Father cheating on Mother.

[DarkDwarf]

Alright, so I wrote the following letter to a friend of mine. Someone who has been a friend for a long time and I thought might be able to help. Maybe you guys can help too, maybe not. Essentially, ignore all of the names.

Lauren,
I need to talk to you. I don’t know who else to talk to this about, to tell you the truth. I could pick my other friends, but sometimes it is really hard to talk to them about more serious matters. Things that aren’t related to girls, heh. It might even be better if I did talk to them. I know they could handle it: real life issues that is. But somehow I hope that you’ll be able to help a bit more than they will be able to. I really don’t even know if there is anything to help. I just need someone to talk to, or maybe I just need to write this all out. Who knows, maybe I won’t even send it to you in the end. Anyway, don’t tell anyone, etc. And this is serious. Not a single person. I just don’t even want to have to risk dealing with it in school, as it is hard enough for me to deal with it while I am on vacation. Looking at your Facebook, I don’t want to send it to you. My life and your life are separate things. As far as I can tell, you’re having a great time, so I might as well leave you be.

All right, here goes. For the past couple months, I have had the odd feeling that something was up with my father. He and my mother fight often. Generally a couple minutes of screaming and yelling, one of them bitches to me at some point, generally while we are in the car going somewhere, and then that is over. That has always been a part of my life. But my father started acting differently. My mother was on a cruise in the Mediterranean, and my father went to our house in St. Croix. Then he came back, and he told me, awhile ago, probably when the whole Caitlin thing was starting, that he was in “a bunch of shit”, and that he couldn’t tell me what it was. I generally kind of blew it off, hoping that it would go away. Later he asked me how to say “Hello” to someone that you are romantically involved with, in Spanish. Then I really thought something was up. I mean, my mother was coming home in a few days, and I was sincerely hoping that he was writing some sort of letter or some type of note. I left it at that, desperately hoping that that was what he was doing.

He continued to tell me that shit was up for the next month or so. He was telling me a bunch that he only felt good here in the Carribean, that he didn’t like getting old, etc. There were a lot of clues that he was cheating on my mother. He came down to the Carribean twice in a month, and now he plans to go down again with Ross, a buddy of his from Kansas, in January. I honestly do not believe that Ross would like to come down here, to tell you the truth. He is a hunter-farmer, for life. So “they” are coming down.

Anyway, Sunday or so, I decided to start writing my essay – which is due when I get back on Monday – over the Scarlet Letter. I asked for my Dad’s laptop, and he let me have it. I was curious to know what was up, so I checked in his computer. I found various files, one which was titled “Thanksgiving”. It is essentially a letter detailing every day of this vacation, written to a woman named Heidi Mendoza. Another one is entitled Heidi, written to an old female friend or an ex-girlfriend of about thirty years ago, somewhat touching on said affair. I even approached my father about it, saying that I hadn’t looked at anything in his computer (a lie, obviously). He said that nothing was as it seemed.

I happened to find his wallet later. I looked in it, finding contact information for said woman. I again approached him about it. This time, he said that she was a Spanish gunmaker’s secretary, and he was merely schmoozing her, for some reason or another. Cheap guns, perhaps? I don’t know. I am almost completely certain that it was a load of bullshit.

The internet has been out for a couple days. It appears as though the return of the it has been my father’s safe haven. He wrote something in his letter about how it was going to be so great that he would be able to contact this… Heidi woman again.

I looked in his Recycle Bin, and I found an album of photos. Most of them compose of Miss Mendoza naked within the very house in St. Croix that I write this in now. The bed stands about twenty feet from me, through a wall.

And here I am. I honestly have no idea what to do Lauren. This is my life, and I could honestly **** it up right now. I could tell my mother, and it would ruin her (or so I think). It would ruin my sister Rebecca for sure. Finally, it would **** my life up. The thing is, it is my parents who are paying for college. So I have to let my dad cheat on not only his own wife, but his entire family? That doesn’t seem right. It would **** up my own life. The worst part is, my father has lied to me. He has pulled this bullshit, again and again. He always taught me not to lie, and now even that teaching seems like a bunch of bullshit in the end.

