Opened up a can of worms....

[Cat Stevens]

Up until yesterday I was in a seemingly content and loving relationship. I've been with my current girlfriend for 14 months and it's been great. I truly love her and have had nothing but great times with her.

I was with and lived with my ex girlfriend for 3 years up until 2 years ago when I broke up with her for several reasons, but mainly that she hadn't yet found her independence and relied on me too much to live day to day and virtually deserted her friends. She's the most wonderful girl I've ever been with, we just click, everything works.....but her problems at the time clouded my perception of my love for her. She's since moved across the country (2000km) to live with her sister and has turned her life around completely in all the areas I criticised her for.

Here's where the problems start.

It's her 21st birthday this week. She's come across from where she lives to see her family and requested I bring the dogs (we raised 2 lovely dogs together and as she was unable to care for them I took them both) to a family BBQ to see everyone. Since we had a fairly amicable break up I was all too happy to bring them to her.

When I arrived and saw her it was magical. She looked amazing, and nothing had changed with our repore. I only stayed for an hour or so, but even in that short time it just felt right again; comfortable.

We spoke on Facebook today, and she asked me how we got to talking about my current relationship......then for some reason I asked her "Do you think we'll ever get back together?" It was one of those spine tingling moments, but the response was positive to my surprise. We chatted for a while longer, I probably got a tad carried away in the moment and told her I still loved her and nothing had changed. I also said I want to be with her again, whether it's in 1 year or 10 years. I virtually said, in no uncertain terms "I can't afford to waste my life away, I need to settle down forever"

I think she was shocked by my feelings, she said she'd assumed I'd moved on.

Since my feelings for my ex are so much deeper than my current girlfriend, my current reaction is to try to stop seeing my current girlfriend and work towards what I ultimately want; my ex girlfriend to be my life partner. There's a risk it might not happen the way I hope it will, but I'm willing to take that risk in order to be truly happy.

I feel like an absolute bastard, but I can't control my feelings. I don't know what to say to my girlfriend; should I lie and let her down gently or tell her the truth?

I'd appreciate any advice on how I could handle this delicate situation.

[ransom_nite]

Wow tough situation. Too be honest I think you need to be completely honest with your current girlfriend and just tell her that the old feelings for your ex of 3 years have returned. It's not your fault like you say, you can't control your feelings, but lieing and letting her down gently just seems to be a kick in the guts.

[ecojeanne]

i think you need to tell your current gf how you feel. she may decide to break up but at least give her a chance to fight her corner rather than just break up out of the blue.

[Charlie Boy II]

I would just make something up, and break up with your current girlfriend. People seem to end up more damaged from relationships where they're left for another. And they seem to carry more baggage into the next relationship.

[ecojeanne]

i disagree to a certain extent cb, she will find out anyway so why not be truthful. also its way more difficult on someone espcially if they don't know why someone they cared about left them. i think psycologically it will help her understand that it's not her fault, which is key to getting over someone

[Cat Stevens]

Thanks for your comments guys, appreciate your input

There's reasons I can break up with her other than over what's happening with my ex. We've got ongoing issues; she's not a dog person, we share very few interests and our lifestyles are so different. So there'll be justification aside from the real motivating factor.

What Charlie Boy said is true; knowing someone has left you for somebody else is a terrible feeling. I'd rather not put her through that, she's deserves better.

Oh, and one more important point. My current girlfriend happens to by my bosses daughter....and it's a job I can ill afford to lose. We've spoken about it before and agreed work and personal life wont interfere with each other if things go wrong between us.....but I'm still paranoid things will change at work somehow.

[Charlie Boy II]

your boss's daughter!! Man, if my employee was banging my daughter and then broke her heart I don't think I'd be too well disposed to topping up his bank account each month. You're f-cked.

[Cat Stevens]

I didn't really consider the consequences at the time we got together, it's all coming apart now though

I think I am on good enough terms with my employers that it wont effect my job too much. I will have to be in contact with her for my entire time at this company though, which will be taxing.

Things will work out in the end, I hope.

[Cbrider]

Eco and Charlie are both right on their own grounds.

You either feel like you not as good as the other person and your bf/gf left you for them.

or

You feel like there is something wrong with you and thats why your bf/gf left you, so now your alone and feel like your not good enough.

Two different but equal evils tbh.

[Charlie Boy II]

Look she's going to feel shitty either way. But people who lose a mate in the above circumstances seem to carry a great deal of abandonment anxiety and jealousy into their future relationships. I think the poster would be kind to spare his current girlfriend (and her future partners) that baggage.

Of course, that's only if you're fairly sure she won't find out anyway.

[Gigabitch]

I don't think you owe her the full explanation about why she's not cutting the mustard for you. That can be hurtful, and it's unnecessary. I think you should definitely break up with her- she deserves to be with someone who at least has the potential of being madly in love with her and you're just not available.

Please remember this the next time you're tempted to mix business with pleasure. The boss' daughter/ What were you thinking?

[Cat Stevens]

I wasn't thinking. I'm an idiot.

I suppose the one thing that's in my favour is there's no time constraints with my ex. When I break up with my current girlfriend I might still remain single for many months until she moves back to Melbourne. It wont be an instant transition, so it wont seem as though I'm leaving her for someone else.

[carl1222]

Cat, you said: "There's reasons I can break up with her other than over what's happening with my ex. We've got ongoing issues; she's not a dog person, we share very few interests and our lifestyles are so different. So there'll be justification aside from the real motivating factor."

I agree with Giga that you don't need to go into any of that, and would go further by saying it would be horribly cruel to do so. You are leaving her mainly for emotional reasons. If you want to make up a reason why you are leaving her other than because you love your ex more, don't make one up that shifts the blame to your girlfriend somehow. That would be salt in the wound.

I don't like lying, but you should give your current girlfriend a lame reason that makes you look like an a****le, it might help her get over you.

Carl.

[Gigabitch]

Agreed. Lying is sleazy, but this is one of those "Do these pants make me look fat?" kind of lies.

[carl1222]

True, Giga, unless the lie is "no honey, you make the pants look fat"