I think I want to get my heart broken

[Charlie Boy II]

you may not have the emotional depth to get your heart broken,

that's what's been worrying me. Because if I don't have the emotional depth to get my heart broken it follows that I may not have the depth to properly love somebody either.

[vashti]

I think Frasbee's on the right path. You tend to become more hyper-bonded when you have a bigger investment, and you are emotionally very independent (or at least, that's the impression I get). To be honest though, I think it's healthy that you haven't invested yourself so heavily in the dating world. Broken hearts suck, and they change your core person, usually not in the best of ways (although you are certainly wiser). Rather than liking women, you may end up a little bitter like some of the bitter boys that post on this forum. Who needs that?

Anyway, I genuinely believe your time will come, and probably in law school, as indi suggested. I just wouldn't be running TOWARD it, if I were you.

And I don't believe you lack emotional depth. I haven't ever seen any evidence of that. You just haven't met the right girl yet.

[ecojeanne]

No offense charlie but I have to disagree with everyone. You may be one of the many emotionally unavailable men in the world and most of your posts that I’ve read do indicate to me that you are. Tbh this is a good thing for you but a bad thing for the women that fall in love with you. You’ll end up enjoying your life. I’m sure at some point you will see it as appropriate to settle down but this still may not mean you won’t be able to walk away (just as easy as you have recently) at a later stage. I don’t know what you’re worried about really. It’s a good life ahead for you. And I also think you are aware of how unemotional you are and are wondering why you can’t get sad. There is no point worrying about that. tbh i don't think its a worry more a wondering right?

[misombra]

you just need to find the right girl. and frizzz is right, once you've invested so much of yourself into somebody, that's a recipe for getting hurt. when i first started dating mikey i couldn't have cared less if he left of if he cheated on me. well maybe i would have, but definitely not as much as if he did it now. at this point he has the power to tear my world apart. and likewise i have the power to do that to him.

but we've been together almost 6 years, and we've lived together for a majority of that time.

perhaps you weren't heart broken with kristen because you didn't spend that much time together. most of your time together was long distance. you didn't get a chance to have that bond, also you didn't quite give it that chance. but getting your heartbroken is inevitable in this life, whether it's by the opposite sex or somebody else. you're still young and you have far more experiences ahead of you than behind.

[bluesummer]

Not to mention you had time to distance yourself emotionally from Kristen while you were away travelling. If you'd stayed home, moved in together or something.....I think it would've been different. You would've experienced more pain.

Some guys have the ability to write off relationships in their head before they end. I think you sensed the end with Kristen (as evident by your posts) and started to subconciously write it off slowly.....so when the breakup came is wasn't as painful. I wonder if you're one of those guys that's subconciously afraid to feel pain or be too emotional because you're afraid it compromises your rationality.

[Charlie Boy II]

I don't know, even at the airport when I was leaving to go overseas I had to "play-up" my sadness a bit, for Kristen's benefit. And that was after a year of solid relationship. And in the weeks leading up to my departure, leaving Kristen didn't worry me that much. And I cared for her far more than any other girl. It's true I missed her a great deal once I was overseas, but...

I'm not convinced if I'd stay and spent more time with Kristen leaving would have been harder.

[vashti]

You were going off on a trip of a lifetime. I think that would make it hard for anyone to be sad. I would have had to fake it, too.

Hey, maybe I am also emotionally shallow?

[doppelgaenger]

Instead of desensitizing yourself with heartbreaks, why don't you keep searching for someone who is more like you?

You waste too much time with silly girls you know won't mean anything to you. You said it yourself.

[1averagejoe]

I still don't understand why you would want a heartbreak...it sucks.

Especially when it's someone you really care about and you find out they cheated on you.

I think it's healthy that you're not letting yourself get too worked up over relationships at a young age. Bad break ups are like trying to swim with an anchor attached to your foot. It just makes every day tasks that much harder.

[Mish]

that's what's been worrying me. Because if I don't have the emotional depth to get my heart broken it follows that I may not have the depth to properly love somebody either.

I'm with Vash and Fras on this one. I think you just haven't properly invested yourself in a relationship. Things will change for you and it will be a lot different once you spend a few years living with a girl, trust me on this.

But ofcourse, you will have to find someone worthy enough to do that first.

[IndiReloaded]

No offense charlie but I have to disagree with everyone. You may be one of the many emotionally unavailable men in the world and most of your posts that I’ve read do indicate to me that you are. Tbh this is a good thing for you but a bad thing for the women that fall in love with you.

There are men (and women) like this in the world. Its certainly a good point.

No point in trying to make yourself into something you're not, CB. If lightning strikes, then it does. If not, well, that's fine too. Just be aware that other ppl can, and do, feel things. Sometimes intensely.

In other words, just don't be a deliberate asshole.

[bluesummer]

I agree with Indi ^.

[Charlie Boy II]

Yes I think that's what makes me insensitive sometimes or impatient when it comes to emotional issues. I don't really understand what they're going through because I haven't as yet displayed the capacity to experience that myself. All my girlfriends have said something along those lines about me. Kristen said it made me a very difficult person to go out with. The one before Kristen claimed I didn't have any feelings at all.

I'm not really worried for myself, but I want to be a good husband for somebody one day and in the interim at least a passable boyfriend. And I want to experience that same strength of feeling, too.

I actually don't think it's case of not having "invested" in a relationship. I don't really know what that means anyway. But why do people invest in relationships? Surely they're propelled by a certain depth of feeling? You don't make a decision to "invest" like you would on the stock market.

[Mish]

I actually don't think it's case of not having "invested" in a relationship. I don't really know what that means anyway. But why do people invest in relationships? Surely they're propelled by a certain depth of feeling?

Yeh, that's an interesting chicken or the egg question. What came first the feeling or the investment? And it's hard to answer as well.

When we think about a future partner we want to be a good partner as well. We are thinking about the investment and how we can invest ourselves before even knowing who we will end up being with. But then as you mentioned you need the feeling to kick start the this process. So, my guess is they compliment each other. The first feelings come when you see that hot girl you like, you feel something. It's hard to say what that something is, but you feel it. You want to invest in her (maybe just a tiny bit at first). Then you look for connection, is it someone you can connect with, if yes there goes another type of feeling and another type of investment. Then trust, can you trust her? You build your trust slowly to make sure it won't get abused and once the trust is there then your feelings develop a little deeper and there goes another investment.

And in the same style you continue jumping through the hoops of a relationship, developing more intimacy, deeper feelings, in comes the support system that Fras was talking about. At some point in time the two of you become more and more tightly connected together. You become like a family. And in a few stages after that, years later when you look back you see a whole series of little and big investments that were made. I think this is what the ones who talk about investment in relationship are pointing to. Once you look at all of these investments that were made, all of this feelings which are now shared, you realize it's not so easy letting go after all.

[IndiReloaded]

How are you socially with ppl, CB? Do you relate to ppl intuitively, or do you find yourself thinking most ppl just make you want to dive into a cave where you can get the hell away from them.

And how are you when you are really focussed on something, say work. Do you get very focussed? Do you get really annoyed if you are disturbed from your thinking/work?

There's a point to these questions.