He said that he wanted to be a better father to me the other day. I don’t know how he can be a worse one now. It would even be different if he told me the truth from the start. It wouldn’t make it any more appropriate, but I would be less mad at him in the end. It’s a bunch of ****ing bullshit. I hate cheaters. I despise them. The time you cheated on Carl? Well, Carl is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you. He has made you incredibly happy. I wanted to strangle you for it, even though it isn’t my life, nor my business in the first place. And now I don’t know what to do.

I’m essentially falling apart. I don’t want my family to fall apart. I don’t want my chances at getting someone to pay for college to fall apart. I am not in an income bracket that will ever get financial aid. Especially now. Look at the economy: ****ed. I JUST DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO!

[Indignant]

i'd honestly leave it alone. it has nothing to do with you or your future. but our parents deserve a chance at happiness as well as every one else. my father died last year from cancer at the young age of 55 from cancer. he and mom were not having much of a sex life the last let's say 10 years. she always seemed to be not in a mood. so he had met a woman about 6 month before he was diagnosed, who liked him much, however mom intervened and nothing happened. i wish he got a chance to experience love once again before he had to suffer for the last 6 months of his life.

[bluesummer]

^ What the hell?

Yeah, people have the right to be happy, but cheating isn't the answer. If your Dad isn't happy in his marriage he needs to get out....he's disrespecting your mother. Your mom deserves better, don't you think?

That said, it's tough to pick sides when it comes to parents. You feel like if you tell your mom, it'll be your fault for destroying their marriage. Although this isn't the case (it's totally your dad's fault), that's still how YOU will feel. Makes the decision on what to do tough, huh?

If it were my parents, I'd tell my mom. I love my Dad, but I also think my Mom deserves respect. Actually, I think I'd set it up so she 'accidently' found out. Found the pictures or something.

[LadieNisha4u2nv]

Indignant, how can you live with such a thing? I understand deserving happiness but why go about it in such a way? I think it's sad that things eventually stop working out, but dragging it along is not gonna do any of them any good. I think you should have a talk with both your parents. Your mom needs to know. Period. Would you rather her continue suffering in a relationship with a man who isnt even committed to her? You rather her be upset all the time while being married to this man who doesnt even love her enough to stay faithful? They need to divorce, IMO. It'll be healthy for both of them in the end instead of dragging along an already dead relationship.

I think you should confront them both about it. I'd first try to convince your dad into being more upfront with your mom, and see how that goes. But this is just my opinion, I've never been in a situation like that, and I'm just saying to you what I think i would do if it were me.

I'd also like to add you're like 40 miles away from my island....Cooool ...lol I'm so silly.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

[Lipp]

Yup, I'd say that you should bring the family to a meeting (excluding siblings that are young), lay the cards on the table and see where it goes from there. Maybe they'll split up, and you get a chance to voice your opinion on trying to ensure that you get properly educated or where you'd want to stay. Maybe they would find that they could stand living together and accept having an open relationship for both your mother and your father to make use of as they please. Or maybe they'll give it a reboot and have another go at having a proper marriage.

Either way, it beats a crappy marriage and having this grinding away at your brain for years and years. But it takes guts to do it, too.

[vashti]

Actually, I have been married a really long time, and I will agree with indignant. This isn't really your business, and you should stay out of it. Do NOT tell you mother. She very likely already knows something is up and has decided to look the other way. (Most women are smart enough to know that 3 trips without your family over a couple of months means something is up...) You making this public knowledge will hurt your sister and may force your mom into taking action when she would rather not. Women involved in long-term marriages have a different mindset than young women just starting out, and family continuity is important to many of us, even more important than infidelity, especially when there are children involved. Besides, these affairs usually blow over, and a married man usually doesn't leave his family for a mistress.

