Regret

[pythongrace]

2 months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up but we’re back together again. The problem was he couldn’t get over his feelings for another girl, but this situation was fixed. My boyfriend's oldest sister and his best friend told him that it was stupid for him to tell me about a girl he had feelings for and advised him never to do something like that again. I assured him that what he did was righteous and it was good for him to be honest or our relationship would’ve been just a fake if he never told me the truth, and what he did was something he shouldn‘t regret. I told him that anything he has to hide behind my back, it’s called deception, and if he never told me about the girl he had strong feelings for, it would be the same as leading someone on as making them think they are the one and only. What do you guys think? Am I right or is his sister and friend right?

[ecojeanne]

yes it's always good to know as much as possible what the man is thinking, so making him comfortable telling you things is the better for you.

my ex used to tell me everything...stuff other guys would be scared to tell, if the trust is there then there is nothing to worry about, btw how was the situation 'fixed' as you put it?

[Dasein]

I can understand why they said that. Not all girls are secure for that not to bother them.

[vashti]

I dunno, I'm pretty secure but I don't see myself appreciating that. It would have been the end for me.

[pythongrace]

yes it's always good to know as much as possible what the man is thinking, so making him comfortable telling you things is the better for you.

my ex used to tell me everything...stuff other guys would be scared to tell, if the trust is there then there is nothing to worry about, btw how was the situation 'fixed' as you put it?

He broke all communications with the girl. He's telling me that he was honest but the fact that I told him to stop getting in contact with this girl shows that I don't trust him. I mean I do trust he's not a two timer but I think if he still keep in contact with this girl he has feelings for, she's going to get in the way of him making a commitment, cuz there's always going to be questions in his mind like 'what if I'm with this other girl?', 'how is it like to be with her'?, 'oh i should give this girl a try', that curiousity will always linger in his mind, cuz he's never been with this girl that he desired so much, therefore making it hard for him to have a deeper relationship with me.

[IndiReloaded]

2 months ago, my boyfriend and I broke up but we’re back together again. The problem was he couldn’t get over his feelings for another girl, but this situation was fixed.

How was the situation fixed? How long did he have feelings for this other gal? How serious was it? Did they date, were they engaged?

My advice really depends on the situation. I know someone who has kept a torch for someone for years & its basically ****ed his relationships with women, even tho its pretty clear he's never going to get with this gal. Some guys actually use these 'fantasy' relationships as a way of avoiding commitment with perfectly decent women. Beware.

There is nothing worse than being a Placeholder, except mbe a rebound. Telling him to stop contacting this gal is excellent advice, for his sake, so he can get over her. But that doesn't change much about your relationship with him & the reasons he is likely with you.

[pythongrace]

I can understand why they said that. Not all girls are secure for that not to bother them.

To me it has nothing to do with being insecure. There's always going to be someone out there that will be better than your significant other, that's why you don't put yourself in situations like these. My bf had such strong feelings for this girl, he had even wrote a poem about her and put it up on myspace. I just think if you are in a serious relationship with someone, and if you think you are developing feelings for somebody else, you should handle it by breaking all communications with them before it gets out of hand.

[IndiReloaded]

I just think if you are in a serious relationship with someone, and if you think you are developing feelings for somebody else, you should handle it by breaking all communications with them before it gets out of hand.

I would say this is true if you are married. If you are merely dating, or in a relationship, I would say it bears serious consideration. Perhaps he should really be with this other gal if he feels so strongly for her? Just being the devils advocate here.

Besides, do you really want to be with someone who isn't completely blown away by who you are from the get-go? I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who was so obviously emotionally unavailable. Its completely unfair to you, and from his perspective, there's not really much he can do. Feelings simply ARE.

[pythongrace]

How was the situation fixed? How long did he have feelings for this other gal? How serious was it? Did they date, were they engaged?.

He cut off all communications with her. They went out a couple of dates but they never kissed or hooked up reason being cuz they were too busy or cuz she had a bf. He had known this girl for four years.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, in this case you are dealing with a 'might have been' fantasy.

Is there any chance she reciprocates? And are they communicating? If so, you are screwed unless you can break them apart. I assume they are 'friends'?

The other thing you can try, is that if you know this gal you can somehow explain the situation. You'd have to be clever, tho, and very certain she isn't reciprocating. Perhaps you can get her to cut him off directly, esp if she's unaware of the problem. Unlikely, I know, but just a thought.

[pythongrace]

I would say this is true if you are married. If you are merely dating, or in a relationship, I would say it bears serious consideration. Perhaps he should really be with this other gal if he feels so strongly for her? Just being the devils advocate here.

Besides, do you really want to be with someone who isn't completely blown away by who you are from the get-go? I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who was so obviously emotionally unavailable. Its completely unfair to you, and from his perspective, there's not really much he can do. Feelings simply ARE.

So you think it's ok then for my bf to keep in contact with this girl he had feelings for? It's like thinking there's nothing wrong being with someone who isn't completely blown away by who I am from the get-go. I think it would be unfair for me or for anybody if their lover is talking to somebody else who they have deep emotions for.

[pythongrace]

Well, in this case you are dealing with a 'might have been' fantasy.

Is there any chance she reciprocates? And are they communicating? If so, you are screwed unless you can break them apart. I assume they are 'friends'?

The other thing you can try, is that if you know this gal you can somehow explain the situation. You'd have to be clever, tho, and very certain she isn't reciprocating. Perhaps you can get her to cut him off directly, esp if she's unaware of the problem. Unlikely, I know, but just a thought.

No they are not communicating anymore. I know it for a fact not base on how I feel. No, I don't know this gal and this gal has a bf. So yeah it's really like a fantasy to my bf.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, I hope he wakes up to what he has rather than pining for what he doesn't.

Be prepared to walk for good, tho, if he doesn't appreciate you. Some guys need that kick in the teeth to wake up. Sounds like he's already had his first warning & here you are still posting about it, I assume b/c things aren't really getting better?

Anyway, in your case I would rather know the truth than not. Besides, we women have radar for this kind of thing. You would have known there was some kind of problem. At least this way you know the issue is his & not yours.

[pythongrace]

Things are getting better, after this incident, I think it made our relationship stronger. But when he said that he felt I didn't trust him because I had told him to cut off communications with this girl, it bothered me. I'm starting to think if something happens, he wouldn't be open to me anymore cuz he think I have trust issues or I might leave him

[IndiReloaded]

So you think it's ok then for my bf to keep in contact with this girl he had feelings for? It's like thinking there's nothing wrong being with someone who isn't completely blown away by who I am from the get-go. I think it would be unfair for me or for anybody if their lover is talking to somebody else who they have deep emotions for.

Had (past tense) or HAS, tho?

If he HAS 'deep emotions' for this gal, then WTF are you doing with him?? Its not like you two are married for years & then he ends up in an affair and you need to deal with the reasons for why this happened. You are DATING.

If I knew that my BF was harbouring strong feelings for another person I would tell him to call me when he was over her & knew for sure who he wanted. And I'd make him hustle big time for me before I took him back, just to make sure.

You sound kinda desperate for this guy, actually.