My GF won't give BJ's; but, she has a good reason for it...

[Jonas]

Hi everyone,

I'm caught in the worst relationship catch-22 I've ever found myself in.

I've been dating an amazing girl for about a year now. We're at the precipice of moving in together, which I'm all for.

Except for one issue.

She won't give head.

To be perfectly clear, I give her oral almost every time we make love. I also give great back rubs, foot rubs, etc.

She'll "kiss it", so to speak, but only when I ask repeatedly, and only for about 30 seconds. I'm used to girls who are way more open to oral and anal; so far, this girl, who I really do love in every other way, won't go near it. Frankly, I could live without anal; oral, on the other hand, is a necessity to me.

For the record, she has a good reason to not want to do it; she was repeatedly sexually abused by a relative growing up, who would force her to perform oral on him. This went on for years, apparently. We've talked about the abuse she suffered. I've accepted it, and she's been in counseling for it for years. Basically, she's moved on from this as well, with the exception of not giving head.

So, here's the catch-22: If I don't talk to her about this issue, I'll be in a relationship where I'm not getting all of my physical needs met. If I do talk to her about it, I risk coming off as a pushy, insensitive asshole (which I'm not!).

I do want to discuss this with her; honestly, it's keeping me from moving in with her. We have a great emotional and intellectual connection; and making love with her is fantastic. I just am used to and really, really enjoying receiving a blowjob now and then, and consider this a standard part of a normal, healthy, adult relationship.

What do I do? I'm getting ready to talk to her about it this week, but could use advice on how to approach the topic without sounding like a total jerk.

Also, if she still refuses... what then? For me, not receiving oral at least occasionally* is a bit of a deal breaker. Is there a way to save this relationship? Is there something I can say or do to convince her that this is really important to me, without giving her an ultimatum?


Thanks in advance for your help!

*(and by occasionally, I mean about once a week... I've had girlfriends in the past that would do it basically on-demand, and I've had girlfriends in the past that would do it every couple of days... I'd be willing to settle for once a week, or at least a couple times a month...)

[Junket]

How old are you two?

[Indignant]

i've had the same issue with abuse, but was able to get over it and now have now issues with it. be gentle with her and don't push it. i think if a girl really loves you she should have no problems overcoming it. however i don't know how badly she was abused and don't want to make any assumptions. how old is she once again?

[DoesntMatter]

You expect love from some stupid piece of shit girl? Fucck you and you're fuccking whorebag girl

[vashti]

You have no right to force this issue, and these are not physical "needs", but rather "preferences". It is okay for you to want to enjoy a sexual relationship that involves blow jobs, and she is certainly entitled to enjoy a sexual relationship without them. And yeah, I think after years of sexual abuse such as the nature she suffered, it is normal (and probably expected) that she would be unenthusiastic about giving blow jobs. Anyone who infers she should just get over it is stupid.

You two are obviously just not a sexual match.

[beans28]

Hey man - I understand your frustration but if you really love this girl than you have to be patient and expect that she will not slob the nob. Maybe you can work on the anal?

Although I was not abused, I wouldnt give my hunny brains for anything! Same thing your girl does "kiss it" that was it.
But because my hunny reallly loved me, he was patient and understanding. Now it did take about 2-3 years but I learned how to enjoy giving him head and am pretty good at it. He knows if he asks 8 or 9 times out of 10 I will do it and I do it on my own now too. I have been gettin a little freaky with it too - i like to give him head until he is about to bust and then I jump ontop and ride it so he busts inside me. LOL okay... did I share too much?

[Jonas]

not sure what age has to do with it...I'm 33, she's 26.

I can be patient, to a point. We've been together for a year. She wants to move in with me. I'm not sure if I am willing to live with a woman who can't share a robust, adventurous sexual relationship.

What I'm really asking for is advice on how to talk to her about this. How do I bring it up? What do I say to her?

[beans28]

You can ask her what she loves the best when you make love and then share what you like. Tell her how much it turns you on but don't turn it into a serious convo about how much you need and want it. Maybe if she knows how much you like it, she will try to do it because she knows you want it and she wants to please you.

[ransom_nite]

Surely a blow job can't hinder whether or not you want her to move in with you, dude it's a BJ, if you loved her surely you wouldn't care about getting your knob sucked. Especially after what she's had done to her through the abuse and all.

[beans28]

Surely a blow job can't hinder whether or not you want her to move in with you, dude it's a BJ, if you loved her surely you wouldn't care about getting your knob sucked. Especially after what she's had done to her through the abuse and all.

I second this

[Cbrider]

Surely a blow job can't hinder whether or not you want her to move in with you, dude it's a BJ, if you loved her surely you wouldn't care about getting your knob sucked. Especially after what she's had done to her through the abuse and all.

Thirded..?

[Jonas]

Its not something I'm willing to just give up on.

I was married for over 10 years to a woman who was wonderful in bed when we were dating. Then, she became born-again christian, and I spent the last 4 to 5 years of our marriage having vanilla, missionary position sex, due to her refusal to give or receive oral or receive anal after her religious experience.

I just can't go through that again. I really like oral and anal sex. Like I said in my first post, I'm willing to give up anal or oral, but not both. I was in a long term relationship like that once, and it was terrible.

I appreciate the advice on how to talk to her about it.

[vashti]

Are you trying to say you have never talked to her about this?

And if you did, what does she say?

[Jonas]

We've sort of talked about it. I'll mention that I really like it, but the conversations are always casual. And she always ultimately still refuses to do it for very long, and she definitely refuses to swallow, or even spit.

I'm at the point right now where I think we need a sit-down-and-come-to-jesus kind of discussion, and I need advice on how to approach it the right way.

Make sense?

[misombra]

leave her alone. she doesn't want to give you a blowjob and no conversation is going to convince her. if you're not willing to deal with it then seriously, you need to leave her alone.