This being said, your father is a dumbass who needs to learn to be discreet. You might want to consider telling him outright that you know, and tell him that if you see any more evidence that this relationship is continuing, you will let your mom know. If you have seen these pictures, your mom can (or maybe has), too.

Also, I wouldn't discuss this with any of your friends. Then again, I was raised in a time where dirty laundry was kept private.

I'm sorry you are going through this, sweety.

[Gigabitch]

Silence is complicity.

There's no reason to sloppily throw this dirty laundry out in front of the entire family, though. I think you should confront your father directly, lay out all of the evidence and point out the fact that because he's been so cavalier about it, it looks like he's begging to get caught. He wants you to bust him. Perhaps he thinks you'll be the voice of reason or perhaps he just wants out of this family and doesn't have the balls to say so.

Regardless of what his reasons are, he's left a trail of breadcrumbs for you. Actually, a trail of croissants, those clues are so obvious. His recycle bin? Jeses, what the hell is wrong with that guy?

Frickin' jackass.

Anyway, DD, even thinking about keeping mum about it all just because they're paying for college is waaaay beneath you. You know it and I know it. Like you said, he's cheating on ALL of you. Man up and tell him to knock it off.

[carl1222]

I agree with Giga, now that you know he is having an affair, you should confront your father rather than going to your mother first.

I noticed that your parents vacation separately. As shocking as it may seem, they may have an understanding or an open marriage. That would explain his unbelievable indiscretion.

Carl.

[misombra]

OR you could hire me to let your mom know...

[bluesummer]

Yeah, confront your Dad about it first. Maybe he just needs to know that SOMEONE has noticed for him to knock it off.

If I had been married a long time I don't think I'd leave my husband for cheating (providing it was an isolated incident and he showed evidence of gut-wrenching remorse). However, I'd want to know. I don't like the idea of him 'getting away with it' and me being played the fool. My ex husband cheated on me, so I know how it feels.

Consequently, I have a real issue with cheaters and people chasing after married people. I think they're the slime of the earth.

[misombra]

knowing what i know now, i would keep my mouth shut. squeaky wheel ALWAYS gets the grease. i have learned this the hard way.

[vashti]

I noticed that your parents vacation separately. As shocking as it may seem, they may have an understanding or an open marriage. That would explain his unbelievable indiscretion.

Bingo. There is no way she shouldn't already know something is up. If she isn't responding, it's because she either doesn't want to know, or they have some sort of understanding that is betwen the two of them.

[DarkDwarf]

Oh, you guys always make me feel a bit better about shit. Carl, I had actually considered that, but I have talked to my dad about it. I was checking out surfing beaches on St. Croix and I was driving so I was in control and I just started talking. He said a bunch of shit about "intimacy" and how it is no longer there in their relationship. I will spare you the nitty gritty details, but I don't think I'll let my mother know. I do believe that she might have some idea, but if she doesn't, she should soon enough. She has two Harvard degrees, so I'm sure she is somewhat capable of finding out (I hope).

After the conversation, I would say that they are not in an open relationship, but I would probably say that I agree with my father in stating that much of the intimacy is gone from their relationship (from what I can tell, at least). Not that that makes his actions any more excusable, however, but nevertheless, I guess I will just have to let it take it's course. Giga, I know it is way beneath me, but perhaps looking back over everything, I wanted something to make it seem justifiable. I told him that it wasn't excusable, but I don't know if he reallly heard me. Unfortuantly, I guess I just have to watch it go. He does suck at hiding things though. The letters that I found were in the same folder as his exercise logs, under Documents, as though that would hide anything. It was probably wrong for me to go through his stuff - actually, it was wrong, but what is done is done.

[Gigabitch]

You did the right thing, DD, and I don't think too much more is required.

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut to my mother, but then some of the posters here have illustrated quite plainly that some women just don't want to know.

For the record, though, if Vashti's husband was cheating on her, I would tell her. I'd be discreet and as gracious as possible, but I would never leave a friend in the dark about that. What she did with the information would be her own business.

[misombra]

just look at this man cheating uncharged all this time. charge him a hush fee!