My girlfriend has social anxiety and I might dump her because of it..

[Lifeisquick]

My girlfriend has a severe case of social anxiety. She doesn't exactly have time for quality therapy since she is a chemical engineering major (and even plans on taking classes during the summer). She is beautiful and very intelligent and I respect how she thinks about the world and everything about it.

We've been in a serious relationship for 1.5 years, thats a pretty freakin long time for a college girlfriend/boyfriend. It's probably an important note that we are also each others first boyfriend/girlfriend. She takes zoloft for her problem but it only slightly helps.

Although I've been with her that long, she is still too nervous around me to really start interesting conversation or say random things that to me are a necessary part a relationship. I start nearly all the topics of conversation and make just about all of the jokes. Therefore I really don't have much fun with her, other than sex of course which obviously gets in the way of me making this decision. About a week ago I tried to tell her to make more conversation and she said she was literally just too afraid, even of me (this made her cry, she has the sweetest most sad cry you can ever imagine...). Anytime we try to hang out with friends together she is just awkward and it makes me not really able to enjoy myself. She doesn't say anything stupid or act awkward, its just that she is so neutral about everything and for lack of a better term, boring (she is scared stiff to really say much).


As you might guess its been impossible for her to get close friends, so I am really all she has, besides her puppy and her mom (she LOVES animals and she loves her family). I am not happy in this relationship even though I love so many things about her. She is definitely the sweetest most harmless person I've ever met, but I have to have fun with someone to really love them. I also always pictured my girlfriend as someone I'd want to show off and hang out with my friends with, but instead things are better if she's either not with me when I'm hanging out with friends, or if were just not in the same conversation.




So PLEASE give me your thoughts. I am somewhat already trying to break up with her, yesterday I started saying how I worry that we've only dated one person, and how I really want to have more friends and spend more time with them, (implying I don't have time for her). This made her cry until we fell asleep and when we woke up she was crying on the couch as she ate her cereal. Then I told her I'm basically just confused and that my lack of time for friends doesn't really have anything to do with her. I feel like **** and very twisted inside because I don't know if she would really ever recover and she is the last person on this planet that I want to be unhappy. But I know if I somewhere down the road do break up with her, I'll regret not doing it earlier. However I don't even know if I can break up with someone who cries the way she does...god help me

If you want any more details I can give them.

[IndiReloaded]

She is definitely the sweetest most harmless person I've ever met, but I have to have fun with someone to really love them.

Well, this sounds like a deal breaker for you. And it would be wrong to try to make her change (or have her want to change for you). She sounds socially introverted, and there is nothing wrong with that. It just doesn't suit you, sounds like.

Remember that how you break up says just as much about you as your partner. If I were you, I would make an effort to get your GF involved in a social group (with you) over the next few weeks so you can slowly wean her from you while you make plans to jump ship. That would be the kind thing to do.

She sounds intellectual, so perhaps you could involve her in tutoring, or a music group or volunteering? Engineers Without Borders is a great association.

Just some ideas. Of course, you could simply break it off with her, but she does sound very nice to me. It would be a shame to needlessly devastate her when you could handle things with more finesse.

BTW, what are YOU studying? FWIW, a beautiful engineer of the sort you describe is quite a catch. You might regret letting this one go once you've grown out of your party stage. She sounds like a young bud about to blossom.

Anyway, if its not working for you, then its not. Good luck with your decision.

[doppelgaenger]

Foreign language classes are great for bringing people out of their shyness. I think those classes improve your communication skills and give you confidence in your own speech. If you have an opportunity to pick which professor to have as an instructor, get recommendations from other students. Also taking smaller classes where participation is mandatory will help. Especially if you have to get up in front of the class and give a presentation.

Small groups and associations at school are another way to socialize someone. They don't help as much though because the limelight doesn't shine on you unless you put yourself out there. Tutoring is also a good idea.

You'd be a fool to break up with this girl. Why don't you try a little harder to make her happy? Don't be so selfish. This is a minor problem that can be solved with time, if you really care. Overly social girls are a dime a dozen if you really want them, I could name a quite a few guys who would love to be with your girlfriend.

[lesa]

Awww she sounds so sweet. One day she will 'crack' and break out of her shell. I am 99% sure about that but something major will have to happen in order for this to happen. Sad I know but it's for the best for her sake. If she loses you then that may be one of the cracks to help her in this seriously major shyness that she has. Oh, and she's not boring...she is stuck in that shell. She needs to break free and then you will know what was on her mind.

Don't count on the change though. If you are not happy with the way things are now then do what you must do .

Best wishes from a .

[DoesntMatter]

I think you should stick with the girl. Don't be a douche. Leave the "dumping my significant other because of social handicaps" excuse for the girls

[NeoSeminole]

break up with her. There are plenty of other girls who are attractive and smart without social anxiety.

[vashti]

Eek! I actually agree with neo, and that scares me. Your needs are just as important as hers.

I assume when you say she has a social anxiety disorder, you are talking about a clincally diagnosed psych disorder, right? Since she is not well controlled, I don't blame you for not being interested in sticking around. Psych disorders are hard on everyone, not just the person who has it.

[lesa]

I believe he was using the fancy medical term (or rather diagnosis) for major shyness, but I could be wrong.

[vashti]

Didn't he say she's on zoloft for it? They don't give you zoloft for shyness, I don't think.

[lesa]

Didn't he say she's on zoloft for it? They don't give you zoloft for shyness, I don't think.

If it interferes socially or with living in anyway then there is a prescription for it. There is a prescription for almost anything that can generate revenue. Got restless legs?

Seriously though, I wondered about the zoloft and was going to ask about it but I'm lazy .

[Bokonon]

I had a girlfriend that pretty closely fits the description you gave. She was able to start conversations with me sometimes but was always pretty shy and in a social setting was not really able to connect with anyone. Also a scientist (metallurgist). I was with her for a year and a half as well (strange) and finally broke it off. It was the hardest breakup I've had because just like your situation I was really all she had. She did not take it well. It was very, very hard. But I do not regret it.

If you see any hope in her opening up and branching out a bit, maybe hang in there. If you come to the conclusion that change is not likely or possible like I did, I would recommend ending it unless you are able to accept her for who she is and not regret not trying a relationship with someone else. I know it's hard but the longer you drag it out the harder it'll be in the end.

[NeoSeminole]

vashti says:

"eek! I actually agree with neo, and that scares me."

why does it scare you to agree with a voice of reason?

[vashti]

vashti says:

"eek! I actually agree with neo, and that scares me."

why does it scare you to agree with a voice of reason?

Because your "voice of reason" is frequently so misogynistic, it is hard to hear your message.

[NeoSeminole]

vashti, call me what you will but my views are based on observation.

[Lifeisquick]

I had a girlfriend that pretty closely fits the description you gave. She was able to start conversations with me sometimes but was always pretty shy and in a social setting was not really able to connect with anyone. Also a scientist (metallurgist). I was with her for a year and a half as well (strange) and finally broke it off. It was the hardest breakup I've had because just like your situation I was really all she had. She did not take it well. It was very, very hard. But I do not regret it.

If you see any hope in her opening up and branching out a bit, maybe hang in there. If you come to the conclusion that change is not likely or possible like I did, I would recommend ending it unless you are able to accept her for who she is and not regret not trying a relationship with someone else. I know it's hard but the longer you drag it out the harder it'll be in the end.

I will give it one more try. I convinced her to try group therapy and 1 on 1 therapy. Her parents were never very supportive before but at least theyll pay for therapy.