long as he never finds out because it sounds like you are already planning to cheat. If you get involved in a full blown affair, are you so naive as to believe it would not affect your relationship? That it would have no effect on your closeness? That it wouldn't make you more distant and secretive? That there's no way he could find out?

The guy you're crushing on ... distance yourself from him as much as possible ... it too will pass.

If you absolutely have to test the waters, do the decent thing and break up with your boyfriend first.

Good luck

Carl.

[lesa]

You are not ready for marriage or remaining in a long term relationship.

[carl1222]

I would agree, lesa except for the fact that she seems to be begging us to talk her out of it.

[lesa]

I would agree, lesa except for the fact that she seems to be begging us to talk her out of it.

"Begging us to talk her out of it"? As stated, she is not ready for marriage or remaining in a long term relationship.

Here is one of those people who have to "get it out their system" or feel that they do.

[ilikebuttons]

gribble- i'm 23, and marriage is not something that is going to happen in the near future, but it is in both our minds that we are marrying each other. because its been such a long term relationship already and we're also each others first everything, we kind know and have it set that we are permanent... since we're young and marriage is not in the near future, i'm not in any situation where i'm jeopardizing a wedding or have to make a decsion to split ways with him immediately. i'm also not really looking to split ways with him, but i just cant help feel like i'm not as attracted to this guy as i am with the fact that he is areally good guy and will make a great life partner/family/dad.

carl1222 - i think the very big problem is that i know this new guy isnt looking for a relationship and that i really would be able to get away with something without my boyfriend knowing. i know i wont ever be able to go as far as gettinginti a motel room with another guy behind my bf's back, but i keep seeing the idea of a little hug/kiss here or there. this is wrong, i know, but i have it in my mind that i would be forgiven if any of this blows up in my face... so i guess i am taking advantage of that. oh carl, you are so right in every thought that you've given, and i know i should avoid this guy. i dont know how to though, when i constantly thinking about how to not think of him.. waiting for his text/phone calls. i told him we should stop talking, but he kind of took it as a joke and then i kind of wanted to take back my words, bc i didnt want to lose him as a friend. so basically, i'm trapping myself.

Lesa - i know i'm not ready yet, but since marriage is not in the near future, i'm kind of hoping the feeling will subside when the time comes.

[Mish]

carl1222 - i think the very big problem is that i know this new guy isnt looking for a relationship and that i really would be able to get away with something without my boyfriend knowing. i know i wont ever be able to go as far as gettinginti a motel room with another guy behind my bf's back, but i keep seeing the idea of a little hug/kiss here or there. this is wrong, i know, but i have it in my mind that i would be forgiven if any of this blows up in my face... so i guess i am taking advantage of that. oh carl, you are so right in every thought that you've given, and i know i should avoid this guy. i dont know how to though, when i constantly thinking about how to not think of him.. waiting for his text/phone calls. i told him we should stop talking, but he kind of took it as a joke and then i kind of wanted to take back my words, bc i didnt want to lose him as a friend. so basically, i'm trapping myself.

It sounds like you are your own worst enemy. You want to be with your bf, but you also want something on the side. You care more about what it is you want and you put your wants over you bf's. You are not really stuck, you are just being selfish. You are wanting to eat the cake and to have it too. You know you can't do both so you are seating on the fence. Your hesitation to give up on this friend leads me to believe that you are not really ready for a serious relationship and you should probably break up with your bf before your wants get any worse and before you start doing some serious damage and hurting.

[carl1222]

You said: "i know i wont ever be able to go as far as getting into a motel room with another guy behind my bf's back, but i keep seeing the idea of a little hug/kiss here or there."

But this was exaclty what I was warning you about when I said: "When you are in a relationship but encounter attraction, watch out for sentences that end in "that's not cheating." such as "I can flirt with him, that's not cheating", "I can have lunch with him that's not cheating", "I can meet him for a drink, that's not cheating", "We can share deep personal thoughts and feelings as friends, that's not cheating", "We can share a harmless kiss, that's not cheating", "We can share a longer deeper kiss, that's not quite cheating", "We can share a motel room .... OOOPS!"

Nobody ever actually intends things to get out of hand, but if you start down this progression, there is a huge risk, with attraction, that they may.

Carl

[ny2468]

First off, it is REFRESHING to see a women post something like this!

i know the guy that i'm currently in a relationship with is someone that i want to marry but i guess its because i've only dated 2 guys before, i not really satisfied with not knowing what else is out there.

I am in the EXACT same boat, except she was my first! We were together 5 years and have been on a "break" for three. We talk every few weeks, it is a weird situation for sure, all because on my lack of experience, besides all we learned together we wish we met later in life. It's sometimes OK, sometimes bad. When is enough... enough?

[Mark41]

My girlfriend of two years just did this "wanna see what's out there" but keeps saying it's not about guys which I don't believe. Sometimes I want us to go our separate ways but stay in touch so if in a year or two, we can make things work we can but other times I just hate her so much and want to never ever consider getting back together because I deserve someone who wants to be with me. Yes, I realize we're young.

I'm shocked by how many people are in this situation s my question: does anyone NOT want to see what else is out there??? I never had a strong urge to do so and was satisfied with being with one person. How does a long term relationship even have a chance at surviving if so many people are never satisfied???

[Gigabitch]

Whether or not he would ever find out isn't the biggest problem, here, it's YOU. You would know that you're a cheater, and if you're any kind of decent human being, that should bother you. You keep looking to others to check you, to make your moral decisions for you, when you should have a strong clear voice inside you that tells you that this is just WRONG.

You should be ashamed of yourself. You have no business being in a "committed" relationship.

[CompletePimp]

It's shit like this that makes me pray to god that my girlfriend who's deeply in love with me doesn't ever feel the way this girl does. I may find other women attractive here and there, but that is purely physical, I am never emotionally into anyone else or ever chatting someone up just to "keep 'em around as a friend incase I don't like my relationship and then can run to them".

Just like monkeys - it's the only way people like this will swing - don't want to let go of one branch till you can get a hold of the next.

[Male Man]

Buttons...Forgive me but it sounds more like a convienent sex arrangement than a committment. In which case you have no real reason to feel guilty. Unless of course you have a ring and a date in which case I would tell you to let him go before you do any real damage.