I do not Understand her at all anymore

[lax600]

Lately she has been very grouchy or for a better term emotionally unstable. I've come to the idea that she's hiding things from me but will not tell me. For one thing now when she gets angry at me it's for no reason. I did not do anything to cause her to feel angry towards me, yet she blows off at me. Also she says that no one believes her or trusts her. I tell her I love her, I trust her, and I believe in her. She says I lie and says she does all of them but I do not. Then every time when it comes around this point. She throws out my ex-girlfriend. I did not know this until she told me but she liked me when I went out with 'Kate'. Kate was a type of girl who guys would lust over and want. But I now love my current girlfriend Jan. As I was saying, every time the conversation turns to the point of whether or not I trust her, believe her, and love her. She throws out my ex-girlfriend and says I love kate, I trust kate, and I believe kate. Yet! I have not had any communication with kate ever since we broke up about a year ago! She often mentions to me how other guys are hot and such. I don't understand how she can get angry then somehow direct it towards me. She'll literally shun me then I ask her did I upset you she'll say no. Yet she directs her anger at me, then doesn't believe anything of those 3 things. I have done nothing to give her doubts about me. I have never cheated, I have never mentioned another girl to her except for my family members or a good friend of ours. Nor have I ever flirted with another female. Please someone help me, I don't know what to do. I feel as if everything is against me, no matter what I say or do. She'll always find a way to target me back in her anger. Then the next day she'll cry and tell me she's sorry. It's been the same repetitive pattern, I do love her. I'm afraid to leave her because of the way I feel about her, and I'm afraid of what she might do. She was a past suicidal person....as was I...therefore I can somewhat relate but, I do not understand anything that's going on now...maybe this whole thing I've written doesn't even make sense....PLEASE someone help me...

[vashti]

I think you need to establish better limits for her behavior. She sounds like she is bullying and manipulating you, and rather than worry about her, I think the appropriate reaction would be anger. Are you the type of guy who is easily pushed around? How much do you intend to take before you've had enough of her nonsense?

[lax600]

No I'm not the type of guy who's easy to push around. If you push me around I'll push you back. Although... when it comes to her I can't seem to get angry at her...I've only ever gotten angry at her once....and that was when she was being very unfair. If I get angry at her, she'll simply ignore me. Wouldn't I just prove her right if I got angry at her?

[vashti]

I don't think so, but I will admit I have very little patience for this sort of behavior. Not being trusted when I have done nothing wrong would be insulting to me.

Maybe you should suggest she seek counseling to deal with her unreasonable insecurity and moodiness before she ruins this relationship. That would benefit her whether or not the two of you last as a couple.

[lax600]

well...in her childhood she was abused...it's only been lately this has been occuring... before 3 weeks ago none of this happened. I don't understand where this is coming from. It seems as if she knows she's hurting me, yet she doesn't know how to control it...though if I suggest her to seek counseling....I'm not sure about her reaction ...

[Cbrider]

Theres a difference between being easily pushed around and being "easily pushed around."

If you punch me you can bet I'm going to throw it right back into your nose, thats not letting yourself be pushed around.

In a relationship its polar opposite, you can be the toughest, meanest guy around and get pushed around in a relationship. You have to stand up for yourself, I have made the mistake of not doing that and the relationship quickly becomes a disaster. When i say stand up for yourself I don't mean you tell the other person what to do and how to do it, just be firm in your conduct and position. If shes being a bitch about something or unfair, you have to call her on it. I wouldn't suggest using my exact wording there if you value your facial features in their current locations, but you need to keep it fair.

If the other person just gets mad and never says sorry or lets go of it, there is something wrong. Yes, you will be wrong sometimes and you will recognize it in time, but theres some things that you are obviously right about.

Also, personal insecurities on her part will complicate things. I am not an expert at dealing this, my ex use to always say she was fat and I would always tell her "as long as I can pick you up with one arm, you can quit claiming your fat." When that behavior never changes, it becomes more and more difficult to keep being positive.

[vashti]

Lots of people were abused in their childhood and don't use it as an excuse to abuse others. please don't allow yourself to be mistreated because of her past. If you do, things will only escalate.

You say this is new behavior. Perhaps she has done something she feels guilty about, and is taking it out on you. You should sit her down and have a discussion about this, and tell her that her bad behavior must stop now. (But only say it if you are prepared to walk.) If you don't, I expect these behaviors will escalate.

[Gigabitch]

I think she's starting to feel vulnerable with you and it's freaking her out. In one sense, that's a good thing, but it's causing her to act like a total pain in the ass, so it's a problem.

I'm sure you know very well that all this crap about Kate is just a Jan problem, not a lax600 problem. To put her mind at ease, I suggest you find some way of telling Jan that Kate just wasn't the one for you.

I had some insecurity about an ex of my husband's a couple of years ago- she's just simply drop-dead gorgeous, very talented and successful, sweet, and she was crazy about him, so I was feeling pretty threatened, but he dispelled it all by telling me that she just didn't smell right to him. A lot of attraction is chemical, and for whatever reason, she just didn't elicit a mating response in him.

Somehow, that just made it all better.

I wasn't acting like a total asshole about it, though, the way Jan is. That's another issue. She has to understand that she's chipping away at the relationship by being so rotten to you. Try to explain to her that if she trusted YOU, she would turn to you for comfort when she's feeling sketchy, not turn on you like a rabid dog.

[lax600]

Thank you all, although this is not going to be an easy task ... well thanks again I'll let you all know how things turn out.