Should I Get Counselling?

[bluesummer]

I'm worried about myself.

I have a wonderful relationship with my fiance....I'm very happy. Very lucky to have someone like him, truly. I know his worth, and I never take it for granted. I know he loves me and would never hurt me.

However, I feel like occasionally I'm getting haunted by ghosts from my past. Those ghosts being the residing anxiety from years of dealing with a cheating, emotionally abusive ex. For unexplained reasons, I will experience random attacks where I feel like MAYBE my fiance is checking out other women, wishing he was with them instead of me. I panic thinking that him emailing his exes means he's still in love with them. I sometimes worry about him being in close confines with female coworkers. The worst part is, I KNOW IT"S ALL IN MY HEAD.

These were situations I found myself having to be concerned about 24/7 with my ex-husband. He could not be trusted around any female in any circumstance....I'm not overexaggerating either. While I'm getting better at trusting, I still get hit with it, occasionally, randomly. I don't snoop through his stuff or check up on him or anything, nor do I WANT to. I can't seem to shake these insecurities entirely though.

I keep thinking maybe I should pay for some type of counselling to rid myself of this horrible anxiety. It's not my fiance's fault, and I feel so horrible that my ex 'damaged' me like this. I don't want him to know I feel like this, I'm afraid he will think I'm 'jealous'.

[Charlie Boy II]

yes it sounds to me like some counselling might be helpful.

[Lipp]

How many psychiatrists do you need to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the bulb has to want to change.

You've got a clear view of what the problem is, so yeah, seeing a therapist should get you through a process of getting rid of it. In situations like these I'd favor therapists over forum advice.

[doppelgaenger]

Counseling, definitely. The problem is in you, you haven't been able to straighten your insecurities out on your own, and a counselor might be able to help you with that. Of course your relationship with your ex recently ended, and it's just going to take more time for you to do that. Don't worry, everything will be fine.

[bluesummer]

I've tried SO hard to 'fix' myself, and I've made a lot of personal progress. A LOT. I just can't seem to conquer the last bit of it. That's why I'm thinking it might help to get outside support. Obviously I can't do this through sheer will alone.

Should I keep it secret from my fiance? I don't want to lie to him. Maybe I should just tell him I'm having some anxiety problems and need to talk to someone about it. It's the truth, just not detailed.

[Charlie Boy II]

yes again, that sounds good. Tell him you're getting counselling but I don't think there's any need to be too specific.

[doppelgaenger]

I was also going to include (which does answer your question)

That you should trying 1 on 1 counseling first. If you feel like you're not getting anywhere, then think about telling your ex and asking him to along. He'd be accepting of your insecurities, but you both may feel very uncomfortable if you don't gradually introduce him to the issue over a period of time.

[Cbrider]

I would talk to a counselor first, but if I were your fiance I would feel closer and more connected with you if I had the whole story. He's asked for your hand in marriage to pledge his existence to you, you are NOT alone in this. I would bet my paycheck that he would want to know this and be unconditionally supportive of you.

I've dealt with very deep depression myself, I know what it feels like to not be able to shake off thoughts or insecurities. Talk to someone, it will do wonders for you.

[Lipp]

To be honest you have a very valid reason, at least I know that if I ever had a girlfriend who'd talk about something like this I wouldn't have the slightest problem with doing so. But ask your therapist first about whether you should tell him or not, maybe it turns out that if he knows that you're insecure about him he'd end up going to extraordinary lengths to transparency, which might ruin the process.

[Cbrider]

To be honest you have a very valid reason, at least I know that if I ever had a girlfriend who'd talk about something like this I wouldn't have the slightest problem with doing so. But ask your therapist first about whether you should tell him or not, maybe it turns out that if he knows that you're insecure about him he'd end up going to extraordinary lengths to transparency, which might ruin the process.

Yah, in case I was a little misleading in my prior post, ask your therapist first like Lipp said here.

[misombra]

he emails his ex's?

[vashti]

If he's a good guy who is loyal, my guess is that TIME will help you calm down, with or without a therapist.

[IndiReloaded]

he emails his ex's?

I was wondering about this too^.

Blue, I think counselling might help you to realize you are perfectly fine (b/c I think you are). But I think it might help you even more to regain confidence about your ability to decide when your judgement about your partner's behaviour is reasonable or not.

You put up with a level of shit w/your ex that would make any sane person wonder about 'what is normal'? I think you should go find out where a healthy boundary is. I don't think you need to worry you are going to be a neurotic bitch. If anything, your experience will tend to making you over-accomodating. A nice lady, in other words. Lucky for your husband and he shouldn't take advantage of it.

[misombra]

bsummer i think you're one of those girls who's dealt with assholes for a while and you don't believe you deserve any better. i agree w/ vashhhh that it will go away eventually. but you have to understand that you do deserve better.

wouldn't anyone be insecure if their mans were emailing with their ex girlfriends? i would!

also i think you should tell him these things. you're allowed to talk about your feelings with him and you DESERVE a boyfriend that with whom you can talk about your feelings and thoughts.

[bluesummer]

We have talked about this before, and I know he knows that my issues come from my ex (whom he royally despises). He swore to me that he'd never, ever hurt me. I know he wouldn't, and I know this should be enough. This isn't so much about him as it is about my experience of most men being deceitful. Meaning a deep rooted psychological issue. My Dad even cheated on my mom when I was a kid, so I've never had a good picture of what a healthy, loving relationship is truly like.

As for him emailing his exes, I know he's friends with a couple of his old ones, and I don't care. I email my old ex too. There's no attachment there beyond friendship. We both agreed though that our most recent exes were to be out of the picture completely. His most recent was a girl he'd been on and off with for years, and whom he proposed to almost four years ago. She was still calling him until I moved in, then she started calling his CELL. That was a problem for me. We had a very big discussion about it. She doesn't call anymore. He even deleted her off facebook.